Asked by Lizabella on
My husband doesn't want sex anymore
I have been married for less than a year. I am 24 and my husband is 27. I'm lucky if he will have sex with me once a week. I've tried to talk to him about it, but all he will say is that sometimes he simply isn't in the mood. This doesn't make sense to me. Even if I try to be sexy and flirty, he always just gets annoyed and rejects me. I want to feel desired. I want him to flirt with me. I want to feel some kind of sexual tension ... and I don't think I have gotten that from him since before we became an official couple ... months before we were even married. I'm convinced that he is depressed, because he tends to be more moody than any female I know. And I am hoping that him getting on some anti-depressants very soon will help our relationship improve.
I have been married for less than a year. I am 24 and my husband is 27. I'm lucky if he will have sex with me once a week. I've tried to talk to him about it, but all he will say is that sometimes he simply isn't in the mood. This doesn't make sense to me. Even if I try to be sexy and flirty, he always just gets annoyed and rejects me. I want to feel desired. I want him to flirt with me. I want to feel some kind of sexual tension ... and I don't think I have gotten that from him since before we became an official couple ... months before we were even married. I'm convinced that he is depressed, because he tends to be more moody than any female I know. And I am hoping that him getting on some anti-depressants very soon will help our relationship improve.
Post new comment
My guess is he's a novelty user. Pornography of some kind. It sounds exactly like it to me. It becomes an addiction and he won't notice. His brain becomes hard wired to it so he can't notice you. Even the depression and moodiness fits what you're saying. He could be getting depressed from the down that comes after a fix...and moody when he can't get a fix cuz you're home or something.... I strongly urge you!! Look up "Your brain on porn" on youtube. Good luck.
Google "I Live in a Sexless Marriage".
There is an online group of 25,000 people just like you.
Oh, and there aren't a bunch of male a-hole sex refusers on that forum like there are here.
That's the trouble with that group it is full of angry people preaching to the choir. When you have Refusers in the conversation you get a much more comprehensive discussion about the problems associated with being in a sexless marriage.
I have been married 22 years and have two children. My husband has never been interested in sex. I NEVER thought there were men out there like that. I was always the aggressor and he would go along with it. But just a few years into the marriage we would do half ass back rubs to get in the mood and he would willing have no enthusiasm and fall asleep. He is a great guy and other than no sex (I have a tremendous sex drive) he is perfect. A great father, cook, caring to many people, but no sex. He now has gotten very heavy and unhealthy. He is still a handsome man but I am repulsed by his body now. This has led me to looking else ware. That has been phenomenal!!! But he and I are working on breaking it off (he has family too). Can I go the rest of my life without sex? I don't want to be all alone in my old age but can I live the my future years with a roommate and be happy?
magical spells really work!! I never thought there were still honest, genuine, trustworthy and very powerful spell casters until i met the spiritual helper, MERUJA OWO. last week he did a love spell for me and it worked effectively and now he just casted another healing spell for my friend who has fibroid and family problem and now she is totally free and she is presently the happiest person on earth, she keeps thanking me all day..
I just thought it would be good to tell the whole world about his good work and how genuine he is, i wasn't thinking i could get any help because of my past experiences with other fake casters who could not bring my husband back to me and they all promised heaven and earth and all they are able to do is ask for more money all the time until i met with this man. he does all spells, Love spells, money spells, lottery spells e.t.c i wish i can save every one who is in those casters trap right now because i went though hell thinking and hoping they could help me.i recommend MERUJA OWO for any kind of help you want.
his email address is: nativedoctor101@live.com
if you want to ask me anything my e-mail is: jannet_madeson@yahoo.com
Kind Regards,
I am almost speechless as to your reply regarding this man who casts spells. If we have to go that far to get a man to do what we want then it really isn't worth it. There is something very negative and dark about a spell caster, it just reminds me of witches and satan and stuff, he is calling upon someone in the process of casting these spells and don't you care who it is? Unless you are just talking about potions or something. I don't know but it doesn't really address this woman's problems. We all can't go around finding people to cast spells for us because our mate is not doing what we want. Jesus.
Well I was having the same problem with my husband and I googled reasons why and found this page....and in reading the comments by the only men on this page should gives the real answer....guess men are wired to just get sick of us...sexually......but I have one question about that thinking....why do my girlfriends talk about their husbands "wanting it" all the time? This is after years and years of marriage....is it only some men that are repulsed but their wives sexually as these men are? I guesss what I asking is.... men are there some men that are exceptions to the rule? Do we as women have any hope of having unfailing love and intimacy? Or is it really just all an illusion....and this is why divorce rates and infidelity are so high....and men are just afraid to tell us the truth....
