Asked by lucy1023 on
Mother in law issues - she him wrapped around her finger
he is an only child and it is so apparant through various conflicts that she is number one and his priority. She plays the martyr and takes every opp to ensure he knows she is lonely and wishes he would spend more time with her. (she was widowed 8 years ago at the tender age of 58 and vowed never to see another man - ever, so therefore chosen the lonely life she has created). She has alienated all her friends but one, she gets angry at them and cuts them out of her life. She has done so my husband at various times, even up to 2 years at a time, prior to grandkids. Now she wouldn't dream of it. She drinks, every day, and the entire family (her mom, brother and my hubby) all tread very lightly to ensure that nothing sets her off into a binge.
I know without a doubt that my hubby would choose his mama over me at any time, if that ultimatum were made. After 20 years of marriage I have no respect for hubby and can barely talk to her, I find many excuses not to go along when he goes to her house (which is a couple times a week, BTW he calls her every day, even when he is out of town..me? rarely).
How to I get past it or get out and let him know why.
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It sounds to me like your husband cares about his mother and is worried about her. He may be afraid of having her cut him off again or he may be worried about her drinking problem. Have you thought about going to an alanon meeting? They have lots of information on how to live your life despite being around an alcoholic.
You probably know this better than I do, but not all cultures expect a man to prove his adulthood by forming a new family with his wife and being independent of his mother. It's very hard to deal with.
Thanks for your responses. The biggest problem is that it has gone on for so long, I no longer have the will or want to have him make a change. I have approached it in the bast and it doesn't end well with ridiculous statements and comments that I wouldn't know what close family is like becuase I am white (he is latino - implying that caucasian folks don't have close family). Why am I staying, I feel that it is my kids time right now and I only have 5 more years till they are both gone at college. They and my hubby are extremely close and on the surface it seems that we all get along so well. Oh well...5 years isn't that long to wait to leave after 20...
I can imagine how this situation has negatively impacted your relationship with your husband. Does your husband know why he didn't set boundries with his mother? If your husband's actions show that his mother is more important than your marriage, then you need to ask him why. It isn't as if he's neglected his mother, but she clearly has an unhealthy hold over him and other family members.
Does he think his mother is unreasonable? It's long overdue for him to make some important decisions about whether he wants to salvage his marriage. It can be salvaged, but not without deep soul searching and desire on his part. It sounds like your are ready to end the relationship if he doesn't make changes. I would encourage the two of you to go for counseling with a very experienced marriage and family therapist with expertise in this area. Best of luck.
Usually I'm a huge proponent of "get help, work it out, see it through", but 20 years is a lot of hard work, patience, and sacrifice. This sounds completely toxic. If he doesn't know how you feel then he needs to, and it doens't really sound like that is the case. It sounds like the whole family is whipped by mom and her drama queen ways. If your hubby can't accept that his mother CHOOSES to be like that, and that taking care of his family (which should be top priority) is more important that catering to his mother's pity party then there isn't really anything more for you to do. Why are you still married to him? I realize that after 20 years its not like its as simple as packing a bag and leaving, but what is keeping you in the relationship?
Have you talked to him about your concerns? His mother might be important, but he did marry /you/. At that moment, you became number one in his life, as much as your mother-in-law might despise that fact. I suggest talking to him first and feeling out what's going on in his head, but try not to accuse him of anything--the conversation deteriorating into an argument won't get either of you anywhere. One approach might be to tell him that you don't feel as if you spend enough time together as a couple, and go from there. The cause is the mother-in-law and your husband's actions as regrds her, but the problem is that you're being pushed out of the picture. One way or another, your husband has to be made aware of that.