Here's the thing about money: we're barraged with messages about it.

For many, it's forefront in our minds. But few, if any of us, actually discuss it, even with our closest friends. Think about it.

You can probably recite, in exquisite detail, the minutiae of your best friend's last fling; you can most likely wax poetic on her chocolate obsession (not to mention her waxing obsession!).

But do you know how much she earns? Or how much she pays in rent? Or whether there's a sizable inheritance with her name on it?

Probably not. And if statistics tell the truth, it's probably no different with your partner. Think back to when your relationship began.

Chances are, you explored your feelings about children, debated the benefits of the suburbs versus the city, and figured out whether your sleeping habits jive with his.

But did you ask if he has a 401K or a big portfolio? (Or any portfolio, for that matter?) Does he think children should pay for their own education, or does he believe parents should help out? In short, are you financially compatible?

"There are a whole bunch of other things to worry about in a marriage, and you don't want money to be one of them," says Lynette Khalfani, author of The Money Coach's Guide to Your First Million. "You really want to avoid the morning after surprise: 'I had no idea you owed $35,000 worth of credit card bills!' Or, 'I knew you went to Stanford, but I had no clue you had $75,000 in loans!' It's good to know if you want the same things, or if you like the same colors—but what about your thoughts on saving and spending and investing?"

Khalfani and other experts maintain that the best way to determine if you're fiscally in sync is to—gasp!—sit right down and ask questions [1].

Of course, in a culture that's more comfortable discussing egg freezing than nest eggs, that's much easier said than done. But look at it this way: though talking about finances can take some of the romance out of a relationship, divorce is even worse.

Dewar MacLeod and Deirdre Day-MacLeod, for example, have completely different takes on money. Dewar, a 45-year-old history professor and documentary filmmaker, was brought up in Beverly Hills, CA; Deidre, a 46-year-old writer, grew up in a less ritzy home in Rochester, NY.

The couple has been married for 16 years and has two children. But they never talked about finances before they got married, and their opposing attitudes have taken a toll on the relationship.

"He has the tastes of a rich boy [2] no matter how little we have," Deirdre says. "I don't trust him to spend wisely, and he thinks I'm shortsighted. Dewar never used to pay anything on time. A while back, we declared bankruptcy, after years of having him at the helm. Now I'm in charge, and I don't even tell him how much we have."

In an ideal world, Khalfani says, the couple would have discussed the important financial questions before they married, so they wouldn't have been blindsided after the fact.

A few examples: How many credit cards do you have? How much do you owe on each one? Do you have any major financial responsibilities, like a parent or child you're supporting, or an outstanding medical bill? What's your credit rating?

"Hands down, I want to see their credit report," Khalfani says. "It's golden, that number. It's to your financial life what the SAT is to a college student."

It's also beneficial to figure out if your financial style matches your partner's. Is he a saver or a spender? Does he stash money, splurge relentlessly, set viable financial goals, or expect to hit it big in the lottery? And what about record-keeping? Is he super-compulsive or more relaxed?

"You can't really change someone's money personality, but both parties can try to understand the root of it," Khalfani says. "Some people have been through troubled childhoods, so financial security is important. A little understanding goes a long way to make sure you're on the same page financially."

Other important questions to consider are how you feel about sharing expenses [3], whether you want to have separate bank accounts, and who will be responsible for specific bills. Virginia and Cristian Dobles made it a point to address these issues before they walked down the aisle two years ago.

"We decided that I would pay for food, cable, insurance, laundry, a cleaning service, and kick in a certain amount of money to the joint account a month," says Virginia, 50, a production manager at a Manhattan advertising agency. "Cristian pays for most of the rent, the cell phones, gas for the car, and when his kids come he pays for their stuff. I still have my own account for other things. I never wanted to be one of those couples who fight about money."

Kerri Kimball, a representative for the financial firm Strategies for Wealth Creation & Protection, advises couples to have three accounts—his, hers, and theirs. That way, if you want to spend your money on $500 hair extensions, he can't say anything. Having separate accounts "takes the emotion out of financial decisions," she says.

Of course, sometimes you think you're asking all the right questions and you discover—to your dismay—that you weren't even in the ballpark.

That's what happened to Monica Schiller, 34, a public relations executive from Los Angeles. She thought she knew all about her husband Ken's money habits—they were together for five years before they married.

But two weeks post-nuptials, she learned that he hadn't paid his taxes in three years. Nor, contrary to her belief, did he have any savings, even though he raked in $250,000 a year.

"I freaked out," says Schiller. "Money is really important to me—I want to be able to put my kid through school, or go to Hawaii for vacation and not feel strapped for cash. And to know that I'm married to someone who doesn't share that view ...well, it's almost a bigger betrayal than having him sleep with someone else. I could compartmentalize that. But there are so many issues and beliefs rolled up into this. It has tentacles all over the place."

Ultimately, the couple hightailed it into therapy, and as of press time they were trying to work through their problems. But it hasn't been easy; a major line of trust was broken, and Schiller is wary.

"I tried hard to ask the questions I thought I needed to ask before we got married—about kids and money—and I felt I had good insight into who he was," she says. "I still don't know where his savings went. I've looked through his bank statements; I can't see hookers or drugs or gambling. Maybe he paid cash. I just don't know."

Both Kimball and Khalfani believe that compulsive spending has the potential to kill a relationship—unless the person in question is willing to change and you're both ready to work on the issues as a couple.

"Dishonesty is a deal breaker [4]," says Kimball. But, she adds, a little conversation can go a long way. "I've seen couples who confessed that the husband gambled away half their retirement savings. But they went to counseling and got through it," she says. "You can handle anything if you communicate."