Some men need the excitement of a new sex partner in order to get enough sexual desire for erection and ejaculation. This men have low desire naturally so it takes more to get them turned on. Sex with the same partner over and over starts out ok but after awhile they can no longer feel any sexual desire for her.
These men probably should never marry. But they want kids and a family just like anyone else so they end up trapping themselves and their spouse in a sexless marriage.
If they want to stay married (because of kids) they don't actively go out and pursue new sexual partners and endanger the marriage. Many turn to porn and masturbation which gives then all the sexual variety they want and gives them the high level of sexual desire they need to function sexually.
These men can separate sex and love very easily so they may indeed feel strongly for their wives but simply do not see them as sexual objects and have no sexual desire for them. And, unlike women, men without desire can not perform sexually, its impossible and all the Viagra in the world will not give him an erection if he has no desire. And since for men, sex without erection or desire is very stressful and unpleasant, these men almost always refuse to give their wives any kind of oral or manual "mercy sex"
I guess some men are like that and some aren't, I also think age has something to do with it and the integrity of the man. As time goes by he starts having problems and it goes on from there, I am living this right now and mine doesn't want to talk about it and won't admit to anything but goes around acting like everything is fine. The men feel complacent after being with a woman for awhile. If they think we really do love them then they feel that no matter what they do or do not do will be okay because we love them. Some men are also like that. I know a man whose wife has stopped having sex with him and so it isn't just women.
Sometimes husbands lose interest if the wife has gained weight or there are financial problems and then he isn't interested in sex because he isn't attracted to her anymore or he's worried so much about his job or finances that the last thing he's thinking about is sex. If a woman is needy then chances are she will stay with him and accept whatever he dishes out, and then there are women who are strong and decide to stay because she really does love him and doesn't want to give up. That's the type of woman I am, the latter, but eventually I will have to make a decision because while another woman might be ok with never having sex again; I am not and its already been over a year.
If the man won't seek help or even try, there isn't much to be done to fix it. You can try to entice him and try to instigate sex but you won't know the outcome. I don't do this because I am not going to be rejected on top of everything else., You can tell when your man isn't interested and walking out in front of him naked isn't going to change that, if he truly isn't interested in sex. You have to remember that most of the time it isn't you; you aren't the problem. Its something else unrelated to you.
Something he's thinking about, maybe he is worried about money or maybe he's gained weight and is embarrassed to be with you or he just has something else on his mind, who knows? I went thru all those headtrips. But since I haven't gained any weight since we moved in together and because men still think i'm pretty and sexy, I had to rule that out. So its him. You can't do anything if a man doesn't even admit he has a problem. Yelling and him or complaining isn't going to help and just makes him feel worse, if its a physical problem. I thought this only happened to older men but apparently I was very wrong.
My man is 64 but even at 60 he was more passionate than a younger man and he amazed me and then suddenly we aren't having sex anymore of even sleeping together and I was pissed off and ready to leave, but when you have time invested into a relationship its harder to just leave and start over and there is no guarantee you will find someone else to love. There is also no guarantee that things will change and in that case you might be better off free than dealing with this day in and day out.
When I realized it had been a year since we'd had sex I went on many blogs and threads to find out if anyone else had this problem and there were many women, some who hadn't had sex in 20 years. After talking to other people I started to feel better and stronger and so I am still here and we get along great but nothing has changed as far as the bedroom goes. He loves me and hugs me and kisses me every once in awhile and I still love him and so I just decided to give it some time and not be hasty.
There are some women who have men you love them dearly and make love to them only and don't cheat on them and there are other women who are happy for awhile and then the man starts changing or having an affair or whatever but if a man is honest and decent he will not have an affair, but tell his spouse how he feels. Women have affairs too and I thought of this but I am not ready to lower my standards for myself just because my man won't have sex with me. I can't really say what's going to happen. Maybe I will reach the end of my patience and say so long. Maybe I will finally get angry and tell him I can't live the rest of my life without being touched; but one thing I will not do and that is settle for this kind of existence, to spend the rest of my life being someone's roommate and nothing more.
