Asked by green_penguin on
How do I turn my "friend-with-benefits" into something more?
I've been fooling around with this friend of mine for a couple of months. And just recently, I've been wanting to see him for things other than sex. When we started this, it was kinda assumed that we would just keep this only as a physical relationship. But I think I getting feelings for him. How do I approach him about it?
Post new comment
You can't turn a friend with benefits into a relationship.. you just can't. The whole point of that is sex and nothing more.. he might be your best friend, he might like you, but, usually, it is us who like them and we agree with anything he can give us, as long as it's from him.. it hurts, you think that he's just using you and he doesn't care but guys aren't that simple. There might be something wrong with him, he might have some issues but he cares about you. They are just like us, not a completely different species. He can fall in love, he can do stupid things for a girl and he can be in a relationship. Maybe you're just not the one for him. Now, please girls, ask yourselves.. what do you want from him or any other guy. Are you ready for a relationship, is that what will make you happy? If the answer is yes, then look for someone who can offer you that, don't spend your life chasing something that will never happen. If all you want is sex and fun, then a friend with benefits is what you need. Be the one who takes advantage of him, do what you want and don't think about a relationship. I know that's what we do, but a guy tends to get away when you put that kind of pressure on him. If you sleep with a guy just because you want it, you're not a slut, you're just a woman who gets what she wants, nobody will judge you. It's your decision what you do, whether you look for someone else or you stay with him, but don't fall in love with someone who can't love you back. Trust me, if it was to happen, it would have happened by now.
I was having a fwbr with a guy I had been crushing on since a year. We used to be great friends and in school he was a year junior to me. We used to talk everyday, for hours on the phone, through texts. Earlier this year, I had a fight and I told him that I loved him in anger. He did'nt respond but things definitely changed between us. After 2 months it was my birthday and he did'nt do anything at all on that day, which included wishing me with a good message. So, i got very pissed and we both had a huge fight. We did'nt talk for 3 months. After 3 months he texted me with a hi, i missed you and everything. We started talking normally after that. After a week he tells me he is dating a chic. I was pretty hurt but I was happy for him. We kept meeting only a weekly basis. He started flirting with me after that, we had sex chat. And the other day I said sorry to him for everything because I was filled with guilt and everything happened just in the flow. We did'nt talk for some days. After that, we met and he told me he had broken up. After a month we decided for a fwbr. And we promised each other we wont tell anyone. He had huge fights. Then, i thought to myself if I get physical with him one more time, my feelings will become a lot more intense than what they were so I took a reverse gear. And my friends forced me to date this another guy who apparently claimed to like me. I said yes to him and to my fwbr partner I apologized and told him the truth. After a few days, I was talking to a very good family friend of mine who is apparently my fwbr partner's bestest buddy. He tells me , that he knows everything about me and my fwbr partner including the "base" we both are on and the locations and everything.I was so hurt.Now, I've broken up with that guy. And I'm really confused as to what I should be doing.
I very recently 'agreed' (for lack of a better explanation of my stupidity) to be in a fwbr. The guy I got involved with this way was a very valued friend who I talked with about any and everything in detail, unedited. I had never looked at him as anything other than my 'best guy friend' - mostly because of his past history with a long list of bimbos. He is recently divorced and seeing someone in another state (he portrays it as serious to some and not so much to others which is also hard to figure out- I guess it keeps him from looking stupid for flying across the country to get some 3 or 4 times a year) and it was very clear that this would be nothing but a physical thing between friends. In my mind fwb's call, hook up, leave....but that wasn't how this went down. He texted and emailed all day and evening every day of is own accord (and I did not text or email him first). Time was drawing near for him to visit his 'sweetie' and I was talking to him at work in his office and he gave me a really nice tight full body hug (the really yummy kind) and even a little 'peck' before I left - then suddenly dropped the communication completely. I Didn't hear from him for 2 1/2 days until I emailed him first. It was when I missed hearing from him that I realized I 'could' care more for him than I thought I would and I would have no control over it and it completely upset me. I think he realized the same thing (though he would never ever admit it in this life time) and that's why he withdrew so suddenly. That and maybe a little bit of guilt if a guy like this can even feel guilt. I told him his own feelings, thoughts and actions freaked him out too and he couldn't blame it all on me. We discussed it at length before hand - especially the part about how we were worried it would hurt our friendship but we 'did it any way' - we both went into it with eyes wide open....or so we thought. Anyhow, he visited 'her' and the day after he got back the emails and texts started again - and he said he was wondering when we were going to be able to get together again. WTF?!?!? These texts - full of innuendo - went on until the weekend and then - Poof - don't hear from him. Is he really this big of a jerk, a player, a womanizing creep, so much so that I just fell into the same category as any other Bimbo he's messed with over the years? I hate to think this but -Obviously our friendship was just a long drawn out part of his plan to add me to the list. If our friendship was as real as I thought it was he wouldn't have resumed the texting stuff as soon as he got back....and she can't be much if he started that crap 2 days after visiting her. But, I bet she thinks she is. He was just checking to see if I would still be available if he decided to hook up again, I'm sure. Do I feel stupid? Yes. Do I have regrets? No and Yes. No -I wouldn't have missed being that much closer to him for anything in the world. Yes- the irony is I miss the closeness we had beforehand. (Is that confusing or what?) And the guy I thought I could talk to about any and everything and always seemed to shoot straight with me - well, his demeanor is very different - almost guarded and strained now. Now I miss him more than ever.
