4 Tips For Avoiding Dangerous Men

Whenever a woman goes missing, public criticism of the woman begins. People say she should have know better, or that she should not have been in such a place alone, or left alone, or left with a man she didn't know. We criticize that she misjudged or trusted too soon, and act as if we would never have made such a bad mistake ourselves, and that may very well be true, because women who are targeted by dangerous men tend to have certain qualities that make them stand out in comparison to other women, and they are easier targets for dangerous and criminal-minded men. Divorce Usually Isn't A Surprise

When 23 year old soldier PFC Kelli Bordeaux, of Fayetteville NC, disappeared from a bar with a registered sex offender approximately two weeks ago, we felt a little dirty to think she trusted such a sleazy man, and many are quick to judge. Some have responded to her disappearance in a cold and uncaring manner.

We expect women to think wisely and to act on the idea that men need to be feared until you know them, but that is unrealistic. We have to stop blaming women for their demise when they are targeted and harmed by dangerous men. 5 First-Date Turn-Offs From Men

We can't forget that the creepy criminal was most likely ultra charming, flattering, and seeming like a nice, normal guy; the problem isn't that she trusted him, the problem is that she trusted herself to be able to spot a potentially dangerous man. Like most women, Bordeaux was probably never educated about the typical traits and responses that get victims noticed and targeted by dangerous men.

Instead, we set women up to look for red flags but this doesn't work and the red flags are more subtle than we are told. Looking for red flags forces women to focus on the man and gets her looking for more evidence, especially if she is highly empathic, because she won't want to judge him unfairly too early.

Instead, she will want to give him a chance. Red flags are not where women are going to gain their awareness about dangerous men, in fact, that strategy is outdated and dangerous, as it gets some women sucked in faster. Why Women Lose Money Power & How To Get It Back

The woman's reaction to a dangerous man's words and actions are what get her noticed. Bordeaux represents many women who have done the very thing she did — leave a place with a man they don't know. I see it all the time; they trust themselves to be able to spot a dangerous man when they aren't even looking in the right place for the warning signs.

If the guy doesn't reveal an obvious red flag, women think they are good to go, but dangerous men wear invisible masks so women can't rely on red flags, it's a mistake. Dangerous men don't always walk around looking like or acting like the sleazy, dangerous men they are, or else there would be no victims. They are pro manipulators who disguise themselves with charm and appeal. They are very smooth and often attractive and successful. They will set up conversation to see if they are in front of a woman who will comply, or who feels bad easily.

Blaming a woman for becoming a victim is cold and out of step with intelligence; the time has come for better education for young women so they will become more self-aware, self-focused, trait-conscious, and safe. Christie Brinkley Shines While Protecting Herself

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We aren't teaching women the truth, that learning about dangerous men isn't about noticing which guy in the bar could be a criminal, or which man is going to be abusive. Sometimes, that is just impossible. It's about noticing subtleties in ourselves when there is a distinction between one man and the next. It's about paying attention to our internal reactions, to the little voice in our heads without arguing with it or dismissing it, and it's about noticing if we are interpreting a man's actions and words to suit our own needs, his needs, a desire, or a fantasy.

Here are four ways to avoid dangerous men:

1. Don't reveal too much too soon. This is typical of women who get targeted by dangerous/toxic men. Over-telling usually means you feel connected to the guy, so you show him how fast you trust. It is easy to talk openly and personally when you meet someone you click with, but be very careful, he may be mirroring you and not really having things in common with you. If so, everything you reveal may be marking you as a good target, because this trait goes hand in hand with other traits of easy victims, and he knows it. Dog Training Techniques That Apply To Men

2. Don't be flattered by stare-dare men. When a guy stares you down from across a crowded room, he is not flattering you, he is not falling in love with you, he is challenging you. It is a sign of danger; the stare is a dare. Normal men don't act with such intensity or cockiness. I call this the "Hollywood Hello," and it is something many women hope happens because it seems so romantic — but it is dangerous and based on fantasy. Run.

3. Don't give too many chances. When someone is inappropriate or disrespectful in action or conversation, there are no second chances. Women who are targeted by destructive and dangerous men give many chances, too much empathy and understanding, and they forgive at the drop of a dime. Stop giving chances, it could save your life. Kim Kardashian Deserves A Break

4. Don't be too friendly too fast. Respectful men appreciate boundaries and support women being self-protective and mindful. When a woman intentionally slows things down, or makes it harder for a guy to get information and friendship from them easily, she will be able to spot the dangerous types because they take a woman's self protective measures personally.

They can't deal with a slow pace, and need women who trust fast, discount their intuition, open up easily, and who want to buffer the guy from the embarrassment of her rejection. Women who are traited to attract dangerous men tend to comply because they don't want the guy to feel embarrassed or bad about himself, and put themselves in harms way all the time. Right & Wrong Things To Tell Kids About Chris Brown

I don't know if Bordeaux left the bar with a registered sex offender because she didn't want to embarrass him or not, but the women who are more easily swayed are the ones who get targeted because they worry more about the other person's feelings being hurt than they do about protecting themselves. 

This is especially true if the guy was just being very friendly, not coming on to her in the bar, creating the appearance of being a non-threatening friend during the evening. If Bordeaux didn't give her any reason to suspect he was dangerous or on the make for her sexually, she may have felt obligated to be nice to him in return because he seemed harmless and kind; she was unsuspecting. When women are nice to the wrong man, it can be deadly. Let's hope she is found safe and sound very soon.