Asked by mikhalas_mama on
Is it ok for me to be the one to ask my boyfriend to marry me?
If it is , how should I ask?
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I think it's okay for a woman to propose. The real question is what would your boyfriend think? Would it bother you later?
I think many, many women nowadays basically ask guys if they're going to marry them. They don't propose, but they do start the discussion of whether or not they should get married. The discussion might continue over a few months. In the end, the guy is supposed to propose and sometimes he's under pressure to do it in a fancy way.
It feels important to lots of women not to do the actual proposal, but I think if we're honest, we're not really waiting either. In the days when only men were supposed to propose, women weren't supposed to even raise the question and men didn't really know the answer when they asked.
I don't think women should EVER ask men to marry. From what I've seen, the happiest marriages are created when the man wants, more than anything, to be with THIS woman. And when he wants to be with THIS woman, he does what he needs to do to keep her happy. When a woman pushes, hints, coerces, whines or even outwardly proposes, she never has the feeling she is truly cherished by her husband, no matter how many years they "stay together."
I mean, you don't just want him to be married to you in name only, you want him to FEEL married in his very soul.
So I think women should give me a certain length of time in which to propose, and if he has no interest in marrying her, she should move on. She should just state her case "I would like to be married in the near future. Is marriage on your agenda?" Get a clear answer without all that vague stalling stuff men like to do. And she should do no begging, no fighting, no asking him anything. If she doesn't like his answer, time to go.
I did the asking, and we did marry. Thirty Five years later, I still wish he had actually proposed to me, not the other way around. Sometimes, if I am being sensitive, or he is being a "jerk" for a minute or two (or sixty), I find my mind wandering there Sometimes, not always, but sometimes. Enough, to make me wish He had done the proposing. Even though we had talked about it, for a minute in passing, and it was understood, that "someday we would marry", I missed out on my husband, showing that he loved me enough to ASK me to spend the rest of my life with him. One marriage equals One proposal. But the marriage can still be wonderful, I consider my marriage to be happy and normal! Talk about it by asking him in a casual way, what his goals are, professionally, rent or buy, does he want a big family or a small one, etc. Make it like you are serious about his answers, and be ready to answer them yourself. But try to be the listener, after all, you are in charge here, you are trying to find out if he thinks about his future with YOU in it. Lots of men, put it on the woman in order to not answer. But treat this like, everyone does this, plan how to reach their goals, for professionally, personally, and for things they would like to do eventually, like that movie "the bucket list". well, they were dying, but its a great way to bring up "his plans, and how he thinks of his future, what steps is he taking, like educationally, or making time for learning how to ski, play soccer or whatever.
But, keep in mind, the main goal is to get him to show his hand! But, not in a demanding, whiney way. Trust me, we call it assertive and they call it being demaning. So, good luck to you, but IMHO, there is more than one way to skin a cat, if your goal is to hear him say, how much he wants you to marry him. That takes the marriage to a different level right away, and personally I think its the man who needs to ask, for HIMSELF. He needs to hear it come out of his own mouth, that he loves you enough to marry! Men are funny, arent they?? good luck, to making the choice that is right for you!
I asked my now husband to marry me...although to be fair, we had been talking about getting married for a while and had been living together for several years. he was surprised and i believe really pleased that i took the initiative - even if it was completely spontaneous. i knew he'd say yes so there was only upside. good luck! please let us know if you pull the trigger (or if he preempts you!!)
Boundaries have changed since your mom and grandmom's days. Women take the inititave in many ways that were unthought of previously. I'm quite liberal in many ways and don't mind and sometimes even enjoy when the woman in my life takes the lead in some things. But not that one! It appears you are quite uncomfortable in initiating, and for good reason. If you do, I think you will regret it.
Proposing has traditionally been the males role. If HE doens't have the gumption to propose,it's obviously something not worth persuing. If he accepts "your proposal", I wouldn't be sure he really was of a mind to want to get married and may feel 'railroaded', particularly if he's a little wish-washy and things DON'T work out. Value your role! It's a womans perogative to accept or decline a mans proposal. Let the proposal be on HIS back.
With that said, the idea of marriage is USUALLY understood between both parties before the question actually gets asked. Certainly you can let him know that you are open to the idea. Women have ways of doing that . DON'T overdo it.
I have heard of a few rare instances of the woman making the proposal. I'm not sure what the exact situaltions were, and I'm obvioously not exactly sure of how your relationship is. But if you really need to ask HERE whether it's a good idea or not. NOT! Some things never change.
What he doesnt want to? Why put him on the spot? What are you going to do present him with a ring you bought? Then you have taken your relationship to a point of no return. If he accepts he has no backbone because he hasnt asked, and you might question why he didnt do what he should have. You will lose respect for him in the long run and the relationship will fail. You will have to move on to someone who would want to do this and would be into you so much that they would ask after a reasonable amout of time and planning. or you will have to wait until ? If he hasnt brought it up the subject positivly and its been more than a year start looking elsewhere its not going to work.
well the question is who is marrying who? Dear, if you are the one marrying him then go ahead ask him to marry you but if he is the one marrying you i would strongly advice you wait for him to ask. But, from my own point of view, i wont advice such a thing to by done by you...nature expect you to be chase by man and not the other way round. Men are natural hunters, they need to hunt.
I would agree with Haley that maybe it is time for you to sit and have a good talk with yourself and ask yourself the above questions 1-3.From experience with my gal friend who took the same step, are all weep and regretting their action. Or maybe, you are giving him all and sees no reason why you two should be married since he's got it being single. Or maybe your relationship needs shaken up alittle or you need to spice it up. Whatever it is, i would advice you not to. Enjoy your singlehood...cos if you dont enjoy it how can you enjoy your marriage...cheerio
IMO, probably not a good idea at all. Why? In our culture, we have a very strong social convention that men propose, not women. This means, if he hasn't proposed, its not b/c he's waiting for you to do it. Either (1) he's not ready to be engaged yet, or (2) he's undecided about whether you are the one for him, or (3) he doesn't think you're the one for him (i.e.,he just wants to date you). Whether it's 1, 2, or 3 - do you think you should be proposing under any of these circumstances? But, if you have been together a year, its OK to start trying to ascertain whether you guys are on the same page with marriage issues.
Well girl it IS the 21st Century! Some guys like when a gal takes the initiative and does things in a relationship too! As much joking as I do about the other gender, I do give them props for what they endure & what society has placed on them. I think it'd take the pressure off him. If you feel you're on the same page with things, think of a creative way to pop the question. Have you discussed what kind of wedding you'd have?! Would you consider eloping or justice of the peace type thing?! Possibly have a ceremony later to share with friends & family or just an after party type thing?! Try Googling about it & just let your imagination take you! When something feels right that means something to the both of you I say go for it! Just also know that there IS a possibility he may say no, or that HE may feel it IS the guy's responsibility to ask. Take that into consideration as well. I am hoping he IS a progressive guy, in that he thinks it's perfectly cool to have his special girl take charge in the relationship as well! Please keep us posted on how it goes! =)