Asked by Luvbugg on
How can I learn not to be passive in relationships, and not wait for the other person dictate the pace of the relationship?
I just got out of a long term relationship where I was the one doing most of the work. Now that I am dating, I find myself waiting for the guy to let me know how he feels or what he wants so that I will be ok to go forward. I want to learn how to get the fulfilling relationship I want. I want to recognize when it is time to call it quits before investing more time into something that is not good for me.
I have always taken the backseat in most things with it comes to relationships with men. I do with my own father. He's very distant, and most times I do not tell him how i really feel because he has put me down for my beliefs or progress in life from the time i was in high school. Now I am 27, a young adult, I find it hard to be assertive with men. My first relationship with my dad sucks, but I would like to learn to say no to men who are not for me...so i can get to the right one someday.
I have also been seeing a guy im really into for about a month now. It's purely physical but he does let me know about his life and whereabouts. I wanted this initially...just sex, but now I would like us to date and go to places and see if a relationship comes out of it. My ex fiance still in the picture, we still talk, I still have feelings for him. I'm not sure if it will be resolved but things were so bad between me and the ex that I think it is best to move forward even though my heart is still with him. It's been a year and a few months since our breakup and he expects me to wait for him, after he had a child with another woman. It's unfair and this is why I made the decision to start dating to find someone who will not do that to me, and really love me.
Any help..thanks.
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I was in a similiar experience. We were supposedly in a committed relationship. I moved into his home, tried to pay my way, do my share, help with house work, yard work plus a fulltime job( he didn't work). He spent time online looking for the next best thing and finally asked me to leave. Believe it or not, I spent two more years trying to convince him that we were meant to be with him giving me just enough attention to keep me hooked and convincing myself I was still in love with him. This was while he had countless other "relationships". Talk about lousy self esteem. There were times I felt like I had none. I have finally freed myself of this toxic relationship, bought a house of my own and have come to the conclusion that it is better to be alone than lonely in a relationship that is dishonest and lousy! Good luck!
Wow! I love women like you so much – I even married one. The man in the relationship is not responsible for your happiness – you are. If it does not feel right, if you feel you are doing too much, if you feel the balance is not right let him know and move on. Stop wasting your time and his. While I say this, I know how hard it is for you. You want to be sure, you want to give it your best shot, and you want to believe; do not do it unless you are happy with it. I married a woman very much like you and I noticed the distance, met the father, and took over all of the work so that she could relax and find happiness – it still does not work for her and we have been married for 22 years. The happiness you seek is inside you. You need to find a way to happy that you can reach without him and then he becomes the strawberry on top of your perfect desert. Only then will you be truly happy. It is a challenge and the truth and I think you can do it. What do you think?
I'm 40 and trying to get over a crappy self esteem as well. It affects everything and is hard to get over. Know what you want, know what you should go for and then make a plan. you seem to be doing the right thing about your ex. and of course you have feelings for him, I do mine too...but he's not good for you and you can see that. Please put yourself first if you can. if you need help. ask otherwise, I think you are doing the right thing