At this moment these are my exact feelings , I could have cried reading this. I wouldnt have thought tht someone would be going through the exact same thing. I see this was posted in oct. Has anything changed sincs this ? are you in contact with him now?
Hey guys so I dated this guy for about a month a few yrs ago n we decided to be friends n have been friends for a cpl yrs but recently we ended sleepin together it wasn't planned or anything and now we've been doing it for a cpl months n also hanging out way more. He says he cares about and likes hanging out. Should I take that as he wants more from me?
Soon it will be a New Year! 2011 an opportunity to reflect back on past accomplishments as well as mistakes. Time to improve our self worth and value ourselves as human beings worthy of the very, very, best. If we need to change our social life, diet, career goals, health or spirituality whatever it may be. If we will focus on bettering our self the world will open up to us and give us better especially when it comes to relationships. Clean up our finances get the baggage of past hurts,unforgiveness, bittersness anger all that it's out with the old and in with the new. I do know that if we allow a person male or female to treat us like we don't matter why would anyone else see that they should. When we begin to treat ourselves the way we deserve we wont just settle for less. Not only that it could be very possible that we haven't been and that's the reason we have been attracting these type of people as the sayings goes. If you want to know who you are look at who and what you attract. If we are good to ourselves and treat ourselves the way we deserve then we want allow anyone to treat us any different. The problem with fwb is suppose you meet another person/man that may have a real interest in you and you tell him that your in a fwb situation right then and there you r telling that person that you don't value yourself and that why should they. They will either find someone else or see if they can participate in the reindeer games. So value yourself and wait for the person that will value you. A new hobby, go to the library, go to a movie, who knows going positive places who you may end up meeting.
You can approach him, yet be prepared for the answer it may not be what you want to hear. Of course when you begin having sex with a man you may begin to like him, because you have invited him to become involved with you that should be shared with someone who wants you for you. If he has flat out told you that he only want to be fwb that is exactly what he means. I just recently ended a fwb. When we first got involved nine months ago he tried to ease his way into my life as if he was really interested in a committed relationship. We separated for 6 months when I later found out that another woman he had been dealing with for three years called my phone while he was there. Well she and I became friends. Well anyway we ended up becoming involved again. Then he started talking that fwb crap. I have ended the friends all that. He's nothing but a user, that preys on women for his sexual gratification. I explained to him that why would I put myself in the same situation the previous woman fell for. I let him know that I value my body even if he doesn't and that I am not silly or weak. Value who you are a person worthy to be loved and not used. Besides the real question is WHY WOULD I WANT HIM? HES THE ONE NOT WORTHY OF ME! END OF STORY!!!!
