What do you fantasize about? Some of us fantasize about past sexual experiences, those extra hot encounters that go beyond our wildest expectations and fuel desire for more. Other fantasies are about what we would like to experience - a particular person, a celebrity, or a kind of sex that we desire and long for. Fantasy can run the gamut from simple pleasures to elaborate scenarios, can be mild or wild, based on experiences we want to have or those we would never even consider enacting. Fantasy is just that - the magical place in your mind where everything and anything is possible. Noticing the fabric of your fantasies can give you important information about your own arousal. You can choose to make some of your fantasies come true, or leave them as fantasy only pleasures, private worlds of pleasure in your mind.
The internet has given rise to ever more narrow subcultures, so more people are finding niche communities where their passion for narrow fantasies can be shared and validated. Yet in our everyday sex lives, most people have a mainstreaming instinct towards - in the quest to be "normal" we forget to pay attention to the specific nuances of our own unique sexual turn-ons and desires. Meanwhile, many of us sneak around in order to seek out community in the many sexual sub-cultures to be found online.
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If you have interests that stray from the mainstream and are keeping these desires private, we encourage you to find ways to begin talking to your lover about your interests. You can begin by phrasing them as fantasy - "Sometimes I find myself thinking about ________ get pretty hot. Is there anything you fantasize about?" This discussion doesn't mean you want to act on these fantasies - you are simply trusting your partner to tell them what goes through your head sometimes. If there are things you do want to try out, go slowly and see if you can bring small elements of your fantasy into the sex you already enjoy. Test the waters and see if it feels good for both of you.
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Of course, you know your relationship best, and there are situations when fantasies may want to stay private, and that is ok. But, as much as possible within your relationship, escaping shame, fear and guilt will go a long way towards allowing you to feel more pleasure.
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