Asked by noangel293 on
Late nights...
I know some of you guys know a little about me from my answers I've posted... but I'm having a little relationship problem of my own. My boyfriend likes to go out and drink--which was all fine and dandy when I wasn't pregnant and was going out and drinking with him. Well, for the past couple of weeks, he picks one night and stays out either all night or until near bar closing time. I'm 13 weeks pregnant with this man's child and he leaves me at home... alone... waiting for him. Well, last night when he did it (the fourth time in the past three weeks), he left while I was asleep... and he left his cell phone home... well, I decided to look at his text messages to try to figure out where he went. I saw this message from this girl who he used to sleep with who hasn't left him alone since I started dating him. I've seen him text her and tell her to leave him alone and everything... so her message says "It was nice seeing you today". Honestly, my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I know she goes to one of the bars he goes to... so I know that's where she saw him. And he wrote her back " I was only there to get money someone owes me" (which is true, someone at that bar does owe him money). So I'm not thinking he's cheating on me to be honest... I trust him to not do that to me... but why wouldn't he tell me he saw her? I get that I'm pregnant and maybe he didn't want to hurt my feelings... but now I have to play the "bad guy" who went through his personal belongings. I just want to find a more effective way to communicate with him... so he will want to tell me things like this... I mean, honestly I didn't care when he'd ommit things before I got pregnant... because we were care free and whatnot... but I'm just exhausted from being pregnant and need complete honesty from him. So if anyone can come up with a constructive way for me to tell him that I know he's omitting information without saying like a complete jerk, please let me know :-)
Also, I'm thinking of giving him a "taste of his own medicine" tonight... because when he goes out, he doesn't tell me where he's going or if he'll be back or anything... he just leaves... so I'm thinking of after work today, just going to my mom's house for a few hours and not answering my phone (because when he's out, he doesn't answer his either--even when he does have it). Do you think this would be a bad idea? I don't want to break us up... I just want him to realize that I worry about him when he doesn't keep me informed on what's going on. And that I don't want our child to think that it's okay for a man to do that to a woman. If I take it from him now, it'll be harder to move past it after I've given birth.
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Just wanted to ask you to ignore dude in the cowboy hat - he doesn't seem to know what the full story is & doesn't care to find out before writing a response! Just my take on that answer...
Hope your having a good one!
~W.
First, I'm sorry to say, you are a jerk for going through his text messages. You've gotta have some privacy in a relationship and you disrespected him by reading his texts. And, you didn't even find out that he's cheating on you! Let it go. Pregnant or not, he doesn't need to tell you every ex he runs into in order to keep your relationship healthy.
As for "teaching him a lesson," you may as well go ahead and break up now. You say you want to stay together, but couples who try to school each other or "give them a taste of their own medicine" are vindictive, not productive. Conversation, conversation, conversation- you have to talk with each other honestly about how you feel, and work together to foster an environment in which you can both be comfortable.
Which probably isn't an environment where you sneakly read one another's text messages. :)
Thank you all for your great answers. We talked it out on Friday and I think I got my point across to him--I don't mind that he goes out, I just need to know he's alive! But it's been three weeks of me saying the same thing to him and it still hasn't changed... but I have faith in him that eventually, my point will get across. thanks again everyone!
I would confront him about it......let him know exactly how you feel , at this point he should know that he has a HUGE responsibility with you therefore he should learn how to live with it. its not about him anymore, soon you guys will be 3..... scare him a little bit and tell him that if he doesnt change his ways , you are more than ready to be a single mom.
I agree with Q here! (As ususal...)
But Tbone brings up a good point that I wanted to note...
How can you stand not knowing where he is "All Night" ??
If my husband were to stay out all night I'd be going batty!
We don't even have children and I'd just be worried sick!
You need to get these kind of things straightened out before your little one arrives so you guys aren't fighting over them when he or she is there to here those arguements on any kind of daily/regular basis.
Just not good for kids, as we all know...
Probably all things you know but couldn't help saying something - I'd just be worried sick if my Babe didn't show up one night, especially if it became regular.
Talk it out, Sounds like you are anyway, Good things can only come from that!
Qverb, thanks so much for your in-depth answer. I'm sure I'll find a way to work things out with him... I just don't want to jeapordize our relationship in the process... which I'm sure it won't... I mean, he is a wonderful man and very understanding when it comes to things that upset me--he doesn't WANT to hurt me... it just happens... but I think I'm going to sit down and talk to him about things... hopefully it will work out. Thanks so much for your advice!
Hey NoAngel,
Sorry to hear about the problems, but at least they aren't incredibly bad.
