Asked by Tropicalnut on
Are older men worth it? (Our age gap is 13.5 years)
Here's a pickle....I've been in a sexless marriage for a few years. We are both in our early 30's and have grown up together....dated for about 7 years, married for less than 5. My husband never showed me a lot of love and we were always on different sleeping patterns, go figure, so I always heard all of the excuses for not having sex...he's too tired, it's too late, blah, blah, blah.... I knew when I married him that we didn't really have any chemistry, but thought that security and stability was worth more. I am a VERY passionate person and I have had chemistry and mind blowing sex with other guys I dated before him. Unfortunately, I have learned the hard way that I need sex and I need the chemistry!! After a trial separation of a few months, we hurried back together....and six months later I asked for a divorce.
3 months later we signed the papers and now I'm dating someone 13 years older and it is the BEST! He is a MAN and treats me with respect and shows so much love, I feel as though I am spoiled, but I'm also a giver, so it goes both ways.
The ONLY problem that I've encountered is other people.....other people at times stare at us and I can't lie, it does bother me sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes and I can't kick that feeling. He is in his mid 40's, I am in my early 30's. He's not a "looker" per say, and I look like a model in my mid 20's. So what can I do or not do to get over that stupid akward feeling when people stare? I love him deeply, no one else has ever "gotten" me the way he does and the connection is unbelievable, not to mention the love making.... !!! :) I'm confused at times because I would love to be with someone my age, but they are too immature, not to mention that I already have a child and really don't want to go down that path again....I want to enjoy life, now that my child is getting older.
So confused....
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Confusion isn't a feeling but simply the inability to think clearly in a given situation. The reason behind confusion, when it truly is present, varies but usually we have one or more feelings present which are taking center stage and making clear thinking a bit of a challenge. But it is possible to think and feel at the same time. Based on what you wrote, you don't sound confused to me at all and I hear that you have a mix of feelings about your situation.
I applaud you open mindedness. I am in my 50's and wish I could find a younger woman like you who appreciates what I can bring to a relationship. I hear what you mean about what other people say or how they act. I can relate to that but what's most important is that You are okay with you and your guy. As for what other people think, try on a motto I strive to live by, "What other people think is none of my business". I wish you and your guy well and many happy years together.
I have been married ten years to a man 14 years older than myself. I married him at age 35. I had three children under the age of 4 when we married and we've been busy raising them. The age difference has not been an issue at all until recently. Now that my children are older I have more freedom to 'go and do' and he is content staying at home. I know I do not want to spend the rest of my days in West Texas and want to fly out of here as soon as my kids are in college. We're looking at 4 more years. He'll be 64.
I don't think age makes a difference . . .until later in life. There is quite a difference now between him at 60 and me at 46.
My son's father and I are 18 years apart. When I met him, I let him know up front that I was not looking for a relationship. I was content. I met him in January and by October of that year, I was pregnant. He grew on me, and eventually, I got into a relationship with him. It wasn't long before that started to go bad. In the beginning he did evrything. Once I held my ground on not being in a relationship, and that a relationship was not for me...things started to go sour. I became upset, because I was not expecting any more children. This is where it started to go downhill. His demanor changed, his attitude, and the things he did for me, when we were just getting to know each other. I remember him telling me "I did those things to show you what you'd be missing out on". But once things don't go his way, all of that stops. He gets really petty. And in a discussion a couple of months ago, I expressed that to him and that him being older, he does not know everything, and that we are suppose to be tryin to learn from each other. I learn from my mistake of moving in with him, because he has showed me that he will not be there for me, if I were down and out. But in the past he claims he took care of, and even helped his former girlfriends. I am strong and independant still. Just because I am out of a job for a minute, doesn't mean I won't get back up. I look back on what was in the beginning, and how nice he was. But that is all I have. Though I live with him now, its like being alone. I don't wish to be in a relationship, so I pay the price, with no attention from him. And honestly, that's how I prefer it. I am not interested in a relationship or marriage with anyone, including him. After all I have been through, I am exhausted, and ready to become indepedant, single, and live my life the way it should be lived. Without the heart ache and drama. It doesn't change my view of older men, because they actually do treat you well, charish you, and sometimes even treat you like a queen. Its just that there are different views between you two. Some of them are set in their ways, and depending on their age, have been there and done that, and don't want to do anything else. I met my son's father when I was 25, going on 26, and he was 43 going on 44. I am now 29, and him 46. Even though sometimes he can be very petty and stubborn., he will still do the best he can to take care of us.
I think the question isn't are older men worth it so much as is this guy worth it?
There are challenges with a large age gap. That doesn't mean you should give up on him. You have to decide if the challenges are worth it. Also, it's a good idea to discuss the challenges up front.
1) Health - You will probably end up taking care of him at some point. This could happen to anyone, but it will probably happen to you. Can you take it? You will probably also be a widow at a younger age. (You can also work with him to keep him healthy, of course.)
2) Sex - You say an active sex life is very important to you. Despite being older than you, he is a passionate lover now. The mid-40's is not particularly old. There is a chance, however, that he could have sexual problems or just slow down while you are still relatively young and active. Will you be able to stay with him then? It was a problem for you before, so I think you should consider this question seriously.
