6. Skip the foreplay and go straight for the gusto. In the fast paced world we live in, who really has the time to slowly build up to great sex? It simply takes too much work to bother with all that extra stuff. Stop wasting time and get right to the intercourse. Besides, you both have to work in the morning and need your sleep.
7. Keep your clothes on during sex. There really is little need to get completely naked during sex. It simply adds more work afterwards because you have to get dressed again.
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8. Criticize your spouse’s sexual performance. I think it’s called tough love. How else is your spouse supposed to know the areas they need to improve? If they are going to keep up with your abilities in bed they need to know where they suck (oh wait, encouraging them where and what to focus on would improve things, so disregard this point).
9. Criticize their physical appearance. As your partner ages and perhaps lets themselves go, be sure to inform them how much that turns you off. This will encourage them to do something about it, which only helps both of you in the long run.
10. Have sex with the TV on. You want to be sure that you don’t let sex get in the way of your favorite shows. Keep the TV on the entire time, that way you can watch the latest American Idol’s hopes get crushed while celebrating the love and affection you share with your spouse. What a winning combination!
11. Answer the phone during sex. You never know if the call may be important, and you really can’t trust voicemail. The same rule applies for text messages and emails. Reply to them ASAP, after all, you don’t need to use your hands during sex, might as well send a few texts.
12. Tweet about it before, during, and after. In our social media saturated world, be sure to let everyone else know what’s going on with your sex life. After all, if something happens to you and you don’t Tweet it or update it via your status on Facebook – did it really happen?
13. Get sex over with as fast as possible – as long as you’re satisfied. Sex is really all about you. No need to ask your partner if there’s anything you could do for them. Assume everything is fine unless they say something.
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14. Get away as fast as possible once you’re finished. The sooner you’re done, the sooner you’ll be able to get some sleep. Save the talking till tomorrow at breakfast. And no need to cuddle or touch each other, refer back to rule 5.