Asked by Jane Wilcox on
How do you know he's serious about saying "it's over"?
He's threatened me so many times, but we always work through it....and, yes, I know he's a relationship illiterate. I try to hang in there because there are so many good qualities in him; but he's only half-way committed. It's almost like every three or four weeks he gets his "time of the month" and wants to run away- of course blaming it all on me. This time he means it (just like previous times that he's meant it) it's over.
So, what's the deal? Should I just pack my stuff and say bye, bye - or stick out this little tantrum, too. When it's good, it is great. I know that all relationships suffer ups and downs, but to continually threaten someone with abandonment, that's just not nice- or good for the relationship, and smells of his insecurities. I hope this doesn't come across as whiny. I just need some serious answers. Thank you.
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For more advice from Matt and Tamsen, check out their website, Ask Matt and Tamsen.
For more advice from Matt and Tamsen, check out their website, Ask Matt and Tamsen.
Just move on. Youi/;ll find a way better guy snywyas who loves you for you!
Cease all contact with them, no faceboook, or myspace, and please, for gods sake deltet his number!!!!
call up your friends and make a great Ronald who playlist.
sooner or later you'll start to feel amazing- get going!
I am going through the exact thing right now. It use to be me that would hint at a break up or a break or something and well it has come full circle. The last time i asked for a break for a couple of weeks and he was like no i couldn't do that so I stayed with him. Not just 4 days later he is then insisting on a break. I agree and then within 2 days our 2 year anniversary he decides it's time to call it quits. I am hurt and broken but I leave to receive messages of " I have never loved so madly or deeply and can't imagine lovig again!" Wow that's not how things end! Is it? Anyways 4 days and 4 messages with which I have not responded he sends the one stating I guess you want nothing to do with me so I will say good bye and I love you. How does one not respond. I want to be with him but not like this. I let him in slowly over the next few days until a situation from our past comes up a situation that I don't think he handled fairly or at all and then he gets mad. Deletes me from messenger and calls with the I'm angry and let's just not prolong the inevitable - our break up! We have already broken up but now he is angry and he is strong and I'm left with the WTF just happened. It's a power struggle of who is stronger and who could move on faster. It sucks and well I'm no longer game. This roller coaster of life I want off and have found new strength to do just that. I hope you find your inner strength to either get off or buckle up and give it one last go around. Just make sure its your inner strength and not ours. WE are not emmotionally attached although we have expierenced similiar relationship hardships. Follow your gut!!!! One last time!!!!
same thing happened to me... he kept saying its over and i kept trying to work it out...it was really hard on me so finally I was the one who ended the relationship.It was hard abut i did it anyway.. it took him some time to find out its not a joke...then he came
back begging... the thing was by that time it was too late I didn't really care for him anymore. but I know he still loved me...
anyway my philosophy in such a situation is "set the bird free.if it comes back it means the bird loves his home" if it comes back and your not willing to share your nest no problem!
definitely time to move on. he sounds very immature. nobody should have to live their life always wondering if their s.o. is going to leave them any day.
Thank you all for your thought-provoking comments and wonderful insight. As Brittany would sing, "woops he did it again" and this time, I packed HIS stuff and have decided that it's just not worth it. No one should allow another to play ping pong with emotions, and I have been doing just this for the sake of "the relationship". Jane says No more. Thanks for the words that have been so encouraging and supportive. They have truly assisted me to come into a space with boundaries.
Making it a Great Friday - with my new-found, "suddenly single" stage....
I went through this with my ex. As a matter of fact we broke up for good sunday. He kept leaving and i kept trying to work it out with him. I told him Sunday to just go im not chasing him anymore. I havent talked to him since then but i feel like a weights been lifted off of my shoulders. You might feel the same way when you dont have to worry all the time what kinda of mood hes going to be in that day and if he'll want to break up.
This actually was me-reversed.I was the one who kept threatening to leave & my reason was because I was afraid of commitment...like you said, when it's good, it's good...but when we argued, i hated it & i couldn't bear to imagine how things could possibly get worse if we put a label on it...anyways, after some time apart, I got myself together and realized I was ready to have that label and now the "potential ex"..we shall call him..doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore..maybe he your guy feels the way I once did. If so, give him some time and some space and if it's meant to be, he'll find his way back to you.
Sounds like he might be BiPolar or have other issues. At any rate, it is up to you to put the brakes on the roller-coaster or otherwise set some guidelines for what is and isn't acceptable for you in this relationship.
If this relationship is in any way abusive, physically, mentally or emotionally, drop him like a hot potato! Too many good partners out there to deal with the psycho idiots on both genders!!! There are plenty of nice guys/girls out there that don't need to play head games, and have less emotional baggage to deal with, for you to be wasting your time if he is unwilling to have an honest discussion about your mutual relationship.
It sounds to me like he is very unhappy with himself. My suggestion is call a halt for awhile. Tell him you are not emmotionally prepared for the rollercoaster he has put you on and that if he can get happy with himself you will consider taking hm back. If he does come to you asking for forgiveness take it very slow. Let him know that your world does not revolve around him and if he wants to be with you he will have to show it more than 3 weeks out of the month.
Set up a date or two with some fun guys, Block his phone and text and email, call him one last time and Dump him!!!
I have some sympathy with your SO because I used to threaten to break up with my husband (boyfriend) when I got really upset. After a while he didn't believe me, of course, so the threat was pretty ineffective. I never actually got to the point of leaving, and I was 20 years younger at the time.
Whether or not you want to put up with it is up to you and how much you can take. If you don't want to keep going through it, then if he comes back to you, let him know that you won't keep taking him back.
I'm with Lyz on this. There is no reason for you to have to constantly keep the concern in your thoughts if this months tantrum will be the last or next month. There may be a lot of good qualities in him, but he really doesn't sound like he is ready for a real relationship, and your patience and desire to see him mature into a relationship-literate guy can only go so far. From what it all sounds like, staying with him is only going to result in this same thing happening over and over again. As Lyz suggested, when he has finished his recent bout of Manstrating, talk to him about it, how you feel about it, and let him know how much more of it you'll take before you can't take anymore. its not an ultimatum, but you taking care of yourself. Its also a bit of tough love for him. I know you care about him, but if this keeps up then you'll just be enabling this behaviour, and then you definitely won't get all that you want in a relationship.
No it's not emotionally healthy for him to keep threatening you like this. It's not good for you or him. If you really want to work it out. I'd weather this storm and then when he is back to normal, sit him down and ask him why he does this to you.
Also, ask yourself if you want this more than he does? Seems like he's got one foot in and one foot out. That's okay for the first few months of a relationship, but after a year he's going to have to decide which way he wants to go. And you have to decide how much you can handle.