Over the years I've developed Ten Tips to Fight Fair with Your Partner, you'll find more in my book Spirit Thinking, but here are the basics:
Tip One: Set the field for discussion. Anytime something comes up that needs to be discussed sat a time, place and cut off time to "discuss". Remember, to cut off at the off time.
Tip Two: Painful honesty. Tell it just like you feel it and get it all out. Holding back is just setting yourself up for more problems down the road. If you've got to write it down, that's fine.
Tip Three: Be sure you are safe. Sometimes loud talking can lead to physical violence. If you're not sure, then, trust me, you're not safe.
Tip Four: No fair bringing up things from the past the have been put to rest.
Tip Five: Remember there is no such thing as "never" or "always". There is "many times" and "often" but absolutes will get you no where.
Tip Six: Try using the word "and" instead of the word "but" and see if that helps things. Many people use the word "but" to say "now I'm going to tell you the truth".
Tip Seven: Cool off if you need to do so before talking. Take a day or two. Be respectful of your partner. If he or she needs a little space - that's okayl
Tip Eight: Consider getting someone who is a neutral party. A really neutral party. They can help take a perspective you might not have been able to see before.
Tip Nine: Restate. Restate. Restate. Parrot what you are hearing your partner say and see if you are both seeing it the same way. Chances are, there is some focus on the wrong things.
Tip Ten: If you're not done at cutoff time, then it's time to put it up and back on the shelf until the next day. Do not go to bed angry. If you have to sleep in the front room, then you haven't really but it to bed.
Hope these help,.
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