Asked by NotSoCuriousGeorge on
If he cheated WITH me, is that a definite that he would cheat ON me?
I know you've heard this one before. I always tried to avoid it, but somehow ended up in it.
I met my current BF online. We talked online for about 6 months before ever meeting in person. We spoke as friends online at first because we were both in relationships at the time. We just had general friend conversation. I eventually broke up with my BF at the time and moved back home (which is in the same area as my current BF). I told my online friend I was single and in the area. The friend convos soon turned into flirting online. He would tell me about his problems with his girlfriend at the time. He told me how she wasn't a bad person, but she just wasn't the one for him. He would tell me of little things she did that annoyed him and how he wished he had met me 2 months earlier before they started dating (but keep in mind they had been friends before they started dating, I'm just not sure exactly how long). We would still have flirtatious convos, but I would always tell him I hoped things worked out for him. At one point I gave him my phone number - his response was "thank you, I'm very flattered, but I will not use it". I was cool with that...I didn't mind having an online friend. We continued with flirting online...he eventually said someting along the lines of "sometimes people stay in relationships out of fear, money, guilt, etc.". He was referring to his relationship. He said she had moved out to his area from another state to be with him and he felt bad b/c she had no friends. He felt bad leaving her. I would tell him that he can't help that...that he needs to do whatever makes him happy. One day I got a message from him with his phone number asking if we could hang out that night....sooooo...I met him for the first time in person. We had a good night...even had a kissed. I ended up asking if I could come over to his house because I didn't want the night to end and he said yes. Sorry guys - no sex that night, but a lot of making out. ANYWAYS - thats how it all started. We eventually did have sex...often...while he was still with this girl. I never asked him to leave her...I wasn't planning on being his girlfriend. I always felt bad and wrong because I knew he was in a relationship, so I eventually said..."I want you to do what makes you happy...I'm having a lot of fun with you, but am catching feelings and don't think I will continue this much longer". Before I told him that he would tell me from time to time how the relationship was coming to it's end. Apparently, he had been trying to leave her but she wasn't accepting. Then something she did one night made it easy for him to say "goodbye" to her and he wrote me the next day saying he was now single. So about 2-3 months later we became "offical".
As far as my relationship with him...we live together(I moved into his place...where as his ex had her own place), we have a cat (that he got me), we don't argue often, we have basically never yelled at each other, we are almost always together, very playful, have some miscommunication but when it happens its always similar miscomunication, we talk things out instead of giving each other the silent treatment. Overall I am happy and he seems to be happy as well.
So, what do you guys think? Is a cheater always a cheater? Do you think that because he cheated with me that he would cheat ON me just as easily? How do you feel about this "situation"?
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It's not definite that someone who cheated before will cheat again, it's just more likely.
okwell my ex-bf cheat on his curent gf cuz she was a bith flat out. but ive notice that he change cuz b4 in our relationshop he Never cheated on me but flirted with TONs of girls and there for i got annoyed and what no and he left me after 2 yrs. so he has cheated on every gf he has had this yr with me. i feel bad for them yes but i wasnt over him but i just wrap around my brain that he was useing me and lied to me... dont et this happen yo u =
It sounds like you guys have a good relationship. There is no standard as to whether or not he will cheat again. My husband was married when I met him, and I know he has never cheated on me. And I have a male friend who got with his wife while dating another girl, and he has never cheated on her. That said, it does happen. Don't spend your time worrying about it though, it will undermine your relationship, and make it more likely to happen. Being secure in your relationship is the best way to keep your man. =)
Sorry, just a side note for the "why must men cheat" club, cheating is not exclusively male. As I said, I never cheated on a single person I dated, but I've dated a number of women that wouldn't know what monogomy was even if a webster's dictionary jumped up and slapped them in the face with the definition. I've known quite a few women like this that were just aquaintances as well, so please, stop with the man-hating and accept that cheating knows no gender.
You actually sound a lot like me and what I've been through. Sure, there is always that concern that if the person you're with has cheated before they will do so again, but it sounds like you have the right attitude about it, and it sounds like you and your guy have a great relationship, a very healthy one if fact. Sometimes we meet people that we should really be with when we are involved with someone else. My GF was in a relationship with her ex for 9 years before I came along. He isn't a bad guy, but she was in the relationship because he was the only guy she had ever been with that had never hit her or cheated on her and seemed to be able to put up with her temper and insecurities (her words). She wasn't happy, but she was complacent, and she was ready to live the rest of her life like that...never happy, just complacent. We started out as just friends, chatting on line, hanging out, getting a few drinks at bars, but never being anything other than platonic friends. Didn't take long to find out she was self-medicating to help her cope with her relationship, including having to take sleeping pills just to sleep every night.
I saw real possibilities between us and chose to break a personal rule and persue her. I've never cheated on anyone, or been a party to it, always subscribing to the rule of "do unto others...", but I felt the need to make an exception here because when we were together she was brilliant, shining, and so many things I was looking for. We have a year together now, and it wasn't easy for her to end the other relationship. I've never been happier though, and I don't worry about if she will cheat on me or not, because I know the value of our relationship and I can see that she feels the same. She has changed in so many positve ways...no more self medicating, no more sleeping pills, and she is moving on with her life and going after things that she has dreamed of doing.