I have a similar situation but my man was passionate and loved to make love to me and he was great and then all of a sudden he seems to have no interest. He tells me he loves me and that we will be together forever but his actions speak differently. I have tried putting on something sexy as well, and he used to love it, but nothing comes of it. He doesn't reject me, but makes excuses. I am the same as I always was physically and other men find me very attractive, even his friends. I understand how you feel, it is very frustrating and I have come to the conclusion that there are only two choices; stay and just deal with it and hope he comes around, or leave and find someone who will truly love you.
I'm not telling you anything I have not experienced myself and I have to make this decision too. We get along and he is nice to me and I think he loves me and if it is a physical problem then I can't be mad at him and i'm not. But because he doesn't tell me the real reason, I am left with doubt. I know it isn't me but he's hiding something and this is unfair. He should at least try, and so should your husband, but I think its worse to have all the passion you could ever want and then have it take away with no explanation. Now this is just the way it is and there are no more excuses from him. He thinks I will just live this way because I love him. Sometimes I don't think he knows me at all. I don't have to live this way and neither do you. Even so; it is very hard to make the decision to leave, especially if you have good memories, but at some point you, and I, have to think of ourselves and what it will be like for us five years down the road.
Most men don't want to hurt their wives' feelings so we come up with all kinds of excuses why we don't want to have sex. I've been married now for over 8 years and she is my best friend and I hope to be with her the rest of my life. However, I'm just no longer sexually attracted to her. There's no sexual dysfunction, just no interest on my part. This is probably where men and women differ. Society says we should be sexually attracted to our wives, but my sex drive says different (and biology always wins). This is not uncommon, my personal feeling is that 'marriage' is probably the biggest turn-off for men (sexually) that has ever been invented. But men like me have no choice in this matter, if you want to stay with the woman you love, you have to marry. I have no regrets, but I know that it's not fair on her. My advice to men out there, give your woman head jobs, less work involved and usually keeps my wife from making too many demands. And every now and then you have to do it, otherwise you're going to hurt her ego.
So, I'm going to guess you use porn then? For your sex life? Usually men can't go without it. I'm going to say one thing regarding that..... check out what it does to your attraction to your wife.
If you no longer desire your wife, allow her to find a f**k buddy who DOES. Every woman deserves to feel wanted, desired, etc. She can probably sense your lack of attraction. No offense but if she cheats on you, you sort of had it coming.
I'm sorry to have to say it but I recommend infidelity (be VERY discreet). Make sure you pick someone who, while the sex is good, you aren't in any danger of becoming all that attracted or attached to so it remains strictly physical. Your mood will improve and the pheromones from the extra sex alone will make your man want to do you more often.
First, being diplomatic is not my strong point so forgive me if I'm too rough...Your situation is pretty simple. He is bored of you. At first he thought you were amazing - that he didn't deserve someone like you. And then finally he had you. Now that he really knows you, he is disappointed in himself for getting involved with you. He questions everything he did in his life because of you. All the mistakes, even the small ones grow into ulcers in his soul. But now you have him hooked with that wedding ring and he will look like a jerk if he divorces you. He is a nice guy, right? Maybe he married you because you subtly forced him to and he can't stand that he fell for it. It just makes him sad and sick to see you naked and try so hard - he feels disgusted both with you and himself and worries you think he is gay or having an affair. In fact, he is filled with regret and self-loathing, maybe the anti-depressants will snap him out of it. The reason he is moody is he wants you to go away but also wants you to stay - he doesn't want the relationship to end as a 'failure'. He is torn between the need for freedom and the guilt associated with getting it back. Its complicated - guys are a lot more complicated than women think we are. How do I know all this? I (and my wife) have gone through it. I'm still married. We have sex maybe once a year if she's really complaining. I actually enjoy not giving her sex. Yeah, I know I'm a bad person in a lot of respects but I don't care. She doesn't deserve me and I used to be one of those 'nice' guys. You know them.. I used to volunteer with the elderly, food drives, fear of god, MBA, take care of my parents (and her's - I get along famously with her mom and dad), great with kids, likes museums and passionate sex. I have a better than average job and we both drive better than average cars. I've never sworn at her, or yelled at her or even said no to anything she wants (except sex). She wants a diamond ring, bang there you go. Wants a trip to Italy, NYC, London, Geneva? bang there you go. Go to a 5 star hotel, have a big house, have a maid, anything else? She gets it. I can't say no. I used to try but then she would get mad and think I was being mean to her. Withholding sex is the only thing I can control or even have input into so that's what I do. Like the song says... "she ain't pretty, she just looks that way". Of course, most people would say stop being a jerk - just divorce her, let her find someone else. Funny thing is I feel responsible for her. I don't want her to be alone and I know she can't do it. Plus I don't want to look pathetic. Family will say, why did you divorce her? You guys looked so good together. They'll think I was caught cheating (which I have NEVER done) or some stupid thing. I can't quite say she's so spoiled - that sounds pretty stupid. Anyway, enough of this. In summary: I know I'm bad; I don't really care; My wife gets everything she wants (except sex); I won't get divorced. She's boring and I hate myself everyday for being with her.
