Asked by T.L. on
How do I get my wife to want better sex?
My wife and I sex life is boring as hell.She do not even try to spice it up.It is so bad that when we have sex,I have to use KY Jelly to get it inside cause she want let me touch or rub her.It is just get on top {from behind},and do my business and go to sleep.I am trying to be faithfull but this is taking a toll on me.I need help.I can't touch her and we do not have any foreplay.I cannot take much more and need someone to help me to solve this or my marriage of nine years will end soon.She want even bend to meet my needs so why do I even bother? I am a man that need sex and want good sex and I love my wife,but this has gotton the best of me and I am trying to hold on and be faithfull.Can someone please HELP Me???????
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another great source is The Sex Starved Marriage on divorcebusting.com
great information!
very good suggestion:
http://askdrrobert.dr-robert.com/libido.html
http://www.dr-robert.com
There is a wonderful article on this very problem from a noted relationship expert, Dr. Robert Saltzman. You can read the article on low sex drive at:
http://askdrrobert.dr-robert.com/libido.html
I would suggest that you read this right away.
You can also check out his entire list of hundreds of questions and answers about sex, love, and romance, as well as many other topics here:
http://www.dr-robert.com/archives.html
Highly recommended!
For more from Matt and Tamsen check our their website, Ask Matt and Tamsen.
For more from Matt and Tamsen check our their website, Ask Matt and Tamsen.
Hi There,
There is a big difference in the way that men and women communicate. Women are emotionally driven and men physically driven. Once we learn to appreciate each other as individuals, with different needs, etc. we create greater intimacy. It isn't all about the sex. Intimacy starts way before the bedroom. Just finished reading a book called "love your wife get better sex" written by a guy Dennis Yanke. It's totally accurate and written in a way, with some excercises too, that are so easy and worthwhile. I like that it was a guy who wrote the book, with a great understanding for women. He's been married 30+ years. He has a website I believe where you can order the book. That might help.
there is some type of emotional intimacy that is missing here. either it is between the two of you or she has some baggage that she has not shared with you. honestly I read your comment and I bristled myself. most people who are emotionally connected and in a good relationship want to please each other the fact that it is robotic is not good for either of you. talk to a professional about this before there is any continued erosion to your self esteem and you do something you regret. make the next move with caution and love
WOW, generally speaking there's a lot of fabulous advice here!! The only thing I can add (besides that threatening to get another woman is unlikely to help matters), is to check out the book, "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel.
It's so common that the sex gets bad or nonexistent in long term relationships, but it doesn't have to be that way!! I've been with my partner for 22 years and we have GREAT sex. And when we do get into a rut (happens to everyone), we communicate openly and honestly, without judgment.... then we usually go buy a new sex toy!! :-)
Foreplay starts at the beginning of the day..... at least that's my thought. I would suggest you try and communicate with her because she obviously has some sort of hang-up with sex. She may not think it "proper" to try anything new. And, if you even approach the subject with a threat (ie: I'll go somewhere else) it could result in disaster for your relationship. And, there's also the possibility she married you and she's a closet lesbian.... food for thought.
There is a lot of good advice above, and I agree with alot of it....except if you touched my laundry all heck would break loose...unless you know exactly how I do it! Towels are usually safe, but clothes are a don't touch! Here is the thing at about 5-9 years of marriage....sex becomes expected, mundane, and all about your (the guys need) at some point. Be happy you both made it past the 7 year itch! Guys are ruled by their penis then come back with "the one with the hole is in control" which is such BS! Sounds like you and your wife have gotten in a rut...so how do ~you~ fix it. Seduce her! Show her you love her even if you could never have sex. How to rekindle the spark. 1. Clean up after yourself. 2. Pay attention to her pet peaves and fix the ones pertaining to you. 3. Don't touch a "private part" for about 2 weeks, but kiss and caress her erogenous zones-starting with putting your hands on each side of her face, kiss lightly on the lips, say "have I told you lately how much I love you, and thank you.", then walk away. Soft hugs work as well. 4. When you go to bed spoon with her, or have her lay on you on her side, when she tenses up just say "Shhhh, I'm not asking for anything I just want to hold you." Kiss her on the temple, and lightly stroke her arm until she relaxes. 5. When ya'll get up give her a peck and say "Good Morning Beautiful" So let's see a review-become self sufficient and a partner in basics mundane things in life-show her you love her no matter what-sex is not expected, but desired-make her feel beautiful-wake up her erogenous zones and leave them wanting=then go in the back yard lay out a blanket under the stars with a picnic, feed each other playfully, tell her you love her, curl her toes with a kiss-and if she is not wet and needing you by now......well Houston you have a different problem!