I am in a FWB relationship w/ a co-worker who is a lot younger than me (17 years younger). I am married & he is not. When we first met @ work, it was instant chemistry! He had told a few co-workers that the 1st time he saw me it was love @ 1st sight. Which I felt the same way. & now when I am around him, I feel like I act like a silly school girl...i gush @ him :-). This was the 1st time ever having such a strong connection w/someone other than my husband. I told him that I was happily married. We flirted a lot w/ each other. We started having lunch together & just kept getting more "friendly". 1 day after lunch, he walked me to my car & hugged me & then came in & kissed me. I had never felt so much chemistry from just a kiss & he felt the same way. So we talked about it & we decided to give it a try w/ NO Strings attached. It has been going on now for over 6 mths. He knows i'm in love w/ him & that I do not want anything in return other than to be friends, cuz I'd rather have him as a friend than not..@ 1st, I had some jealousy issues but I had to be in control since I knew that I did not want anything more from him other than our benefits. but when we are together nothing else matters & it feels so right. But it makes my life so filling to have him in it & if it ever came down to loosing him it would devastate me. we talk all the time. He tries to hide his feelings from me but I know how he feels about me...if he did not then I would had been just a one night stand like his other "younger" girlfriends that he quickly sees once or twice & then ends it w/ them. He knows that he does not have to prove anything to me, he can be himself. & he always treats me the same when he is around his friends or anyone else, the same as he is when we are by ourselves. Everyone we work w/ seem to know just by how we are together but we deny it & say we are just good friends! Great FWB!! You just have to be honest w/ yourself & your friend...up close & true w/ each other! & probably the only way to keep yourself from waiting until he/she starts to feel the same way..try to find someone else to occupy your time...perhaps a new friend or a boy/girlfriend!! Hang in there everyone!! I'm not much into country music but the song "The Dance", by Garth Brooks can help sum it up!! ""I could have missed the pain But I'd have had to miss the dance"".
I was in the same situation, we were really good friends, did everything together, then we started having sex. He tells me all the time he is thinking about me and im beautiful, i started falling for him and decided to talk to him about it, and he said he felt the same. He says he is a little confused and wants to see how it goes - to take things slow but that he is happy around me and he could see us together. So now we are taking it one day at a time.
What I mean I can't relate is that im not saying im not in a fwbr because I am, mine is just more complicated then yours.
We have been friends since my sophomore year of highschool and for some reason after being his first to touch anything(he wasnt my first though just my second) we ended up being best friends afterwards. No, we never dated and he said that he doesn't like me more then as a friend yet, sometimes I wonder if he does like me but, doesn't know it.
Have any of you seen "when harry met sally?" I was wondering if it is somthing like that cause he is almost like a harry except he is completly nerdy hahaha and to this day, my last week in highschool, we don't mind doing things sexually but, WE HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY HAD SEX!! That was his idea fyi, and i agree with him.
Here is the thing though, sometimes I like him more, somtimes I don't. Recently I have been liking him more and more but, I would never pursue him for many reasons. I just wonder....
If he doesn't like me more then friends, as he says, then how come he is more comfortable doing stuff with me then with other girls?? Heck, he lost his v card not too long ago, has had head from other girls and etc. Yet he says im his "bestie, or buddy" and idk he acts like he is more comfy with me. I also don't get another thing, he told me like a 2 weeks ago that he did stuff with a friend of mine and he was like "your probably gonna kill me" and when he told me im like "so, your a guy, its not like im the only girl u have ever done stuff with."
But, don't think we are just into that stuff. Whenever others have hurt us we have been there for each other. We have both seen each other cry and we tell each other stuff that we don't normally tell anyone else. Somtimes he is protective of me and EVEN MORE NOW just cause his mom told him after prom that she thinks of us as brother and sister and that he better look after me or she'll kick his ass xD
And sigh, I have cheated on 2 guys with him a long time ago but, they weren't very good boyfriends and took me after they broke up with me and lookin back to see that they didn't treat me well. One, hardly ever hung out with me cause of sports and the other one..we were friends even longer then me and my fwb. We dated but, he broke up with me 3 times and always flirted with other girls, always made me feel like shit and etc... Doesn't make it right I cheated on those two but, I have had my reasons.
So last night we hung out again, and he said they deserved it anyways, they didn't treat me right. He wants to meet any guy I like to protect me and make sure they are a good influence on me and yet, he has told me he feels NO romantic feelings for me!!
So sometimes i wonder if he likes me..and doesn't know it..
and even if he does, I have my own reasons for not dating him..no matter how much I sometimes wish it.
but what do you guys think? messege me on my yahoo acount ok.
You can't turn your "friend-with-benefits" into something more. Run, run as fast as you can away from this man. He only wants to use you. That is what men mean when they ask for a "Friends with benefits relationship".
I'm in a loveless marraige and in a FWB relationship for over 6 years! It's emotionally draining and I'm having thoughts of ending it because I think about him so much when we're not together. I have a busy life with kids and he thinks I have too many responsibilities the last time I told him I care for him more than just FWB.
I don't want to jeapardize my marraige if he doesn't want to "be there" if I get out of the loveless marraige. He is passionate when he's with me and I keep thinking he must really care when he keeps calling me when he can have any girl he really wants. He's still on his own, and I juggle a great career and have time to be an involved mom and keep in shape with my hobbies of snowboarding, wakeboarding and learning to surf.