Not everyone cheats because it is their nature to. Some people cheat because they are in the wrong relationship and, sadly, don't have the moral strength to end it before starting something good for them. I'm not going to brow-beat on it, or hate on it, but not everyone can live their life the same way and have the same strengths and understandings. We can only ever choose if our actions are right for us based on what we know or believe. It sounds like you made a good choice for yourself. I wish the best for you and your guy.
No problem, I hope things work out for you both!
All I have to say is be careful. I was in a situation like this two years ago except I met my now EX online 8 years ago. It took us a year to met in person and at first it was odd and I really wasnt sure if things would go anywhere. It took us up to two years ago to really look at our situation. He was in a relationship and was engaged. I was happy but I was also sad. About four months after finding out he was engaged he cheated on her with me. They ended up breaking up and WE got together. Things were good up til I got pregnant and thats when HE STARTED CHEATING....
With that said two years later we havent been together the whole time my son has been with us and we wont be together either... So i feel this way, if he cheated then he will cheat on you...
BE CAREFUL
First of all, a man will exaggerate problems in his current relationship when he wants to cheat. There might not have even been problems at all. When he said that he was trying to break up and she wasen't complying, that could have been a lie. That poor girl could have been blindsided; you never know. Now I DO NOT believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. I mean, in certain situations a man or woman can be a serial cheater, but not everyone is. So it could happen to you or it could not. Just remember that a man who has lied and/or cheated before has the possiblility of doing it again.
Thanks guys!
tzbug7 -
Thanks for the response!
We have been together 2 1/2 years now. I def. agree with you...I was "the other woman". I won't deny that we were BOTH wrong. I wasn't going to ask him to leave her because before I had even met him in person and we were just speaking online he always told me how he wanted to leave her but felt bad because she had no friends in this new area that she moved to to be with him. Let me also say that he eventually told me that he never asked her to move from her hometown to be close to him...he said that she told him that she really wanted to go to this new school they were opening in his area and that was the reason she was moving to the same area...BUT when he tried to leave her she said "how could you leave me when I came out here for you?". To be honest, as much as I liked him, I wasn't going to ask him to leave her because a person is going to do what they want regardless...that is why I told him I wouldn't continue it much longer. I didn't really care at the time where my relationship went with him. In my mind I was like "whatever happens, happens". I knew we were both wrong and the longer this "affair" continued, the more I thought about it and felt bad for what we were doing...that is why I told him I was about to stop. It just so happend around the same time I told him that, that he broke up with her. I believe me telling him I wasn't going to deal with him anymore was PART of the reason he left her, but ultimately I truly believe that he didn't want to be with her regardless if I was in the picture or not (based off our conversations online BEFORE we ever even brought up the idea of meeting).
As far as the "the shoe on the other foot"...I understand why you say that....I mean I had been cheated on in the past with previous boyfriend, so I do know how it feels. Again, I WAS wrong! There is no taking that back.
I have talked to him about it...how we were both wrong. He admits that he was a coward in regards to way he went about leaving her and how that might look to me. Also, he CLAIMS that even though he was still in a relationship with her, that while he and I were having sex that he was not having sex with her. ---when I would speak to him online he used to tell me how he wasn't attracted to her sexually anymore and hadn't been initiating sex.
The thing is I don't put anything past anyone, period. So even if things hadn't happend the way they did and he ended up cheating on me...I wouldn't be surprised regardless. I guess I was asking if people thought that because he cheated with me, do YOU think there is a greater chance of him cheating ON me? And also what ppl think of the situation.
Ch33ry -
thanks lady. I know that no relationship is perfect. Things happen. I think there is a possibilty of cheating with anyone. As I said to tzbug7, I don't put anything past anyone. However, that doesn't mean I don't trust him...I just know that anything is possible.
First of all, you need to ask YOURSELF that very question! You cheated also! It may not have been physically with YOUR BF, but it was in HIS case (meaning the current BF you have now) & was emotional infidelity on your part. So, in fact you were also cheating it's called "the other woman". I find it hard to believe that he could not end things with this woman. If she wasn't the one then why waste each other's time?! I believe that if a guy is not in that frame of mind, then he will continue to find a greener pasture he IS commited to. How long have you guys been together!? Now, think about how this "situation" came about. How would YOU feel if the shoe was on the other foot?! Why wouldn't you ask him to leave her!? Just WHAT did you want from this relationship? I wouldn't think you'd want to be someone someone settles for. It didn't bother you that he was still in a relationship, or you would have waited till he was single to persue things. If you're both happy that's great! But, don't be surprised one day that it happens to you. Relationships are hard enough then to "meet" someone online & the infidelities fly.
to me they always say 'once a cheater always a cheater' but thats not always true. some for sum guys its trues but speaking from experience i`ve been in the same situation. where i meet him online and started as friend and we were flirting and he got a girlfriend. when eveer they were having problems he would come to me and tell me his problems. then they broke up like three months later and he asked me out and i accepted while we were dating i kinda caught the hint that he had flirty convos with other girls. so i believe he basically doing the same crap all over again. so in that case he was a cheater and still is a cheater. however in your situation i feel different. im not exactly sure if its a definte that he will but its a possiblity he can. so my advice is to have faith in him and think positive and if your keeping him happy then i dont understand why he would cheat. but juss remember its always a possiblity and you never know. we will never really know the real reaason for why men cheat