Asked by cupidsfool on
How do I handle being with someone who has 2 kids? (Please Help)
I enjoy every minute when I am with my guy, but when he has his kids sometimes I feel like I have to put a lot of effort into the relationship. I am 24 and he is 29, and he has an 8 year old son and a 4 year old daughter. His kids are great, but sometimes they can be real brats. I know that sounds awful to call them brats, but they can be.
I find myself staying quite when they do things that bother me. For example his daughter goes through my purse and plays with my phone. In the beginning it didn't bother me, but now I am annoyed by it. I know this is something small, but this is just how I feel.
Lately I've been feeling like I will never be his number one priority in his life because his kids are his number one. I respect that. He is a great dad and that is one of the best qualities I love about him.
I feel like there is something wrong in our relationship and I feel like it is me. Maybe I am not mature enough to be with someone who had kids, and if this is the case then how do I let him know that?
I feel very confused at the moment. If I were to make a list of all the good things and bad things the good list would be longer. Am I being too jealous because I want him all to myself? Should I force myself to grow up a little faster? It's all about sacrifice right, but what do I sacrifice? I don't know if I am ready to be step mom.
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I think this is something you have to decide based on how well you know yourself. At 24, I was way too young and greedy to deal with a situation like this. Oh, who am I kidding, I still am! I want to be number one in my man's life and that's why I don't date men with kids. I tried it and only realized that my intuition was right; I was too greedy to deal with this type of situation. I was 24 when I met a guy who was 26 with two kids. At first, I thought I was OK with everything and his kids were great, and he was amazing and adored me. But, when I finally ended the relationship, I wish I could have heard the advice all my friends and family gave me, "you are too young and spoiled to deal with all of the things that come with having step children." And it was true. It's one thing to tell yourself that the kids come first, and it's a whole other to continuously take second place. It's your one-year anniversary and his daughters first dance recital...dance recital it is. It's the night of your birthday and his son's high school play...reschedule your celebration for the next day. You're on your monthly "sexy date" and his daughter calls him because she's really upset and wants to come over...date over.
Dating a man with kids involves being OK with being second because they are first (and they should be). If you can truly do that with no complaints, do it. If not, run for the hills!!! Take it from me, if you're young, single and have no baggage, it's OK to be selfish and selective. But you need to find someone who has the #1 spot vacant. Men with kids: NO VACANCY.
There seems to be a couple steps in this relationship that you've overlooked. First, before you met his children, you should have tried to gain as much insight into their lives and attitudes. Second, (I'm going to assume you either live together or spend a lot of time together) you shoud have sat down with him and gone over what he expects of the children and what you expect from them. Although you are not their mom, you deserve respect. Third, when she reached for your purse the first time, you should have made it known to her in now uncertain terms that she is not to go through your personal belongings without your explicit permission.
There's a reason people say it takes a village to raise a child. People in villages tend to present a united front. That means that when one person says it's not ok for a child to do something (say, go purse fishing) everyone in the villiage agrees and all the children suffer the same consequences from all of the adults.
How do I know this? I am the single mother of a six-year-old. My sister has spent the last 6 years helping me raise my child, and so have my parents and friends. When my daughter is at home she has a set of rules. When she is over at my parents' house, she follows the same rules and they enforce them just as I do. It is the same at all my friends' houses, and when she goes to Nashville to visit her dad and my dad and the rest of my family, she has the same rules and the same punishments. And sometimes someone thinks something should change, and we all talk it over and we all change it together. Children need to know that sometimes life has expected consequences. If she takes something from your purse, she will be sent to her room. If she takes something from mommy's purse, she will be sent to her room. Therefore, she can expect later in life, that if she takes something without permission, she will be punished. When children don't recieve continuity, they feel they must test every situation every single time because they don't think the outcome will be the same.
As for not being mature enough, I'd talk to their dad about HIS maturity level. No man in h is right mind is going to let his children drive his girl up the wall. As a parent he knows when his children are behaving inappropriatly, and if he does nothing about it after you talk to him, you probably should just tell him that it isn't going to work out. And don't blame it on the kids, they only do what their parents let them think is ok (usually out of guilt or indifference).
Your situation is exactly why I DON'T get involved with men that have children! I think that it's a landmine where more than 1 person can get hurt. All people should be considered and respected.
I strongly disagree with those who say some behavior from children is to be expected! At age 4 your partner's daughter should be in the process of learning to respect the property of others; if not now, she will NEVER learn it, and that's not good. Curiosity and exploration is normal, that is how children learn of the world around them, but going into your purse, playing with your phone is going too far!
If this relationship means that much to you, talk to your partner, and make sure you have a solid understanding of where your place is! It sounds as if you already know that you can't be first, which is smart of you. These are his kids, flesh, blood and bone! You can't compete with that. Since you state that he's a good father, then realize that you will never be first, if this is comfortable for you, then find a way to manage.
I wish you luck, partners with children is something I can't do.
I don't think the kids sound like brats, just kids. A 4 year old looking through other people's things sounds very normal. The thing is kids do things they shouldn't. You shouldn't see them as jerks for doing kid things, but you shouldn't put up with it either.
If any child opened my purse, I would tell them I didn't want them to look in it and gently take it away from them. I would like it better if their parent said something, but I don't think you have to sit there and take it if the parent doesn't notice.
It sounds like it must be hard loving someone who doesn't have you as his first priority. I don't think it's just about growing up. If you have kids with someone, then you're glad that your kids are his first priority. If they're not your kids and you don't have a say in how they're brought up, it's natural to struggle with it.
You have to decide if you're willing to work it out with him because you love him or if you want to look for a guy who will be all yours. If you don't want to make the sacrifices, maybe it's better if you figure it out sooner rather than later.
By the way, do you want to have kids of your own? Will you be okay with working out step-family issues with kids from two different families?
I don't want to discourage you if this is the right thing for you. Just know what the difficulties are and go into it with your eyes open.
Snglmom3 has excellent advice. You are an adult and you are definitely allowed to enforce your own personal boundaries (such as the little ones staying out of your purse). I'm glad that the kids are a top priority in his life, and you may need to decide for yourself if you can really accept that or not. But as Snglmom is saying, why aren't you discussing all of this with him? Let him know how you feel. He can't do anything to help the relationship if he doesn't know whats wrong, and he can't read your mind either.
As for growing a little faster, I don't really think that is being asked of you (except by yourself). This should also be a topic of discussion. Here is the bigger question though...I'm guessing that this relationship is a couple months old. You know him, you know his kids, they know you, and you are already thinking about life way down the line. Talk with your BF about this as well. It may be early to start discussing the "step-mom" future, but you may be putting yourself through more worry then you need to. However, what you can decide on right now is if you even want to be something more to these kids that daddy's GF. If you know for sure that you don't want to be involved in this situation, especially if it gets to being more serious, then get out sooner than later. The longer you wait the more it'll hurt and the harder it gets.
But talk to the man and let him know what you are going through...maybe you'll find out you don't have so much to worry about.
I have 2 kids (4 and 3), and having a relationship with kids involved is insane, even more so when they're not yours (biologically speaking). I don't know if it's really "growing up" per say, but I think that the communication doesn't seem to be as open as it should be. With my BF and my kids, I tell him when in doubt, ask me. I don't expect him to be a father to them, but he is an adult and therefore deserves to be treated with respect by my kids. If he has any questions on what's ok for them to do and what's not, he asks me, and we work it out together. And with that being said, ask your man where he wants you to draw the line. And what's acceptable and what's not.. put it out there. It will never get solved if it's never talked about.