WHAT TO DO????
Run, don't walk. These things are never a good idea. The chemicals that are being fired off...serious stuff. (Usually more intense for the woman...not always, but usually....crazy, but this is as mother nature intended it.) That little dance has been created by mother nature to bond man and woman. Life is short. Don't wear yourself out with this type of relationship. Keep yourself fresh and free and happy and save your energy for a real relationship.
I've been reading ur comments after i saw this question and it kinda sounds like what i'm going through. Iv'e been seeing this girl for quiet some while already. We've been having sex, dating, exchanged gifts this past christmas, i even got her a gift for valentines day thats coming up. I'm confused to i really really really like this girl sometimes i hope and pray that she would want to be my girlfriend, but i feel like its gonna take along time before that can happen. I already asked her if she wanted to be my gf about 3 to 4 months ago and she said she's more of a friend and family kinda girl, she also mentioned that she wouldn't be a good gf. So i asked if we can still see each other and we have, and i know its gonna sound like if i've been trying to bribe her but i'm not. I have been trying to take her out on dates and i bought these gifts just so that maybe she can see how much i care about her and she would want to be with me. Like i mentioned i like this girl and i haven't slept with anybody else and i don't want to cuz i want her not just sexually i want her in every way. Someone i can talk to cuttle with in bed, on the couch u know someone just to love and have her tell me she loves me when i tell her those words. And yes i think about her everyday its hard for me to not try and call her she is just so beautiful to me and i sometimes think that i can't even let her go cuz i love her so much but i don't think she feels the same about me :(
A FWB situation can work out excellent, but communication is important, like in any relationship. If it is getting more for you, definately discuss and work out your feelings with this guy. If he is not a total jerk, he will at least listen to you, regardless of how it all plays out.
The FWB situations that work for me, we know what it is, can get right to business, and it is a mutual agreement between my woman and me. I have went back and dated ex-girlfriends, remained friends with them, but realised that there was a reason I was not dating them now.
I might also add that I am fixed, and what works for me is a dangerous situation financially for another male. Due to the STD risks, you better believe I am friends first before I go beyond that.
I'm in the same boat. Only I'm really confused and feel like I've been intoxicated by my fwb. We haven't been for very long at all. I was reading your question and everyone's comments and relate to all. And I've even been using the suggestions you've all said. It was stated early on and made clear what we both want. He's been hurt a number amount of times and doesn't want a relationship. I have healed from the hurts I went through from relationships and am ready for one so we clearly know we want different things. I even told him I wasn't gonna mess around with him and I didn't a FWB thing but then I gave in and slept with him, then I got attached and realized I had to quit it now and I told him again I wasn't going to do it again that I just want to be friend if he does. Well he held that on me and eventually I gave in again and the second time was better and I tried to not get attached but I did, even after the first time I was talking to him alot and not giving him a chance to contact me, the same thing after the second time. Its like Im trying to be strong but I get weak and want to be with him again. I liked that comment someone made, I forgot now about how you should tell him how you feel and about how you should break it off and not even be friends if you two want different things. Should I tell him how I feel? Cause I went a few days without contacting him and forgetting about him, then he contacted me just to say hi, now I can't stop thinking about it and having a hard time breaking completely free from this 'cause at first I did think I'll go through with the FWB since I may need that from time to time and in hopes it would change him and then I realized it never works like that. so how do I break free when its so hard. With every little convo or bit of talk i have with him usually via text or IM I just can't seem to stop talking to him and thinking about him when its clear he doesn't want anything more with me yet he kinda leads me on or just that he learned what pushes my buttons and thats what he's doing. but for you, the gal that asked the question, tell him, if he says it wont go any further, then you do need to let him go and move on, as hard as it'll be, the more involved you get the harder. . that what I know I need to do remain strong. but i can't shake this feeling. so to the others what should i do?
I am in a situation like that kinda now. We started off as friends,month or so later we started kissin n things. A month after that, we finally did the "benefits" part. But my problem is that its never been only a FWB relationship. We talk all the time, well go places together, he holds my hand. When we meet, we have long talks and are just comfortable together, then one thing leads to another and we do it. We agreed at the start that we were only FWB but its never felt that way. When we have sex, it isnt like strangers, hes very passionate in bed and it feels right. I know its not though. Ive told him I have weird feelings for him and we talked about a real relationship. Hes not against it and wouldnt mind but we cant be like that right now. I think Im falling for him though and Im not sure exactly how he feels. How can I get him to open up about how he feels about me?