First, tell her to go to the doctor. Often times it's a hormonal thing that causes people to loose their sex drive.
Next, instead of guessing, ask her what makes her feel loved. My Dad still gets my Mom flowers (after almost 40 years of marriage) and she really doesn't like them.
Then, find out if there is something emotional-mental that is keeping her disconnected from you.Don't look at this as just a sexual disconnection. Keep in mind that for most men, they express love through sex. Whereas, many women need to feel loved in order to have sex.
Last, but not least, stop touching her sexually. Whaaa?! How can not touching her sexually help your sex life? Every time you touch her, you become just another 'to-do' on her growing list of things to-do. Tell her that you know that things sexually have become polarized and you want to change that. So for the next month, you don't expect sex from her at all-no orgasm of any kind, her or yours. (Yes, that means you masturbate)
But you would like to spend 30 min twice a week just touching non-sexually--hugging, massage, etc. And no matter how turned on you get or (and here's the difficult part) or how turned on she gets--no orgasm. If she attacks you, just let her know that you were serious about no-orgasm for a month. This will relieve her of the feeling like she *has* to have sex.
After a month, take it slowly. Ask her to hold you while you masturbate to orgasm one night, then the next time, she masturbates while you hold her. And if she has trouble orgasming, try sex toys. Read reviews at sites like http://www.freddyandeddy.com/ or the almost universally loved- Hitachi Wand Massager http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-reviews/vibrators/hitachi-when-nothi...
Hopefully, if everything checks out at the doctors and you take the pressure off of performing by taking it slow, her sex drive will return. Good Luck!
Maybe more women than I realized have sex when they don't want to, but I think this sounds like it goes way beyond being too tired. Lying there and not looking at the person or wanting to be touched but having sex anyway sounds really bad to me. I think you two need to get counseling to find out what is going on.
Things may get worse before they get better, but hang in there. It sounds to me like your wife needs a lot of love from you. This is one of those times when a couple should be trying to cling to each other and work it out, not argue.
When you go to work you expect everyone to pull their weight, and that should go as well at home. My husband helped me w/ the dishes and laundry. Unlike a guy a woman needs lots of foreplay. That doesn't mean just grab her breasts or between her legs. The biggest sex organ in anyone is their brain. Besides whispering sweet nothing in her ear try giving her a hug and saying how well she takes care of your home and children. Women like compliments just as well as guys.
We also like being swept off our feet. Reward her for the well job she does on taking care of everything. Get a babysitter and take her out for some good fun. Even if it's just dinner and movie. Way better than being stuck at home all the time taking care of everything. My parents took weekly dates even after having 6 kids.
I agree with brandon82 they are right. All the times my husband and I have problems is because he thinks his job is 9-5 and doesnt help clean or cook and gets aggravated if I ask him to change the kids diapers. Atleast take on one of the household chores like laundry or dishes. If you did like two loads a day I bet she would greatly appreciate it. This isnt the 50s anymore. What is she usally upset about? I know I say stuff aloud when I am aggravated maybe if you listen to and try to fix whatever is bothering her.
Instead of focusing the sex between you and your wifw being so crappy, why don't you try to reduce her overall stress by maybe cleaning the house or making dinner or something to make her life a bit easier. She will probably be more open to talking about your sex life. If you make an effort to understand your wifes point of veiw, she may become more loving with you, just a thought.
Why doesn't your wife want you to touch her? Did she have a bad experience with sex before she met you? I think counseling is a good idea.
You could also ask her what she would like you to do.
try playing little games. like ask her to write down on note card things she would like you to do to her or her to do to you and you do the same. then once a week or however often pick one out of a hat and try it. you may find something fun you both like.
try complementing her body and tell her how beautiful she is. in the bedroom and out of it. a woman needs to feel wanted and loved before she can really let herself go.
or tell her that tonight it is all about her. tell her that you want to do whatever she wants. maybe she has never had a real orgasm, which is hard for some women.
and last but not least talk to her about it. tell her that you love her and want to be close to her and that this is coming between you two having an even better stronger relationship.
I don't believe threatening to find another woman is the answer to better sex. I would encourage you and your wife to go for counseling. If she doesn't want to go, then you should go without her. Best wishes.
I think you should talk to her and tell her. I will if i dnt like it i will tell her you have to have good sex with your man if not he is going to get it some where else i am with you and i am a woman