10 Agendas Of Divorcing Couples [EXPERTS]


10 Agendas Of Divorcing Couples [EXPERTS]
Hidden Agenda

When a couple goes through a divorce process, many times there is the assumption by various divorce professionals involved with them that they are seeking a divorce. While on some level that may be true, it is frequently far from being their main goal. Quite often the true agenda is hidden, disguised, or not clearly stated. In my experience these agendas represent 80% of the divorce process, while the actual tasks are no more than 20% of work. Unless the professionals working with the couple or the couples themselves know what their primary motivations are, everyone is clueless as to what they are dealing with, and all the participants end up getting frustrated and lost; not to mention the extraordinary costs that the process demands.

Below is a list of the primary motivations that can control and dictate the divorce process. These can either be openly shared with all the people involved or predominantly kept hidden from everyone. Most people prefer to hide them since they are much more effective in the dark. If the goal is to protect your family and especially the children, it is essential that you be aware of these agendas. The bottom line is that either the following 10 agendas are taken into account and addressed before dealing with any divorce task or these agendas will run the show.


1. Avoid conflict because they can’t handle the tension.

2. Want to prove that they have the biggest hurt and want the other to pay for what they have done

3. Primarily interested in protecting themselves from their fears.

4. Only interested in moving on and getting away from the marriage.

5. Proving that they are the one who is right and competent.

6. Want to prove that they are independent and need no one.

7. Refuse to let go of the marriage and the breakup of the family, so they will use and delay any aspect of the divorce process.

8. Want the stimulation of the familiar emotional charge, since they are addicted to the negative energy.

9. Seek to validate some idealized image like “nice guy.”

10. Show everyone that no one will take advantage of them.

For any of you who are going through a divorce process or are contemplating one, you can save yourself a fortune, as well as an enormous amount of heartache, energy, and time by identifying the particular agenda that you are attached to and taking the steps to let go of this attachment.
These ego trips, which they are, are much too expensive for anyone’s life.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Doctor Bruce Derman


Bruce Derman, Ph.D.


The great thing about my books is they provide you with a core understanding of relationship based on my 43 years of being a psychotherapist. They teach you how to move through your impasses without spending countless hours in therapy with the wrong therapist.                         

Location: Woodland Hills, CA
Credentials: PhD
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