Asked by luvtorn on
Should you stay with someone once they cheated?
We have a good strong relationship that has had bumps in the road.. some have been mine fault and i apologized and he forgave, but all the while he was forgiving he was cheating. So i have forgave him for cheating believing that he wont ever do it again. at the same time im wondering why the HELL i would forgive him for cheating.
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Yes a relationship can survive cheating. My husband and I have been married 11 years and we both cheated around 5 years ago. Ironically we are still friends (sort of) with the people we cheated with who were together at the time. After a long, complicated journey we mended fences but the biggest thing we discovered is total honesty.
I say if he really wants to change and you still love him, then give it another go around. Same situation happened to me the beginning of this year. My boyfriend of three years admitted to cheating on me multiple times while out on the road with his band. I knew it was only because of the people he was surrounding himself with and the mentality that they believe in. I knew he was better than that and that's not the person I feel in love with so long ago. He has made a commitment to change and he is really really trying. He quit his band for me and he is working at a christian camp to refocus his life on God. I don't know if you're boyfriend is religious or not, but my had a real conviction after admitting to me all his cheating.....
It's been hard the past couple of months. Things will be for awhile, but I believe that with love that is unfailing, you can change anything for the better. He truly does love me and I promise to stay with his till the end, unless he happens to mess up again, well then, he is out the door.
I don't know if this helps, but I thought you should hear another side to an opinion. Goodluck
Yes I CAN RELATE TO THIS!!!! I DATED A MAN FOR 5 YEARS.I MET HIM AT WORK AND HE ASKED ME OUT FOR DINNER,AS WE WERE TALKING OVER DINNER,I ASKED IF HE WAS MARRIED!!!!!!!! OF COURSE HE REPLIED NO HE WAS DIVORCED AND TOLD ME HIS WIFE CHEATED ON HIM AND THAT IS WHY HE DIVORCED HER.TIME WENT ON AND ALL I WOULD SEE HIM FOR WAS MAYBE 15 MINUTES AFTER WORK OR WHEN HE WANTED TO HAVE SEX ALITTLE LONGER.ON WEEKENDS WE WOULD GO TO BRUNCH AND HE'D BRING ME HOME.NEVER SPENT THE NIGHT,CALLED ALWAYS ON CELL PHONE,GO EAT WAY OUT OF OUR AREA.PEOPLE KNEW HE WAS MARRIED AND THEY FINALLY TOLD MEBUT IN REALITY I KNEW DEEP DOWN INSIDE IT WAS TRUE.I WOULD CONFRONT HIM WITH IT BUT HE WOULD ALWAYS SAY HE WASN'T UNTIL I BUSTE HIM1111111
Here's the thing; you are "taken" not married, and you look to be pretty young. Therefore, I would just quit while you are ahead. If you were married, or had children, etc., I would say give it another shot, because there are more than just feelings at stake in these situations. Now, here is why you should give it another go.
1. You are too young and pretty to worry about it. Believe me, there is someone out there who won't waste your time by cheating, and will appreciate every square inch of you.
2. People cheat for 3 main reasons, I have found. 1, they are unhappy in their relationship, and are sort of "shopping around." 2, temptation got in the way and they were not able to think of you, cold showers, you, you, YOU instead of going along with it. And this definitely echos reason #1 for cheating. Why couldn't he let the thought of you block out this other girl? He didn't want to. Or 3, he was drunk while temptation got in the way, which I think is a bunch of BS, because you can make the decision not to put yourself in said situation long before it happens.
3. Cheating is addictive. Once you've gotten away with it, there is a damn good chance you'll do it again, at least to that same person. Any time they are unhappy with you, it will always be in the back of their head that they could find comfort in "someone else's arms." They might still love you and want to even be with you forever; but just know that they know, they always have that option. (I know that one is hard to hear).
So that's the long and short of it. I know you love him, but it's time to let go I'd say; especially since you messed up too at some point, you mentioned. When you are aware that crappy things have gone on in a relationship, it tends to fester, and the relationship will always feel a little tainted, or unclean. I ended a 7 year relationship because so many crappy things happened during it, on both ends, that it just really got to us both- we had trust issues, things would get brought up in fights and make them worse, etc. It was so hard at first, but now I have found "the one," and couldn't be happier. And you'll be able to move on too, don't worry.
I think that trust can only be rebuilt if you two are ready to travel that long hard road together. It's not easy. If my spouse cheated, it might be over for us.
I have been in your same shoes. I have cheated and gotten caught. And he has too. We are still together because the love we have was able to overcome that. Temptation gets in the way sometimes, and although we should look the other way, sometimes we don't. It could happen to anyone.
I understand where you are coming from. Is it possible to recover from cheating and have a happy healthy and life long relationship? YES! Is it easy? NO It takes so much commitment from both partners and this includes a lot of change! I wouldn't begin to be able to help you guy solve this, but I can show you a diretion. Look for books that require you both to participate. I am going to recommend a book, called "His Needs, Her Needs." This is a very powerful book that I have known to help several couples, including myself. Both of you must be committed to working on this. As a general rule, if it happens again after you guys begin working to correct it... then it is time to let go.