Asked by notelady on
Money, money money!!!
I have been married near three years now. When I first met my husband (7 yrs ago) he had a good paying job in the six figures. I had just started a business and things were starting to take off for me financially as well.
He was in the financial industry and when the market took a nose dive so did my husbands income. At first I thought it would be temporary and he would be back on his feet in no time. It didn't happen and it still (after 3.5 yrs) has not happened.
He took two appointments to which he was HIRED. I was shocked. HIRED! This last employment term he was required to perform a function outdoors and it was raining and so he didn't want to get wet so he just didn't go and they HIRED him. OMG, a little rain has never kept me from working.
Here is my concern. He currently is supposed to be in partnership with me in the business I started. He appears to be pulling similar nonsense with me. He complains bitterly about small things and finds all types of odd situations that appear to make him miserable.
My financial future is currently not secure. I have not be able to contribute to my 401 annually the last 2 yrs. He is not willing to discuss things with me as he will continually cancel times I have set aside to speak with him regarding our finances. He is coming into a rather nice inheritance shortly and he informed me he intends to relinquish 1/3 of it to a family member.
I am beginning to feel financially used, if there is such a thing. Every penny I made went into joint expenses and believe me I work long hard hours to pay for these things. I have shared my situation with a close friend and was quickly told it appears my value to him is most definitely tied into WHAT I CAN DO FOR HIM.
It bothers me to no end that he freely is giving 33% of his inherited money as a gift to another when it could paid off our mortgage and make my life less hectic.
Am I being selfish in wanting an easier financial future with smaller current obligations (mortgage payments?)
Our current monthly obligations are over 6000.00.I lay awake at night worrying that I may not be able to sustain these expenses and continue as we are. I feel that we cannot give away money at this time . My husband tells me not to worry yet does very little to improve our current situation.
I feel like I am being worked to death day and night. I cannot see the forest for the trees. Any insight???
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Sounds like he's tired of really trying to do anything. He needs to step up to the plate. Make him accountable for what's going on!!!
You sit down with the bills and give him half of them. Tell him that he is responsible for paying them in whatever way he sees fit because he needs to pull his weight. Tell him that you are feeling used and unappreciated, and you don't see why he is giving away money to other people and putting his own wife in the position where she has sleepless nights.
However, the fact that you can't contribute to your 401K is hardly a sacrifice. You are lucky to have one at all, so I can't really feel sorry for you. Millions of Americans wish they had such a cushion.
So you aren't really suffering, just uncomfortable. But now that I think about it, maybe that is what your husband wants you to be for some reason. Hmmmm. Have you two gone to a counselor to talk about this issue? Cause money is the #1 thing couples fight and divorce over. :(
I think it makes sense that your husband may feel an obligation to a family member to give them part of an inheiritance. The money may come from someone who is related to both of them and your husband may think that the other family member should have gotten some but didn't for some reason. He might feel that with this money he has more of an obligation to relatives than to you. Personally, I think money that comes from your own family is the one thing a married couple shouldn't pool. If he hasn't told you why he is doing this, you might want to ask your husband. But I don't think you should suggest that he in any way owes you this money or should be spending it the way you think he should.
If you aren't going to be able to meet your financial obligations, you need to talk to your husband about making a budget and cutting back on expenses.
I think you have two other big questions to figure out - are your finances really joint and what is he planning to do for the future job-wise.
So, did your husband freely put his money into joint expenses when he had a job? Does he have a 401(k) or other savings and does he see them as yours? Why isn't he worried about the future? Did he ever invest in your business?
And, how does he see his future? Is he planning to get another job? Does he see working as your partner as his only job? Do you want him to get another job because you don't like working together in business? Without blaming him for complaining about things, if you two don't work well together, it might be best not mix marriage and business.
Finally, how has he been doing emotionally? Has the situation of losing his job and not getting back into his field left him depressed? Does he need outside help? Is he feeling sensitive about what you think of him? Is he having a hard time dealing with you earning more than him? Could he be complaining about small things because he feels bad about where he is now compared to before? Do you think he might be worried that you liked him better when he was a big earner? What are his goals in life right now? Does he want to go into a new field or retire or anything?
I don't actually understand what you were saying about he got hired for some jobs. That sounds good. Did he quit or something?