Asked by noboundaries on
Am I wrong for leaving a marriage of over 20 years because i dont want to live with his parents?
His parents have lived with us for 20 years, not because they are old and frail, they are in better shape medically than I am. They are both retired, live in a mother in law suite next door to me, have free reign of my house while I am at work all day, snoop through my stuff, I have proof, I taped my bedroom door at the bottom and sure enough, came home to torn tape (unnoticed by them ofcourse). I have begged my husband to move, I even left him for a few months due to this problem but he would not budge. I plan to move out as soon as our daughter is 18, she is 16 1/2. Am I being selfish? He is aware of my plan when our daughter is of age.
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Are you being selfish? Uh. No. 20 years of inlaws, and nosy ones at that, under your roof? I don't know how you've stood it. If your husband won't back you up, even after all this time, I think you're right to want to leave, just for the sake of your own sanity. Imagine how great it would be to have your own place without anyone going through your things. I don't blame you a bit. Good luck to you.
They have lived with you for 20 years? They aren't going anywhere! In their mind (and your husbands) YOUR home IS their home! I would feel like the "guest" in my own home if it were me. Especially since he defends his mother's deplorable actions against you! You didn't say how long you've been married but I'm guessing not too many years past 20. Am I right? Look at the description of yourself in your LoveBrief. Those are 4 words YOU chose and THAT is the most troubling of all and so sad to read. If they did move out, then what? Would you be able to put your resentment behind you and rebuild a life with him? Life is about choices...please stop choosing to live a life that is making you miserable. You deserve to be happy so please start making choices that will make you and your daughter happy.I stayed in a marriage for 15 years and was so miserable that I too was emotionally starved, resentful, and mechanical. He made all of the choices and decisions during our marriage, no matter how strongly I might disagree with them, my thoughts and feelings just didn't matter. Finally it hit me one day that I had no one to blame but myself for being miserable and resentful. Then I got mad at myself! How dare me choose for myself to stay in a situation that was so emotionally and mentally toxic. Did I hate me so bad that I would do that to me? I have never treated anyone in life as bad as I had treated myself!! That revelation was my turning point for me. I was a good person and I deserved to be happy in life and only I can acheive that happiness for me. By the choices I make for me. I chose to get counciling that week...legal counciling! I've been divorced 9 years now and have made choices that have made me extremely happy in the life I live now. Please, If you can't afford to move out then change the lock on yours and your daughter's bedroom doors and don't give ANYONE a key! Especially your husband as he doesn't deserve one! Let him sleep with his mom and dad since they are who he has chosen to be with in life. Claim a space in YOUR house until you can move out and make it your space! Only you know what choice to make to be happy in your life. Make the choice and don't let anyone or anything stop you from it! YOU DESERVE IT!
I feel very badly for you, and it seems that your frustration and resentment is growing. This situation is not common in our American culture, but in many others, it's very common. The point being that you and your daughter are unhappy, rightfully so, and you do need to change the situation. They will not, because it works for all of them. Your husband is too tied to his family. I certainly understand that the love diminishes when things like this occur - he is not nurturing you and your daughter as his priority. (Same thing with my ex-husband.) Someone gave good advice to line up your "ducks", make sure that you are financially in place to make a move and that you will be ok in that regard. Plan your move, because it may be tough financially for a while for you. And withdraw as much as you can from your bank accounts to have your cushion. You deserve happiness after all of these years! Do it for yourself and your daughter! It's scary at first, but believe me, you will be happy after you are settled. Good luck to you!