I can understand why your guy would be wanting to omit things like this to you. I personally don't like to omit anything...I have nothing to hide, but my GF, much as she values my honesty, would actually be happier not knowing some of the answers I've given to her many questions. She trusts me completely, and I've warned her to be sure if she really wants to know what she is asking because she will hear the truth of it, but I've also learned that its just easier for her if there are some things that she doesn't hear that really don't have anything to do with her or our relationship. Its not an intent to hide information from her, but to not bother her with things that really aren't important.
In your case I would still say that you should come clean with your man. Be honest with him in explaining its not a matter of not trusting him, which you do, or suspecting him of anything, because you don't. You should know where he is going and have some way to reach him...its his baby too! You aren't telling him he can't go out, and it doesn't really sound like he is bad about it at just once a week or so, but it wouldn't kill him to just let you know where he went in case something does come up.
And if he brings up that you invaded his privacy, which you did and should own up to, he should also understand that a) your pregnant and need to know that the father of your babe is safe and sound, and b) your left at home with no word, no notice, and hormones playing funny tricks on you.
Now, as far as the omitions go, it may have been fair game at first, but relationships evolve and change...they have to or else they wouldn't last. With those changes also come a change in what partners need, and you have every right to make that known. This isn't just about the free-wheelin' life that you both enjoyed before the baby, this is now about raising a new life born of you both. This means that there will be big changes in the relationship, including before mini-NoAngel is born.
I'm glad that you've decided against playing games with him, because that is what it would have amounted to and it almost never really helps out the relationship.
But I definitely understand wanting to!!!
You all may know me on here as a fairly even keeled, reasonable kinda guy, but that doesn't mean I don't have my "dark side" that would absolutely love to give some petty payback, and I can come up with some truly spiteful stuff that would wreak havoc...its hard being good sometimes! : )
He sounds like a good guy who just needs some help in getting re-oriented in what this relationship has become. Just sit down with him and calmly let him know what happened, how you felt, that you do trust him and have no doubt or reason to not trust him, and that your real concern and reason for doing this is what you've been telling him all along already. Your pregnant and need as little stress as possible for your health and for baby's health. Its not about curtailing his going out, just being able to be contacted or found if, heaven forbid, something should come up that he is needed for.
At a guess, he may be having a hard time dealing with the fact that he is going to be a daddy, hence the going out and not letting you know acting as some passive-aggresive means of asserting, at least to himself, that he is still his own man and in control of his life. If he is going through any of this then urge him to find someone that he respects and can talk to about what he is going through...his father, an older brother, an uncle, a priest, counselor, good friend with kids...someone that will understand where he is coming from.
My father didn't understand how to relate to myself and my younger brother. Hell, my dad was still a kid himself when we were born. He was only 23. I may catch some heat for saying that is still basically a kid, but its definitely a lot to put on someone. He was a good dad, but its only after my brother and I became young men that he really began to understand how much he missed out on by going out and doing his own thing that didn't involve us...basically just acting his age.
Get your guy a "father" mentor...it'll help, and reassure him of your love for him throughout all this and that you need some more support from him. You aren't asking for blood or anything like that, and its really not going to put him out if he leaves the name of the bar and responds to your calls.
Good luck.
The best way to get it across to him is to get him to ubderstand that it's no longer about just him. He has an unborn child who is going to depend on him and rely on him. He needs to understand about setting the example of accountability, and that this is the time to start. Try that one on him, because it makes perfect sense.
thank you for your advice tbone... I won't give him a "taste of his own medicine"... I really want to though! lol it's really not that our relationship has changed much... it's just I didn't investigate to find out if he was omitting things previously... I'm sure he's been doing it all along but I trusted him not to. And now that I know he has, it's frustrating to me. We've had the talk the past few times that he's spent almost the entire night away... and I've told him I just need to know what's going on... I don't care if he stays out all night as long as I know he's safe and not doing anything wrong. That's all I really care about. And he seems to understand it each time we have the argument but then a week later, it happens again. I don't consider myself to be a controlling/manipulative person... I just want to know he's not "dead in a ditch" perse (he walks everywhere). I just don't know how to get across to him...
It's kind of late in the game to change the rules. The first mistake that you made was not setting acceptable boundaries at the start of the commitment. If you want to know where he is now, then you should have established that back then. If you didn't care about him omitting things before you were pregnant, then you can't get hung up on it now.
The same goes for staying out and not telling where he is. Honestly, I don't know how you even have a relationship. Where's the care and concern? It's not a matter of "checking in," as some would call it. It's a matter of respecting the other person's feelings, and not causing them to worry needlessly. People in love with each other should want the other person to know where they are, and that they're alright.
Don't "give him a taste of his own medicine." Sit down with him, let him know what's bothering you, and give him a chance to address it. Two wrongs don't make a right.