I just read some research about woman in relationships where the men withheld sex. The study showed that one third of woman had other relationships with men on the side or at least o one nite stand. The other third of woman were contemplating and thinking of having an affair and the other third of woman were just suffering through their marriage and miserable in it. I wonder which third of woman your wife would fall into if surveyed? You know, it sounds like you have mental impotence :( you should google it...
You are a little messed up aren't you? Why are you even with this woman? Not all women have to force men to marry them and most men marry women because they love them and want to spend the rest of their life with them and it is not normal for a man to want a woman at first and then not stand the sight of her. What do you care what people think about you? You should be caring about what your wife will think of you. Buying her things and saying yes all the time to material things isn't really making her happy or you happy.
Maybe you're afraid to leave her because you don't think another woman would put up with what you've made her put up with? You are being unfair. Let her go because if you tell her you can't stand the sight of her, that will hurt her and I think you like being in the position of hurting her and maybe other women as well. She is trying to please you and you need to let her find someone who is worthy of her, and that is certainly not you.
Wow. You are a seriously damaged human when it comes to relationships??!! You pride yourself on providing your wife with material things, yet withold the thing that she may really desire (ie intimacy with her spouse). You seem to see yourself as a good husband because of what you can provide for your wife. In reality, you are a nasty shitbag for keeping her in a marriage that you clearly abhor. You ARE pathetic. You use sex to control, humiliate, and demean your wife. I bet she hates you as much as you hate her.
You go, girl! My thoughts exactly as I have already responded to this sad man's statement. Perhaps it makes him feel better to tell everyone that she is trying so hard for him and he rejects her. How do men get to be like this? I might have problems in my relationship, but at least I don't have a man who is cruel and I hope I never have a man who thinks about me as this one does. I'd dump his ass so quick his head wouldn't have time to spin!
You go, girl! My thoughts exactly as I have already responded to this sad man's statement. Perhaps it makes him feel better to tell everyone that she is trying so hard for him and he rejects her. How do men get to be like this? I might have problems in my relationship, but at least I don't have a man who is cruel and I hope I never have a man who thinks about me as this one does. I'd dump his ass so quick his head wouldn't have time to spin!
You go, girl! My thoughts exactly as I have already responded to this sad man's statement. Perhaps it makes him feel better to tell everyone that she is trying so hard for him and he rejects her. How do men get to be like this? I might have problems in my relationship, but at least I don't have a man who is cruel and I hope I never have a man who thinks about me as this one does. I'd dump his ass so quick his head wouldn't have time to spin!
No he's not seriously "deranged." He's just being honest. Maybe that's something the men in your life don't do with you because you judge them too quickly.
That isn't honest, that's cruel, and if he really feels like that then he should leave. Why would a man stay in a relationship where he can't stand the sight of his wife? I think he has no integrity and certainly no measure of decency. And how do you know what the men in her life do, the poster you are responding to, you know nothing about her life or how she judges men. I tell you what; my man is starting to look better and better all the time!
