Asked by Sheila on
Is it OK for my husband to secretly watch porn when I am feeling left out of our sex life?
I have been married for 4 years. About one year ago I discovered (accidentally) that my husband watches porn on a regular basis when I am out of the house. I was so hurt when I discovered this because I had felt like he was absent from our sex lives for quite some time; he was distant, rarely initiating sex with me. I had to be the one to initiate it which made me feel like he did not want me. He told me watching porn was something he had been doing for years before he met me and that it is no big deal. I was so angry at the secrecy of it all; it felt like he was having an affair and that he was taking his sexual eneryg outside of our relationship. I am somewhat shy and probably less sexually experienced than he is, but I want this to change. This whole situation has been making me feel very depressed. I have been trying to ignore my feelings because he told me that "all guys do it" and I should not get so upset about it, but I can't help my feelings. I feel like I have no control over the situation and it is making me crazy. I am not morally opposed to porn; in fact, I would watch it with him, to add some spark to our relationship, but I just don't want to be left out of his sex life. I am a beautiful, sexy woman (according to my husband); why can't I be enough for him?
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i literally feel like my heart is being trampled on i feel terrible. a year ago i felt amazing with him...now i feel like a fool and so so rejected....ive gone from feeling sexy adored to old ugly and unwanted because porn is before me ...i hate what he has made me feel
I have been going through the same problem since summer of 2009, when I too accidentally found out my husband watches porn, then did my own research and found out he watched porn all the time.
I was taken by surprise completely because he had told me a few years prior that he would never watch porn because of all the problems it had caused between his parents when he was young. I believed him.
I think the way that you had put it, feeling betrayed, was EXACTLY how I had felt. Now, the whole oh watch porn with him and be exciting XXX in the bedroom! doesn't work....
I have never been boring, I have always been the one to initiate, I have "skill", knowledge, and have always been able to pay attention to what he likes and wants by his responses. I adapted to what I thought he wanted a long time ago. I did too watch what he was watching to maybe see if there was something I wasn't doing. I was even giving up full sex to please him only, because that seemed to be the biggest theme of what he wanted, and it made zero difference, and he was still telling me no 90% of the time.
He explained to ME, that sex and, well, that were two different things, where sex is emotional for him and he's not always in the mood, whereas his porn is more like background noise to an action already in progress as if the two weren't related at all. If that were the case, please tell me, why would he be looking at it whenever, and I do mean WHENEVER I left the house, or was asleep.
What got me most about this was when I would try to initiate with him, and he would turn me down, but he'd stay up after I went to bed, and there he goes again when the porn. It makes you wonder and really just kind of feel about two inches tall. I've always had self esteem issues especially after I had given birth to our first child. I tried to lose the weight, but unfortunately that does not solve the stretch marks or the sagging skin, or the once perfectly perky breasts that he once perfectly enjoyed. This is becoming more of an issue now that I have discovered he's now keeping porn on his Mp3 player, and I've now noticed him taking it into the bathroom with him, and I'm pregnant with his 2nd child. Just end up feeling like, I'm good enough to reproduce with, but not be a sexual outlet, especially now that he's treating sex with me as if it were a chore he has to perform and isn't being very involved even in the bedroom now. Once upon a time, even though it would be a month to three months in between it was at least explosive, now its as if its a bore and has to be done.. Erotic doesn't work.. and I feel hopeless.
I understand how betrayed and hurt you feel. I think this is something men do (all the men I've known do it and they think it's no biggie) BUT marriage is about sharing and being together and wanting eachother. When he goes off in secret to watch porn - or web cams, or chat sessions, or videos of girls - and hides it from you, you naturally feel LEFT OUT. Like, why am I not in this loop?
It's no good joining in - they want to do it secretly and then scutter off to the bathroom for a w++k - leaving you at a loose end when YOU want sex, because now all he wants to do is read the paper or watch TV. He's had HIS fun, and you aren't invited. It DOES feel like cheating, even if the other person is just anonymous...though I think it's worse when they hook up to live video feeds, web cams and chat, becuase thyen it's really one to one.
And just like you said, WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH FOR HIM?????
Your husband watches porn because he can. The greatest challenge for men (good or bad) is the lack of control they have over their sex partners for sex. A guy wakes up in the morning and he wants sex, his very sexy partner sleeping there next to him wants to sleep, he goes to the bathroom and takes control of the situation. It is just the way it is. He loves you no more or no less, he simply uses porn because he can to get off when he can. Your next step is to talk to him about it and determine if you can take the place of the porn most of the time!
HAVE YOU TRIED WATCHING WITH HIM?
Sounds to me like he needs more of the kink, less expected, less mundain! Guys want porn, women want erotica and loving....."Men want a chef in the kitchen, a lady in public, and a slut in the bedroom." no it is not okay that it was a secret or that you feel deprived in the bedroom. My advice is going to be out there, but it has worked for me and all my married friends that I told to do this, and they did it.
One tell him you want to watch porn with him so you can learn what turns him on and needs, and you want him to watch erotica with you so he can learn what turns you on and need. I suggest 9 1/2 weeks for the erotica. Netflix download. Porn try Pirates of the Carrabean, notice I said erotica and porn, awesome movies; or ask him to pull up on the net what he likes, and go find what turns you on and show him. Warning: the net is a scary place and it is traceable, but a good first place to go would be www.xnxx.com notice at the top it says original layout. Click there to get to categories. (Make the agreement first, then, before you watch anything together....)
Two, then instead of talking to him get some paper. Make one for you and one for him, at the top write "Open and Honest...What is your Fantasies" and then number each 1-25. Now for some this is very difficult...point of Open and Honest. Now for you, females, make sure you name positions..doggie style, ride em cowgirl, karma sutra, toys (hard one for guys)....do it on the patio, in the kitchen, bathtub/shower, push me against the wall-standing up....what ever. (Don't sound like a romance novel!) Most of the husbands were amazed their wives had such needs, and most of the wives had no idea what Fng like a porn star meant. i.e the agreement of watching movies. As time goes by revise the list. These two things solved a lot of problems and now we have evolved to more wickedness, but we have all been married for more than 10 years-35 years and survived the 7 year itch, 10 year dull drums, and life with kids, and still have the best sex lives. :o)
Good Luck
The bottom line is- if it's not okay with you, it's not okay for the relationship. The best thing to do would be to sit down, tell him how you feel, and why you feel it. As your husband, he should be willing to listen, and you two should be able to find a reasonable solution so that both of your needs are met.
I think the real issue here is that you've been feeling like he isn't interested in sex with you. You two need to work on that problem. Try talking to him and get help from a counselor if you have to. There are lots of things you can do to increase intimacy or to make things more exciting.
Porn may or may not be adding to the problem if it means he has not more umph for boinking or if it is giving him unrealistic expectations about sex. But instead of focusing on it, I think you focus on improving your sex life. Then you'll find out whether or not the porn matters. I think you might not even have been hurt to find him looking at porn if you felt good about your sex life.
I think you feel like its an affair because he's kept it a secret. If it truly was no biggie, he should have clued you in and invited you in. You two need to sit down and have a talk, tell him that his secrecy about his needs makes you feel left out of his sex life and he needs to be more open and invite you into his fantasies and you need to invite him into yours. The problem here isn't the porn, it's his lying, secrecy and then trying to minimize the hurt.