Asked by Peenu on
Communication after a breakup...
He broke up with me after almost a year. Said he "Didn't have the time or energy to put into a relationship to make it work at this time" blah, blah, blah. Anyway, ever since then, he has been calling me everyday (once or twice at least) and IM'ing me at lunch. Here is the thing... I made a joke about getting to the gym because I wouldn't find a boyfriend if I were to become a "fatty". (Sorry, no offence implied, I was just making a joke to him) He then replied with "Well, I guess you are moving on then, huh?".... UM, HELLO!?! You broke up with me! I reiterated this to him and he said "Well, I thought you were still waiting for me to make up my mind about you". WTH?!?! Are you serious?? This statement was completely narciccistic (sp?) and really pissed me off. As if I have nothing better to do that to sit around and pine away after a man who already gave me up.
OK, here is the flip side... And you will probably berate me for it. I AM waiting to see what he wants to do as far as reconciliation is concerned. But trust me, he has NO idea that that's the case. I make myself very busy and not too available for him when he calls. Next week is his birthday and he is having a HUGE party at a local bar with tons of people and 4 bands. I told him today that I didn't think I was going to make it. He got totally upset and said "You BETTER make it! I want you there!", then asked why. I said that I think that is the same day that my friends are getting together for an out of town band putting on a show and that my money would be tight. He said "I WILL put you on the guest list and you better be there, I really want you there!"
So... all-in-all, here is my question. What is he thinking!?! LOL I would really love to be there for his birthday, but I don't want to seem too eager. He is the one that broke up with me, so I am the one who is suffering here. He even texted me the other night before bed telling me he really missed me. I just responded with an "awww.... I hope you get some rest tonight" and left it at that. I am not used to this. Usually for me, if the relationship is over, then it is OVER. Thanks for reading if you got this far!
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My hats off to you. I am struggling to with the heart-break of losing the man I thought was the love of my life. You are doing all the right things. You are very strong and independent. I don't like the idea that he was 'testing you', see if you would wait around. He sounds immature. It's a 'power play', see who's more 'into' who.
Play on - you are doing great. But now think about do you love him and want him to find his way back to you? Stay at arms length. He needs to work very hard to get you back, don't make it too easy for him, but don't be too distant either. A birthday is a very important day, it's once a year - go out with your friends another day. Or maybe you can make an appearance at both. Show him you care, acklowledge his b-day, and party on. If you don't show up, that's like saying you don't care about him at all. Going to his party could be an excellent move. There will be lots of guys there, you are 'available'. Mingle, mingle, mingle!!! He'll see you interacting with other guys and if he wants you back this will bug the hell outta him! Have Fun!
Cut off all contact with him--it's not healthy to torture yourself this way. You need some space between you to see more clearly. He is clearly not ready for someone like you, but he still wants to keep you on a leash. He's not a bad person--he could be wonderful, but he's just not YOUR kind of wonderful at the moment--and maybe never will be.
Let it go. Know you are a kick-ass woman without him, and get on with creating an amazing, awesome life, just for YOU. Play the field for at least a year so you can hone down exactly what YOU want--and don't want--in a man. The right man is out there--actually, there are hundreds if not thousands if not millions of guys who are right for you, waiting to cherish and adore you. In the meantime, have some fun. Be curious--consider dating a grand experiment and an adventure to take the pressure. You go girl!
Awesome tbone64... didn't see it from that perspective. Thank you!
He wants you, but he wants you on HIS terms. If he's told you that he doesn't want to commit to a relationship, then take him at is word. He's told you where he's coming from. However, he also knows that you're a keeper, so he doesn't want to let you go.
The question isn't "what is he thinking?" The question is "are you going to settle for less than what you really want?"