Asked by CHAOTICMAMA on
Should I continue to hook up with my ex knowing it could lead to nothing else?
My ex and I had a very unstable relationship. I cheated on him and then he cheated on me and thats when we broke up. 5 months had passed since we hung out and then on memorial day we decided to get lunch. We started kissing out of nowhere and after that we decided we would take it one day at a time with no pressure or promise to rush into a relationship. Now we are constantly having sex, hooking up, and act like we are in a relationship when we are with each other. He lives 45 mins away so we don't see each other constantly. Today we went to lunch and there is something different with him and I asked him if what we were doing was wrong. He said he was confused and didn't know what to think about it and he isn't ready for a relationship. He has always been the kind of guy where you have to guess what he is feeling but he won't tell you. Lunch ended kind of tensely because I told him maybe we should should break this off and maybe later on in the future become friends. He sad he wasn't sure but he cared about me but he wanted to be single because dating was the last thing on his mind right now. He doesn't have a job or any money and that has always bothered him. I told him unless he only wanted to date me I couldnt'nt just hook up with him because it will always be more then just a hook up. He said he needed some time to think and he would contact me. My family is not a fan of him and I'm not in love with him like I use to be. I honestly just dont know what to do. I need help.
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TO EVERYONE WHO HAS WRITTEN TO ME THANK U SO MUCH. ITS HELPED ALOT. I NEED THE SUPPORT AND THE STRENGTH.
As long as you keep having sex with him, you'll never really be free of him. If you want more, then you should wait for the man who can give you what you want. Your ex has told you that he's not ready for a relationship, so you need to pay attention to that.
You are already doing the right thing by letting him know that you can't just hook-up anymore, that it needs to be a relationship. It sounds like he has actually learned from the past and that he is dealing with a lot of esteem issues, what with no job, etc.
Love isn't just an "on/off" kinda thing. There are varying stages and varying types, just as there is really no single best way to have a relationship. That said, I fully understand what you mean about loving someone but not the same way you did before they hurt you.
My honest concern for you would be how you tend to go back to dating your exes. It tends to be a sign that there is some personal issue that you have and don't want to deal with or face. If you are fine with repeating this cycle then don't change it, you may break out of it one day...but otherwise I would suggest seeing a therapist to get some help with it. If you have any friends seeing a therapist or no of one then try to ask around for a good one (i.e., not one who charges insane amounts per visit and has a majority of clients that have been there for years). Otherwise, as painful as it may be right now, stick to your guns. He needs to make a choice, and even if he chooses to have a relationship I'd still walk very carefully around him as he may just bolt at any given time with no notice since he doesn't really sound like the type to really resolve his issues before moving on.
Good luck.
It sounds like it’s confusing to you both, but in different ways. His male ego has taken a hit due to lack of a job & money. You say you don’t love him like you used to. I didn’t think there was varying degrees/stages in love? A Leopard doesn’t change it’s spots, you said you both had an unstable relationship in the past. Regardless of who ended it, it ended for a reason. Hindsight is 20/20 if you think about it. I am wondering why this is an issue for you since you don’t love him like you once did?! Ex’s feel comfort in familiarity, it’s easy to get back into patterns like sex. Stressful situations & heightened emotions can make people do crazy things. The fact he’s told you dating is the farthest from his mind & not wanting something serious should be indicators. Is it possible you’re both confusing a hook-up for a relationship?! I wouldn’t think you would want to hold onto something that is not good for either of you. I would think you BOTH would like a chance at happiness & not being someone someone settles for. Move forward girl NOT backward! I hope you both can get back on track & focus on moving ahead! =)
Thanks I know its just so hard. He said he has feelings for me but he is not ready for a relationship and wants to be single but confused when we hook up cause he still cares about me. I know I need to move on... I guess I just don't know where to start. I have a really bad habit of going back to my exs and dating them again. I don't know why I do it... or what it does for me. I wish it would stop
You should not continue to hook up with him unless you are willing to get your feeling hurt later. Right now you are an easy for him and it works. However, I think he will cheat again as soon as he starts to feel secure. It it time to move on and find someone who cares about you.