I had a friend who had gone through exact same experience with her ex. They had two children together and lived with his parents even though they had their own plance. He was just a total mamma's boy. After they immigrated to US from Armenia they lived alone for the first year. Things were getting better and she felt like she finally had hope for her marriage to work. Then his parents also immigrated and her husband told her that they were going to live with them. At that point she made up her mind and, as soon as they arrived she was out of the house with both kids. At the time her kids were in their late teens. She said it was the best decision she could've ever made. She was finally able to feel like a fully fledged adult. Hope that helps.
your husband needs to realize when you married each other, his loyalties are with you, before his parents. Boundaries need to be set. Some people have none. Speak to your husband with kindness and respect, tell him that there has to be changes made. Then both of you speak to his parents and set your boundaries. Be firm yet kind. They will respect you for it. If not, change the locks.
You should definitely try to get him to counseling with you. I would hate to be pushed out by in-laws, but I think your husband needs to make some changes. In the meantime, can you change the locks? Would it help if you get a video of them coming in?
If you are planning to leave him, be sure you have good financial plans in place. You have time to work on that now. Consult a lawyer, too.
I give you credit for putting up with this situation far longer than I would have - child or no. If you've tried to talk this out and he's not listening, it's time to go - he's made his choice, now you have to make the the one that's best for you.
I CAN SO RELATE. I AM IN THE SAME SITUATION. EXCEPT AFTER 17 YEARS MY MOTHER IN LAW IS STILL SNOOPING AND LOOKING FOR A WAY TO GET ME AWAY FROM HER SON. BUT SHE DON'T APPROVE OF HER SON EITHER. I WOULD NEVER TELL ANYONE TO LEAVE, THAT IS A PERSONEL CHOICE EVERYONE HAS TO MAKE ON THIER OWN. JUST REMEMBER THAT YOUR HAPPINESS IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS THE NEXT PERSON. IT IS NOT HEALTHY TO LIVE IN A SITUATION THAT MAKES YOU STESSED, DEPRESSED OR MAD ALL THE TIME. I WOULD TRY COUNSELING. IF HE WON'T GO, GO YOURSELF. IT WOULD HELP YOU DEAL WITH THE EMOTIONS AND HELP YOU MAKE A DECISION THAT YOU WON'T REGRET. HOW IS YOUR DAUGHTER DEALING WITH THE SITUATION? I WOULD ALSO BE CONCERNED ABOUT HOW THIS EFFECTS HER. I HAVE MADE THE SAME MISTAKES AS MY MOTHER EVEN WHEN I SAID THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN. I WOULD SET A MATURE EXPAMPLE FOR HER IN DEALING WITH THE PROBLEMS OF THE FAMILY. JUST DON'T MAKE AN EMOTIONAL DECISION, THEY HAVE A WAY OF BLOWING UP IN OUR FACES.
I definately say you need counseling and find out why he feels he needs to please them more than his own family. Lots of men have a hard time understanding that they are no longer bound to their parents when they get married, but this has been 20 years and you have been very patient and understanding more than I can say for myself. I commend you for your patience and my prayers are with you and I say pray more and ask God for His help and guidence. I don't think you should leave your marriage not only because it would hurt God, but if you leave you will also, make his mother happy. You definately need to move, but as a family.
Thank you for you responses, well, if you ask him, he will say no, they do not go through our things but every single day when I get home, things are moved, she goes in and "cleans" my daughter's room and even my daughter said she did not want her to do it but my husband said well since you don't, I say she can. He is so busy trying to make them still feel needed, he has totally overlooked his own wife and childs needs. I do still love him in some ways but due to the length of time this has gone on, too much resentment has built up and now, all I can think about is when I can be out of this house and just let them have it! I am done.
Got plenty of locks, they have a key, a key that he gave them and refuses to take back.
We are in a deadlock and I do not see any solution other than the one I have already planned for which is sad.
Why are his parents living with you? No way, if he won't budge, I'd move to. That is pretty selfish of him to take over and not let you have a say in who lives with the BOTH of you and for how long. And they go through your things?!!!!!!!!! That is unacceptable, you have every right to be upset.
I think you and your husband need to head down to a therapist and start dealing with some issues. It seems like there is more to this than just a snooping MIL. Have you talked to your in laws? Can you get a lock for your door?