You can turn it around but it may require a bit of deviousness that I prefer to call understanding male nature. You see, they don't want what they can easily have and you have proven to him that he *can* have you. You may want to begin to put some distance between you two...you're busy when he calls, you might start an actual (fake) relationship...in other words how can he miss you if you won't go away. Men are hunters by nature and fwb tends to short circuit a more natural relationship balance.
For more advice from Matt and Tamsen, check out their website, Ask Matt and Tamsen.
For more advice from Matt and Tamsen, check out their website, Ask Matt and Tamsen.
This happens to men and not just women! Love is a funny thing and sex can spoil you and make things seem more than what they are. Go easy, unless you want a yes or no answer!
It is true, you should have the Friends part working in a FWB situation. If he doesn't feel that way, maybe that is where the relationship is lacking. Many men, because of their jobs or whatever, prefer FWB. In some cases, a romantic relationship is just not feasible, whatever the reasons. I don't think it is bad if you tell him of your feelings, you should have already been doing that! But if you come out like it has to change to a "Love Thang" you will likely run him off because he will see it as a change from what was, up to now, a comfortable situation.
It's not going to turn into anything more. He's not interested in anything more, hence why it was a "friends with benefits" situation. If he wanted a relationship with you, he wouldn't have put put you in the FWB category. Sorry to say but if you do approach him with demands or relationship requests he'll just say that you knew he wanted nothing serious.. It might so crass and cold but save yourself the heartache and just find someone who wants you the way you want them.
Just let it go. You can have someone who doesn't want to be had. Set him free!:0 There are good men out there, who want to be involved in relationships. It's just that you have to never give up on that.
FWB is a hard situation to end. If I was with someone for "benefits" only, I would assume that they wanted nothing more. I've notice, if a someone wants to be with you, they will be with you; they wont want only a FWB relationship. Now of course not everyone is like that. I'm truely sorry about your situation, I know it must suck. Best of luck. :
Hold on. Was this a friendship with sex benefits or just sex without friendship? So you want to see him for other things. You mean other things like friendship? Or do you mean you want a romantic involvement? You need to be clear in your own mind because sex automatically generates feelings, which are confusing in a FWB relationship. My guess is that he will be happy with sex and he may be happy with friendship added in but that he does not want a traditional romantic relationship with you. If you want to keep his friendship (and you may not if you are looking for romance when he isn't) then you need to approach him carefully. "Hey, what do you think would happen if we started to fall for each other" might give you some insights into his standpoint without putting the cat too much among the pigeons. After that, you can think about where you go from here. FWB is hard work, to keep the balance, but can be incredibly rewarding when it works.
I just recently ended a friends-with-benefits relationship because what's happening to you happened to me. I found myself always thinking about my FWB a lot and wanting to be with him more even when sex was not involved. I feel that the best thing to do is go ahead a let your FWB know how you feel and see if he's even interested in the idea of you to becoming more than friends. You don't need to declare your love for him, but just let him know that you are developing feelings (which is natural if you're sleeping with someone) and you want to know if he feels the same. A FWB relationship maybe all he wants and if you're falling for him, it's better to find out now and get out quick before you get hurt.
When I let my FWB know that I was beginning to fall for him, he told me that he wasn't ready for a commitment. I told him that was fine but I also told him that I could no longer have a physical relationship with him just to protect myself. It sucks at first and it hurts sometimes, but I figured the sooner a FWB relationship ends, the better.
If your FWB feels the same for you then, that's great. However, if he's just in it for the sex, then end it quickly. You'll end up getting hurt. And I agree with Sundoll77, these arrangements never seem to work out well. Think about it this way... You deserve someone who wants all of you (the sex included), not just for the sex. If this guy doesn't want something more than a FWB relationship, he doesn't appreciate the whole you and probably isn't worth your time.
The only way you will know if he wants things to be differently between the two of you is to ask. If his answer is no you must decide if that is acceptable or if you need to move on.
There is no point in becoming upset over this or hoping you can change his mind. It is unfair to him. The fact is that you knew what you were getting in to when you started.
I know that fact does not make your situation any easier. It hurts when you fall in love and don't know if the other person feels the same.
Avoid this type of relationship in the future. It may simply be that emotionally you are too caring of a person to be physically involved without becoming emotionally involved. This is actually a good thing. It means you are loyal and when you do find the one for you it will be a fantastic relationship!