Asked by Monica Freeman on
What do YOU do if your b/f chooses his friend over YOU?
Did this ever happen to you?
You have a great relationship, and you see one another a few times a week, even have the sleepovers etc, but he just cant break away from his best friend?
U want him to move in with you, but he cant let go of his buddy that lives with him?
And when should you move in together is there a time limit, or would 8 months about be enough?
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UPDATE>>>>>
I am very happy to say that my boyfriend Justin moved in with me this past Saturday.
That good to know that things have improved with you two since your first post. Hope things work out!
Keep us posted!!!!
Yes indeed, most answers stated are very much the truth.
He has indeed stated that he wants to live with me, but that he wanted to wait six months forst, and i totally agreed with that.
On the other note its been 8 months now, but i digress...
This past weekend was the best we haEVER!
He was extremely kind and passionate as he was never before.........
I let him talk to my teacher, who lives overseas, and he absolutely loved that, he never had an international call before lol.
and yes he has stated that he wants to be able to take care of his own thing on his own.
I have carefully listened to him, and week after week our relationship is indeed getting better and better.
we had the move in talk last night, i talked he listened,
and i did make the statement that he could move in whenever HE felt that he was ready to make the move, and we wont discuss the issue no more untill the day hes ready to make that move.
He looked extremely surprised that 8 months had past, while he nomally only stays in a relationship for about a month.
Obviously I DO mean qquite a bit to him, and its maybe a good thing i drop the issue of moving, he just has a new job, and now maybe we can look forward towards that soon.
An YES he really is a catch, If anyone would know this man, they would absolutely adore him, he was abandoned by his mother at age 9 in a horse stable here in OK, and he lived in that stable till age 18 grooming horses for food, and to stay there, he is extremely intelligent, and put himself through highschool.
Age 18 he found a grandmother who took him in till age 21 as she passed away.
He moved to Tulsa and met me. So thats long story short, he just has a hard time trusting someone, and i cant blame him for that after all he has been through.
Yeah Liz you are right, and you know much more about Justin and I then most readers here,
you know where I'm coming from
I will cool the moving issue and hope it does happen soon.
We both do wear rings with or names engraved in them lol.
I will keep you all posted.
Monica
Wow, a lot of material to go through here! I don't think you really have anything to worry about with you b/f. I'm willing to bet a lot of what Lyz is saying really applies. If he and his best bud are having trouble getting the rent up together then he may be really concerned that his best bud won't be able to do it on his own. Applaud that loyalty to his friend. Its an example of the loyalty he will probably show you, and I imagine he is unbelievably grateful at your offering to help him out. Your b/f is in a very pivotal point in his life. He is a young man out to prove that he can take care of himself, and its extremely important to him that he does this. From his success in this he can gain more confidence and maturity then if he took the easy road and moved in with you. And as to his commenting about wanting to move in with you; there are probably several reasons for the comment, but here are a couple. He most likely really does want to, and not for financial reasons. He wants to be with you...however, there is that little question of self-worth that he is going through. He doesn't want to have to be dependent on you. He wants to know that he can contribute equally, or as close to that as possible, to the relationship in all areas. Why mention that he would move in with you then? Because we all get beaten down by life at one time or another, and we all get to that point where, even if its for just one day, one week, or even for an hour, we all just get so worn down that we want someone else to take care of us and make our problems go away. We aren't unyielding stone, so we get worn down from time to time and really wish that the state we lived in had a lottery and we could win it and then life would be cake...and then after we've done enough fantasizing we go back to dealing with reality.
Your man sounds like he is a good catch. Remember that he is young and doesn't have the life experience that you have. Up until now his friendships have probably been deeper than the majority of his past relationships. He only wants to prove to himself that he can take care of himself...and he knows he has you to help him when (or if) he ever asks for it. Just support him in these choices, they will make him even more secure, happier, and more loving.
1.) If your BF has problems paying rent you don't necessarily want him moving in with you. Then his money issues become yours. It is telling that he only wants to move in with you for lower rent. He's not saying he loves you and wants to settle down with you. He's saying he needs cheaper rent and you just happen to be available. Not very nice if you think about it.
2.) I wouldn't mention the offer again. I promise he knows where you stand and he has decided to try to make the current arrangement work. Odds are that they can't break lease agreement (and other technical "paperwork" stuff) so he is required to stay where he is at for a period of time or something like that.
Also, while I think your offer is very considerate and nice, I think you need to move in with your BF for the right reasons. Namely, that both of you are the same page about moving in together, what it means for the relationship, the relationship's future etc. etc. From your post I am not gathering that y'all have discussed anything of the sort and this is strictly a financial decision. Important relationship issues like "Moving in Together", and Marriage should never be made on financial weight alone.
The reason I say this is that once he moves in you might discover that it wasn't such a great idea and it might terminate the relationship. This way the relationship can survive while he gets his finances together. Maybe y'all should wait until both of you are more financially secure/independent before taking the next step.
I know you want to live with your BF. You love him etc. I just think that more thought is required. May I ask you how old you are? I hope things work out.
I think you need to stop trying to solve his problems for him. He might want to work this one out on his own. If you love him, then I think you should wait for him to come around in his own time. Guys are fiercely loyal to their friends. This is good and frustrating. But it's also a situation he needs to deal with. You need to give him that space to do it. Other wise how are you going to give him space when he moves in with you? If he's independent he might also want to hold on to that for a while. While 8months seems like a long time, it's really not. If it's been two years, then I would worry.
I am not sayin nor stating that he cant be with his friend whenever he wants to, or dat he cant visit him at all.
Reason i stated the question is, that there are a lot of problems, and both of them have financial problems every month coming up with the high rent, thats why i suggested moving in with me to lower the cost.
He himself had stated 5 months ago that he would move in with me! w o me asking, so now i kinda wondered as of why he has not aproached it again, and if i should bring it up again? since my offer still stands.
PS- think about how creeped out you would be if your partner demanded that you give up your best-friend (who happened to be your room-mate too) in order to move in with him? You would think he was an abusive husband ready to backhand you! I think if you reverse the roles here you would see why he is hesitant to jump into living with you.
a.) I think perhaps you are expecting too much of the relationship at just 8 months. I wouldn't expect to move in with my partner until a year or two had passed. This could be his polite way of slowing the relationship down to a pace he is comfortable with.
b.) I would say let him have his buddies! If you demand that he give up his male friends then he will see you as controlling and domineering. I think it is in poor taste to think that just because y'all have been dating for 8 months that he should automatically be "yours".
c.) If he isn't ready to move in give him time. It could be just too soon for him, and its not fair to equate that to "how much he loves you" or something. I would say invest more time in getting to truly know your boyfriend before you judge him too harshly.
Later on you will be thankful that he has male friends he can pal around with while you go out with the girls. Relying too much on your partner to be your only social outlet is a sure sign of emotional dependency which isn't healthy for either of you.
I think you might be jumping the gun a bit here. Let things take their course.
I made the bad mistake of introducing one of my former b/fs to a guy that was the ex of my bestfriend. The two hit it of and started refering to eachother as their hetero-life-mates. They talked me out of being friends with his exwife and we all moved in together. About a month after moving in my b/f starting siding with his friend about all the apartment decisons and not asking me about anything. They decided to have a party and expected me to leave for the night so the can have their "guy's only" party. I broke up with him the day of the party which happened to also be his Birthday. So if things still continue to go south with this guy break it off, the sooner the better before you two get really attached or he decides that he should break it off with you due to his friendship with the other guy and relizes that he has more fun with him anyways.