Some people believe that as long as you don’t touch each other in real time then it doesn’t count
By Tammy Nelson — Written on Jul 19, 2011
Is internet sex on a webcam or through a chat room really sex? In this new millennium, more divorces are being blamed on social networking sites than ever before. Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and other sites that encourage social connection are now being blamed for causing real time affairs. Infidelity is now easier and more accessible online. And online affairs may often lead to real time affairs.
One couple recently came to my office saying his affair was creating the demise of their marriage. They hoped that counseling would help them save what they could. He was not cheating in person, though. He was watching other couples have sex on the internet.
She described their dilemma...
“He claims that sex on the internet isn’t really sex.”
I asked her what she thought.
“When he watches other people have sex, I felt like he is having a threesome without me. I feel betrayed.”
He disagreed.
“It’s not as if I know these people in real life,” he said.
She asked,
“Do you masturbate while you watch them?”
He answered,
“Look, I have been watching pornography since I was twelve years old. That’s just how I do it.”
For some couples porn may open up new doors and opportunities to expand their sexual horizons, however, many people who seek therapy complain about their partner’s internet porn use.
Whether it is cyber-infidelity or pornography assisted masturbation, the challenge for couples continues to be how to avoid breaking up over it. How do couples prevent problems related to porn and cyber sex and is it even possible?
If both partners can both find some empathy for one another, they may come to a new understanding of one another’s feelings. This can extend to understanding of a partners sexual fantasies and desires.
Because the experience can be scary, couples may avoid the conversation about fantasies. If your partner has a fantasy for something new and different it may feel threatening to the current status quo. Partners can also question each other’s sexual commitment and wonder why they want such different things. What seemed erotic and sexy in the beginning of the relationship now feels foreign and you may wonder where your partner came up with all of these new ideas.
Talk to your partner about what they find sexy about pornography and see if it makes sense to you.
I asked the couple in my office if they could find a way to talk about the internet porn in a way that made sense to both of them. They were able to discuss the actual visual element of the porn as if it were a dream.
“I told her I ‘dreamt’ that I saw a couple having sex outside and I thought it was sexy. She thought that was sexy too, and we talked about what it would be like for US to have sex outside. We both laughed about how we never wanted to have sex in the woods – too many bugs! But we could maybe think about sex at the beach. We both could be into that.”
Tammy Nelson, PhD is a sex and relationship expert and the author of Getting the Sex You Want and the upcoming The New Monogamy.
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