There has been a plethora (fine, an abundance) of conjecture and coverage regarding David Duchovny [1] checking himself into rehab for a sex addiction. His rumored sexy vice is the interweb porn. (Though recent rumors suggest that he checked into a rehab to head off speculation that he was getting frisky on the low low with assistants and a tennis coach). From there my homies, Em & Lo [2], asked if masturbation was the new infidelity (and my YourTango bud, Jessica Wakeman [3], explored this over in our LoveBuzz too). The first answer is, of course, a resounding "nah, son."
But then you think about it a little bit. What is cheating? Obviously, it depends couple to couple but I think it’s best said that anything of an interpersonal nature that you’d be ashamed for your partner to find out about. More accurately, anything that your opposite number would be justifiably bent about if they discovered. Sure, there are sociopaths that really could care less what their girlfs (or boyf, for there are plenty of female and gay sociopods) thought about their on-the-side adventures, but they don't count for the purpose of this conversation. Same goes for some religious types [4] who think all onanism [5] is wrong wrong wrong.
One of my favorite columnists, Esquire [6]'s Chuck Klosterman, once mentioned a "hypothetical" in which a drunk guy is confronted with his equally tipsy lady neighbor. They're on friendly terms, and she asks him to do her a solid involving watching her jill off. It turns out the only way for her to orgasm is to have a fella watch her service herself. Cheating? It's grey, right? Would dude's girlf be ripping out the other broad's blond extensions if she found out about this? Affirmative.
OK, so sometimes masturbating is cheating. It's only cheating, though, if it gets in the way of real relationship stuff, probably. If a dude, the Palmer girls, and sweet18.com are involved in a thrice-daily ménage that precludes actual intercourse/outercourse, then he's basically cheating. But rubbing one out after a stressful day at the office, during a dry spell, or to fill a hot minute of solitude is not out-of-line.
What, then, is the word with the vibrator or the far more man-frightening dildo [7]? Yeah, two consenting adults can certainly plug or massage any orifice they choose to with whatever sex toys [8] they see fit. But what happens when that nuclear-powered, polyvinyl-coated pocket rocket pushes sex to the backseat? Is date night with the silver bullet (not drinking Coors Light, that would be gross) sort of cheating?
While we'll probably never know what's up with David Duchovny's addictions or predilections (though someone should have guessed from his involvement with Red Shoe Diaries and Californication), his situation has really effed some things up for dudes. Guys won't ever get the benefit of the doubt again when someone walks in on them using the computer and hears them say, "oh my God, this isn't what it looks like," even if they're just blogging about Star Wars (not the sci-fi story but the Strategic Defense Initiative). Meanwhile, my friend Emma just updated her Facebook [9] with plans to beat it to Gillian Anderson tonight. That sounds about right.
Hey if you're in the New York Area and want to see me get grilled by Liz Tuccillo [10] (co-author of He's Just Not That Into You), hit up the 92nd Street Y [11] (in Tribeca) at 8 PM tonight (October 23rd).
Because we love things that are hilarious, check out the video for "David Duchovny Why Won't You Love Me?" from Bree Sharp (not his wang). Sorry about the video quality, pick up your game YouTubers.