Asked by Peenu on
Breaking up over stupid stuff??
I have been seeing M for almost a year. We have had our problems, but have always worked it out. Lately, I could feel some tension and when I asked him about it he just kind of blew up at me saying he "didn't want to go through this again" (we have talked about it before) I am a deeply feeling person, I would say that I am sensative, but when there is a problem, I need to talk about it. I hate to go to bed angry or hurt. I accept that he wasn't much of a talker but when I try to just let it go, I start to feel resentment.
We have been through so much together, he stuck by me through a pregnancy with an ex boyfriend and the adoption of my son. My son was the first baby M had ever held, and his mom was there too. I know sometimes people have a hard time with things, his father just passed away very unexpectedly and it has been a year since then too. I really love him, more than I have ever loved anyone. (I am 35) I love him enough to let go, but I don't think he really wants to. I can't think, I can't eat or sleep, he said he wants to continue a friendship but doesn't have the energy to give what is needed to make a relationship work at this time. Is this a cop-out? I am so messed up over this. I haven't called him, I did respond to his e-mail, but that's the extent of it. I don't want to be a psycho girl, but I definately feel like I could be! I love him so much, I guess I just need advice on what to do. Thanks.
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Lyz, THANK YOU! You are right, I have to work on not being resentful. I have had so much go on with me this past year and forgot that he, too, has had stuff. Wow, you and Q-Verb really opened my eyes. Thank you very much. You both have saved me from being any more of an a$$.
Qverb... You have no idea how much I NEEDED to hear exactly what you said. As I was reading, something "clicked"... I had an "aha" moment. Jesus, I was being totally slefish!! OMG, I am so disappointed in myself right now, but everything you had to say made perfect sense to me. I usually pride myself on being a very giving person and always taking the other into consideration, but somehwere along the way I must have forgotten the imporance of "space". WOW. I am completely dumbfounded and yet soooo incredibly thankful for your response. I needed someone to bring me back down to earth and set my a$$ straight, and you did. I am going to print this out and keep it with me.
He did IM me today (something we have been doing for his lunch hour for the past 11 months) and I was very pleasant and kept the convo very topical. You know, talking about his music and such.
He did say he would talk to me later, but I didn't ask when, I just said "OK, can't wait, have a great rest of the day and a great practice tonight." Now, after reading what you posted, I am going to implement the not being selfish part and really mean it. I do love him, I guess I forgot somewhere that he has problems too and it's not all about me. *phew* I just can't thank you enough.
His mom called me yesterday and wanted to know how I was doing. She said that he cares for me very much, that I made him happy and that she thought we were very good together. But she wasn't going to get in the middle of it (which I totally respect). She just basically wanted to tell me that she was still waiting for me to watch a movie we said we would see together. I guess if he is talking to his mom about it, that's a good sign??
UGH. Like I said, I am 35 and this is the first relationship that I have felt total trust for the other person. We were good together, and it pains me to know that I smothered him. GOD, what is wrong with me??? I can't let him just slip through my fingers because of some rediculous thing that I can fix about myself. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! You may have saved a relationship, but I know you have saved me from making such a stupid mistake in the future.
On the guy's side of things; Communication is an issue here, and while it is important, it doesn't mean that you have carte blanch to discuss whatever issue it is that you have whenever you feel like so that you don't go to bed angry. What I'm getting from this is that you need to discuss that subject right there as soon as it happens or as soon as it becomes something you feel strongly about. I understand that need, but most partners aren't ready to get into a heavy discussion at the drop of a hat. You need to give him time to be ready for this discussion. Also, if it is something that has been discussed multiple times, why is the issue still present? Back to your need to talk immediately. I don't mean to be harsh with this, but your need to act immediately with a heavy discussion when you feel the weight of the issue at hand is actually pretty selfish. That doesn't mean you shouldn't bring it up or that he shouldn't have to discuss things with you, but remember that you've had time to mull over whatever is going on. Even though this may be an old topic often discussed it might be completely out of his head at the moment, in which case you just broadsided him and put him on the defensive without once taking a second to be concerned with if he is even "available" for this conversation right now.
My SO has a very stressful life. When I feel that there is something serious for the two of us to talk about I let her know that I'd like to talk to her, when she would be available to talk, and what its about so that she isn't broadsided. This way, when we do have our talk, she is ready and open, not defensive and feeling like she just got cornered.
Another, view, being with a "sensative" person can be extremely stressful and tiring. A lot of the time it can feel like the entire relationship is built around that person's "sensativity", making the other partner feel like they have to walk on eggshells most of the time. Eventually the not-so-sensative partner just won't have the strength or the patience to go on, especially if the relationship is always about the other person's needs. As you said, his father passed away. Granted, its been a year, but that doesn't mean he is over it. He may have only recently started to process what it really means to him. You both might be at fault for that. Your needs for whenever you have something that you felt needed to be dealt with right there and then, and his desire to not deal with his father's passing yet by focusing on your needs.
This is all a talk that you should have with him...but first you need to see your role in everything, as Lyz had said, and just re-open communication with him. On the bright side, he did email you. I don't think he is giving you any kind of a cop-out though. He may genuinely be at a point that he doesn't have the energy to deal with every single crisis that you bring up...once again its something for you to look at. You may also just need to settle with being his friend, if you so choose, and letting him have his space. He seems like he really just wants some space to breath, so give it to him. Let him know you'd love to work things out, but on his time, when he is ready.
First off, you need to work on not being resentful. I know its hard, but that is your personal issue. Not his. Resentment can destroy a relationship and it sounds like its doing its part in your relationship. Resentment happens when you blame the other person for everything and fail to see your part. My advice to you is to take a second and instead of blaming him, look at it from his perspective and see what role you've played. Once you can acknowledge your role, then set up some time to talk to him.
When you talk first apologize (refusing to answer his calls or emails is a little immature). Then, tell him how much you love him and how much you want him to be in your life and then tell him you are willing to make it work if he is. Lay yourself out there. Compliment him. Don't blame. Don't accuse. Don't point fingers. I think that will go a long way to helping him see how much you mean to him. Then the ball is in his court. Hopefully he too wants to make it work. But if he doesn't, there is little you can do to make him. But being kind and humble will go a long way to patching things up.
Let us know how it goes. I'm rooting for you.
After my husband's father died, we went through a rough patch when it seemed like we couldn't talk without fighting. I almost think if we had been dating then, we would have considered breaking up. We stopped fighting only when I first let him have his space. Second, apologized and let him know how important he was to me. In response, he too apologized and just let me know he was going through a rough time but hoped I would give him some patience. It was a helpful conversation to have.