3) Life cycle differences - You already have a child and don't want more, so this is probably not an issue for you. You might want to talk to him about what you will do when he retires, if you two become serious. (Again, this is something to think about and discuss, not necessarily a reason to give up.)
4) Equality issues - I think is more of an issue if one person is really young or if there is more of an age gap than you have. However, it is something to think about - do you feel like his equal? Do you see him as he is with his flaws despite his advantage in experienced? Can you stand up to him in an argument? Does he respect your experiences and judgment? Will it matter in your relationship that he has more money or is further along in his career?
5) Social issues - I don't think these should keep people apart. But marrying across a large age difference can mean you have cultural differences, just as if you married someone from another country. And you may have to deal with people looking at you, although a ten year difference isn't that huge. So the question is, are you willing to do the work and put up with the looks?
To be honest, I would stare at you as a couple because A) you're hot and B) wondering how an average guy got such a beautiful girl, not because of any age difference. The older you get, the less that number matters. Stick with what makes you happy and don't worry 'bout what anyone else thinks.
Definitely worth it. My husband is 25 years older than I am and I can't imagine being with anyone else.
You may want to read my essay - http://www.yourtango.com/200925168/marrying-much-older-man-made-me-bette...
Well who is to say they are not staring at you as you with your model figure? enjoy yourself girl coz if you become uncomfortable and spoil it the people who stare wont be there for you its your life girl not theirs so i guess what you should have is a f**** off he is mine attitude
It IS worth it!!! My bf and I are 8 years apart, (I am younger than you) I'm 16, he's 24.. But I've seen MANY big age gap relationships work out.. My sis is gunna be 22 yrs old, and she's with someone who is 31, and have 3 kids together and maybe a 4th one soon... Older men are waaay more mature (unfortunately I had to mature faster than I should have lol) and well as long as you two love each other... And treat each other with respect, I don't see a problem here... What I say is... Age is a number, not a boundary towards love!!!
OMG! Thank you ALL for your input....you are so right and I DO have a good thing....he's sexy and smart and attractive and we have so much in common...especially in between the sheets! ;)
Again, many thanks for reaching out and putting in your $0.02 cents! :)
First get over that feeling. You seemed to have a good man who satifies you and you satisfy him. As of now it seems healthy and fun relationship. ENJOY IT! Stop worrying about what others think.
I personally find older men to be caring and mature than men my age and I am in my early thirties like you.
So there is NOTHING wrong with it just ENJOY IT! :)
I have an older man. I have always preferred older men, ALWAYS! Because #1 they are certainly much better lovers. #2 They are usually established and have a lot more to offer you. They are able to wine and dine and pamper you. #3 Since you claim to not want any more children an older gentleman is more likely on the same page as you there. Older men have so much to offer. I find that their experience and knowledge is a turn on. I love a man I can learn something from and actually have an interesting and intelligent conversation with.
You should never be embarrassed to be seen with your man. And if you are that sure isnt fair to him cause I'm sure he dosent feel that way with you. Trust me me and my man get stared at and second glances all the time. I find it simply amusing. I'm 32 and he is 50.
You said it yourself, you needed chemistry with someone the whole time you were with your ex the chemistry was not there. Now, you have that with this man. You have that chemistry that you desired so badly, and a couple odd glances from who cares is really bothering you? Be proud to be seen with him. And if other people walk past wondering if he is your sugar daddy, you stand up straight, hold his hand, stick your boobs out there and keep walking and smiling. You got a great thing. go with it!
Don't worry what other people think! Just as long as you are happy! My Husband of 3yrs is 15 yrs. older than me! Age is just a number! We both have the same intrest and get along great!
Im early 20's and YES, they are worth it, even @ my age. Trust, I had to learn to buck up a lilttle, cuz they are more forward/honest than younger guys. The outcome of my experiences was me noticing the DISTINCT difference between how an older man approcahes sexual relationhips, than a younger man.
Without giving too much away, its always best to literally sit down and TALK about your expericences, or what you'd LIKE to experience. Im attracted to older men simply becuz there aren't as many "wild guesses" to make, as far as how and if he's REALLY diggin me, and where its going. Also, the challenge, and reward for me, comes in the form of a 'sleepy sheet race'....lets see who's fallin asleep this time....
FIERCE_09
Yes, older man are worth it. If you love him as much as you claim, I think your only choice is to try to ignore other people. I understand that you feel unconfortable with the staring, but a man that wonderful deserves a shot. You could also try to talk to him about that, and see what he feels about it. Maybe you can even figure something out as a couple :)
okay hunnie just take a deep breath here... you're happy, what's the problem? I get that you are worried about what other people think and how uncomfortable it makes you when they stare... but you need to just tell yourself "so what!?" My boyfriend is 31 years older than me... trust me, we get a lot more stares than you do. And ontop of that we're different races. So, just be happy. Enjoy your happiness because it's rare in life. That's all I've been doing. Enjoying the happiness.