Girl I feel your pain. We have been married for 5 years. I am 42 he is 47. He used to ROCK my world, made me addicted to him. We met, got married, still he rocked my world, I meet his parents...the magic just literally died over night. Since then it is maybe once every 2 or 3 months. He says it is him not me. I have satisfied myself for the last 4 years. I sent him an email the other day to tell him how I felt. We went to the bahamas for our 5 yr anniversary. 2 days after our anniversary he f*@#$*d me, not made love to me. It was a wham bam kinda thing. After we got married his ex kept calling him. He also saved email pics from her, nasty ones. March of this year, his soon to be ex sis inlaw, which he had really not talked to her in 10 yrs starts contacting him. Now they are texting, calling, and sending pics, and amazing he starts deleteing his cell info. But I got verizon cell records. They only talked and texted after I went to bed, or he was gone. By the way, she lives at least 15 hrs away.Omg the pics sent back and forth. I could not see them, but there were like 8 pages of them from one day, over 180 of them from 9pm to 1am the next morning. He said she just wanted to talk and bitch about his bro. That they talked about the kids etc. I did see a pic she sent him of herself, her looking away with the phone facing down to see cleavage. He said it was to show how bad she looked from the stress. could not really see her face. About a month agao his ex from 20 yrs started facebooking him. I also saw the pics she sent him, provocotive. I got ahold of his cel and sent her a text..."Could you send me so more pics"? that was it. she sends a pic of her and her bra, then her tits, then her down below where I could see her tonsils. I called her, she said THEY were joking around. I came unglued. She was ugly, so were the other ho's. Oh, she also sent him a video of her masterbating. He tells me he didn't ask for those pics or videos, they did it on their own. He told them to stop, but they didn't. Not his fault. So tell me people what prob do I have. Now back to topic, I want sex, but don't get it. He tells me to quit trying and let him come to me. HUH?! I am not ugly, but average. He says I am beautiful, and could not ask for more. He tells me that all the time. But the old saying "Actions speak louder than words". By the way i have tried everything under the sun also to get his attention. NADA!!!
P.S. I met his parents a month after we married.
i posted below a few months ago, so you can read my story/background.
i have to tell you that i personally consider what you described he is doing to be cheating. if this were reversed, i bet he would too! i think talking intimately with people outside your marriage, even without physical contact is a type of cheating. especially if they are getting attention that you aren't. if you were emotionally satisfied, friends with these women, and it was done in front of you, then it might be a little different. but if someone hides behavior, it means they know there is something wrong with it. if he found pictures of naked men that you were talking to on your phone, what do you think his reaction would be?
now, everyone makes mistakes, and we are all human. if this was a one time thing, it would be different, wrong, but different. but this has been going on for quite sometime.
its possible that his lack of interest my stem from feelings of guilt. some people try to "make up for" feeling guilty.....but other people deal with guilt in the opposite way: by pushing away the person they feel guilty towards. instead of ending the behavior that causes guilt or doing nice things to balance it, they create distance from the person they feel guilty toward in order to avoid feeling guilt and they use the distance/tension they created to justify their continued actions.
ps. i cant find a way to contact you personally on here, i wanted to offer to email with you about this, maybe i can help you sort things out. i dont want to post my email here before i know if you are interested in talking. read my 2 other posts, and if you are interested in emailing with me reply to one of them and we will figure out how to do that.
I'm sorry for all you lovely ladies that are dealing with this problem...I hope you all get what you need and deserve :)
Being a man, and knowing a lot of guys I can say some of this might be stemming from emotional or psychological problems, such as depression or stress.
Or he may be falling out of love...thinking of someone else...I have seen it happen to couples I thought were solid, strong couples. It is sad and can be very painful but ladies just know you do deserve love and respect...oh...and sex too :) If your relationship is doomed to fail for whatever reason there will be a great guy out there waiting for you!! Good luck to all of you!
Thank you so much for your comments. It is sad but it doesn't have to be the end of the road. Its just so hard when you still care about someone. What are you supposed to say? I'm leaving you because you don't make love to me anymore? I can't tell if its physical or mental or maybe both, all I know is that I was so happy and now I feel insulted because he can't even tell me how he feels. I have tried to talk to him but he just makes excuses and he doesn't wish to discuss it. All of us ladies have to think about whether it can change or not. I just don't want to be in this same situation five years from now. I've tried and its impossible for me to live the rest of my life without sex. There is still love here, on both sides and I know he is not cheating. He's always here or volunteering up at the canyon. He's retired. There are many things I like about him, but there are also things that tear my world apart where he is concerned. This doesn't seem normal and if it were reversed I would do whatever I had to so he wouldn't be unhappy.
I feel the same, I'm 26 married to a man who is 40 next year. When we first got together sex was great..adventures. I mean we would go anywhere, it was fun! 2 kids later and 8 years down the line he's 'tired' he sleeps on the sofa about 4 days out of 7. I wouldn't mind but men find me very attractive. 5ft, mixed race. I am hot and I can't let how he feels to get to me. I want to be wined and dined still. For him to jump on me after watchin porn. I dnt get it men have needs too right. Don't know what to do. Try tellin him and he says I nag..its gettin ridiculous. Shall I leave this relationship? I dnt want to but why should I go without. We dnt do much, oits not a lot to ask