You know that couple—the one that checks each other’s email, answers each other’s cell phones, and formulates opinions as a pair ("We're so over Will Ferrell!"). Maybe—horror of horrors!—you've even been in that relationship. Regardless, it's important to find a balance between independence and intimacy [1]. That’s why we asked Jane Adams, Ph.D., author of Boundary Issues: Using Boundary Intelligence to Get the Intimacy You Want and the Independence You Need in Life, Love, and Work, to explain why fences can sometimes make good neighbors.
Why do we create boundaries in romantic relationships?
We create them because of this tension we're all born with—the dichotomy between a need for an intimate connection and a need for autonomy and independence. In a romantic relationship, that early, very basic human need for union—an artifact of the relationship with our mothers—is reactivated.
What are healthy boundaries? Unhealthy ones?
In a romantic relationship, it's that moment of union—when we let down the barrier between ourselves and others—that is considered healthy. On the other hand, we can't live in that unguarded way all the time because we lose our wholeness, and then we’re only whole in the presence of the other.
How do boundary styles vary with gender and age [2]?
All the research shows that women have thinner or more permeable boundaries overall than men do. Also, boundaries tend to get thicker as we get older. The boundaries between impulse and action are missing in children. As adults, we learn to think about our impulses and make decisions about whether we’re going to act on them or not.
How important is it to have matching boundaries in a relationship?
It's not that important—although the most adaptive position is if both of you have moderately permeable boundaries. What is important is to understand how your boundaries differ from your partner's.
Do you have an example of how this can play out in a romantic relationship?
Sure—take Patty and Greg. Greg's boundary style is more permeable and less flexible than Patty's. So when she's wrapped up in a work project, he feels shut out and even threatened. That’s when he picks fights about money, her housekeeping, and the in-laws. But the conflict isn't about those things; it's about him feeling distanced by her. She's learned to head off those conflicts by reassuring him of her love—she'll put notes in his briefcase or send him flowers at work.
Do people carry their boundary behavior from relationship to relationship?
I think they do. You find women who say they’re never going to open up to somebody and get hurt that way again, and they go right into the next relationship and do the same thing. Unless there's awareness, boundaries tend to stay the same.
How can couples work towards healthy boundaries?
Relationships need breathing space. It's OK to have moments when you feel very close to your partner and moments when you don't. It could be a period in your lives when other things are taking precedence, like a job or kids. Boundaries shift and change, so intimacy is only moments in a relationship.
What is most important for couples to know when discussing boundaries?
Flexibility is key—it allows couples to open or close the shutters as the circumstances warrant.
TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT?
Answer 1 for always, 2 for sometimes, 3 for never.
1. Do you go into your partner’s purse or wallet?
2. Do you use your partner's possessions without asking?
3. Do you leave the door open when using the bathroom?
4. Do you make plans for both of you without consulting your partner?
5. Do you discuss your relationship with other people?
6. Do you disclose information about your partner to outsiders?
7. Do you tell your partner what not to eat, wear, and do?
8. Do you criticize your partner's appearance?
9. Do you restrict or are you jealous of your partner's friendships with other men?
10. Do you restrict or are you jealous of your partner's friendships with other women?
11. Do you criticize your partner's family?
12. Do you make reproductive or contraceptive decisions alone?
13. Do you read your partner's mail or email?
14. Do you make important personal or relationship decisions unilaterally?
15. Do you label, explain or deride your partner's feelings to him or her?
16. Do you speak in the "Royal We?"
17. Do you get so involved in your partner’'s problems that you lose sight of your own feelings?
18. Does how your partner feels about you affect how you feel about yourself?
19. Do you think about your partner's problems even when they have nothing to do with you or you’re not together?
20. When your partner is mad at someone, do you get angry with him or her, too?
SCORING KEY:
20-30
More Connected Than Separate
Your relationship boundaries are highly permeable; you tend to lose yourself in your partner and may have difficulty distinguishing your needs and feelings. While some things may not seem like boundary invasions to you (e.g., the open bathroom door policy), your partner may feel differently, so it's worth checking out his or her views on these subjects. The danger in this much permeability is that if you and your partner don't see things the same way, you may not feel whole. When you don’t have your relationship, but you are it, you depend on your partner's love and approval to maintain your emotional equilibrium.
31-50
Both Connected and Separate
Your relationship boundaries are moderately permeable, which is the most adaptive position in an intimate relationship. There is enough togetherness to maintain a couple bond, but not so much that it stifles individuality. Again, some of these areas may or may not feel like "emotional trespassing" to either or both of you, but just to make sure you’re on the same page, ask your partner to take the quiz, too, and compare results.
50-60
More Separate Than Connected
Your relationship boundaries are low in permeability, which isn't always a bad thing, especially when both partners prefer it that way. This is a relationship pattern more typical of older couples, where each individual has had a number of years to develop singular, personal habits and ways of maintaining his or her "selfness." But be careful: putting too much space between you two can stifle intimacy or indicate a lack of trust in the other person.