What Guys Really Think Of Hooking Up On The First Date
We asked men to get honest about how soon is too soon to have sex. Here's what they said ...
kevin laminto on Unsplash Times have changed, ladies, and with it, the best dating tips and advice. We're embarking on new kinds of relationships as a newer type of woman.
But even as all the traditional dating rules change, should the way we think about having sex on the date change, too?
How soon is too soon — or is it okay to have sex on first dates if you feel like that's what you want to do?
To get the guys' perspective, we asked the men in our lives to dish on when they think it's appropriate to do the deed for the first time, and their answers, well, they might surprise you.
So without further ado, here are responses from men we know personally when asked about what men honestly think about sleeping together — or more specifically, about having sex — on the first date:
1. Sex is a yes, but the type of woman you are matters, too
"I'm going to get so much sh*t for this," says Ben, 27, "but I've dated a lot of artists — and I've found that they're way more free-spirited when it comes to the sexual aspects of a relationship. As a guy, there's something about being with someone who's so carefree — and it's something you feel immediately, so yes, sex on the first night is okay ... with the right woman. I don't feel like having sex on the first night will challenge, or compromise, what happens afterward." He adds, "I'm not saying that it's only artists! Just speaking from personal experience."
"I think sex on the first night depends on whether or not you're going to regret it," says Mark, 25, "I'm really attracted to the type of girl at the bar that looks like she's a little aloof to the whole scene. I'm not trying to be a jerk, but I don't want to take home a good girl on the first night. I think it would ruin my chances with her."
"If I'm feeling you — and you're feeling me — we're both adults, right? So getting it on should be our decision; and well, if we both want it and are clear about our feelings, then I don't see the point in putting sex off until the second or third date," admits Josh, 33.
2. There's just "something" about a woman who makes you wait
The guys I spoke to who were okay with holding out for a few dates really surprised me. Their answers were candid, honest, and they proved that though the times, they are a-changin', there's definitely still something to be said about passion, patience, and keeping it in your pants until the clock strikes hot.
"The first time I went out with this girl I was really into, I had high hopes that she'd invite me back upstairs after dinner was over. When she didn't, I was pleasantly surprised, despite what I'd originally banked on. I realized that I wanted to wait for it, too — and the harder she was willing to make me work for it, the more attracted to her I was," Ethan, 29, says.
"It's refreshing to meet someone who doesn't want to give it up all at once. I don't think it means you're easy if you want to have sex on the first date or even after the first night, but I'm way more attracted to a woman who knows how rare it is to have something to look forward to. Everything we do is geared toward instant gratification. I don't mean that after having sex I think of girls in a way like, 'What else do you have to offer?' because I definitely don't. But it's really nice to have time to get to know someone and put some room in between deciding to ask them on a second date and deciding between missionary and doggy," says Tony, 31.
"When my girlfriend and I first met, we left the bar making out and I was sure we were going to end up at her apartment having sex. Then, she asked for my number and hailed a cab, leaving me in the dust. I was caught so off guard — I kinda thought that was the kind of thing you only saw in movies — but I couldn't stop thinking about her all night. The next day, when she texted me, I was that much more interested in her. It was unexpected but totally awesome to have to wait on someone else for once," Madison, 26, says.
3. You can't date the girl you take home that first night
"If you want to have sex the first night we meet, I'm down," says Travis, 23, "but just don't expect me to call you the next day — or any day after."
"I think a lot of guys would stray from saying this because it would make them sound soft or too sensitive, but we don't really want the girl who sleeps with us on the first night. Okay, fine, some of us really do, but the majority of us are just saying that we do. We don't. We want the waiting period, the getting-to-know-you period. We want to take you to overpriced dinners and then complain about it behind your back. We want you to keep denying us, because it's sexy, until you're ready. At least," Sam, 29, said, "I do."
"You know that expression 'You can't turn a hoe into a housewife'?," asks Quinn, 26. "I'm not saying that you should by any means call a woman a hoe, but I think that the point of the saying is pretty true. If I sleep with you on the first night, that's awesome, but I'm never really going to see you as much more than that. You'll be the girl that gave it up the first time we met."
So, ladies, I'm as surprised as you are, but the fellas have spoken.
It appears that waiting for sex may actually be the sexiest part of dating!
Kylie M. is a freelance writer and frequent contributor to YourTango.