What to Do When He's Not "In Love" With You

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What to Do When He's Not "In Love" With You

*********************************************************************************************** DRAMA OF THE WEEK: He Loves Me But He's Not "IN LOVE" With Me ***********************************************************************************************

"Dear Paige, What does it mean when he says that he Loves You but he's not "In Love" with you? When he calls every day but says he doesn't want a relationship? When he tells you that you are an extremely important person to him but never makes time to spend with you?

Does it just all mean that you're an idiot to actually believe him?" -Vanessa

Hi Vanessa, Of course you're not an idiot.

However, you ARE setting yourself up or pain and disappointment if you don't see your man's words and actions for what they are: His escape plan. But give yourself some credit here...your intuition is right on. In your heart, you know this to be true. If you truly took everything he said at face value, you wouldn't have written to me.

So I know this will be painful, but let's face the truth right now (we'll do it together). Like ripping off a Band-Aid, it will hurt less if you do it quickly. We've already discussed your first question in the beginning of today's dish: "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you" means that he's breaking up with you. I'm sure he does care about you a great deal, but it doesn't mean that there's hope to mend your relationship. You'll be much better off if you come to terms with the fact that it's over.

As I mentioned a moment ago, although you don't have control over what he says, you DO have control over what YOU DO. You say that "he calls every day but says he doesn't want a relationship."Although the saying goes that "actions speak louder than words," regardless of the fact that he's calling you, it just doesn't get any louder or clearer than "I don't want a relationship."

If YOU want a relationship, then YOU have a choice. Do NOT take his phone calls. I know it's tough because you miss him, but staying in contact with him will not change his mind and make him want to get back together.

Here are some reasons why he might be calling (all are selfish, btw):

* He wants the option of hooking up with you when he feels like it (No thank you! Sex with your ex will only confuse you, hurt you, and keep you from healing your heart and moving on to someone who actually DOES want a relationship.)
* He misses you and still wants to be able to talk to you (Sorry, pal...Your amazing conversation skills are reserved for the lucky guy you're in a RELATIONSHIP with!)
* He wants to date other people but keep in touch with you in case he realizes that he made a mistake and wants you back. (No way! He had his chance with you and if he wasn't sure, well, too bad! You're nobody's second choice.)

So cut him off now and start focusing on taking care of YOU. And to address your last question about the fact that he says you're an important person in his life but never spends any time with you, well, Vanessa... let me turn this around and ask you: When someone is an important person in your life, you want to spend as much time as possible with them, right? Even if you're busy with work or school or other obligations, you MAKE time to see them, don't you?

Well I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds to me like this guy is just blowing smoke. My best advice is to STOP focusing on him -- what he's thinking, what he really wants, what his actions mean -- and begin to put the focus where it belongs: on YOU.

* YOU DO deserve everything you want out of a relationship.
* YOU DO NOT have to settle for scraps from a man who is incapable of spending time with you and committing to you exclusively. - AND -
* If you are willing to do some challenging work to look within yourself to learn the lessons from your breakup...
* ...YOU WILL heal your heart, have the strength to move on, AND build a real relationship with a wonderful man who is completely, utterly IN LOVE with YOU!

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