Why do we sometimes hold on so tightly to something that isn’t working for us? To someone that isn’t treating us the way we deserve to be treated? Isn’t loving us the way we were meant to be loved? You know the scenario – it starts off with fireworks, an amazing connection, you just can’t get enough of each other. Then suddenly, he’s not calling as much, he’s out with his buddies more than he’s out with you, or you just have some gut feeling that something has changed for him; he seems distant.
Any time a relationship I was in started taking this kind of turn for the worse – I started hanging on tighter. Yep. Break out the stranglehold. I would get scared, and instead of taking a step back and reassessing the relationship, I just held on tighter. I’d feel like I had to do something – anything - quickly to turn it around because he had so much potential; because WE had so much potential. After all, it had started off so well – it had to be worth saving, no matter what it took. So I’d decide to show him that much more just what I had to offer. I’d try sexier. Prettier. Funnier. More hip. Whatever he clearly wasn’t seeing, I was going to show him. You get the picture.
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It was, of course, the worst thing I could have done in this situation. This type of behavior is not healthy, not honoring of ourselves, our own worth. And unfortunately, this type of reaction is all too common. Because when he starts pulling away from us, it brings out every abandonment issue we’ve ever had, and leaves us desperately trying to turn things around by pulling out all the stops and becoming everything we think he wants us to be. Everything, that is, except ourselves.
So why do we continue to do this to ourselves? Why do we hang in there, remaining silent on what we’re observing, while we’re pretzeling ourselves around to be whatever we think we need to be to get him, and the relationship, back the way it was? And the worst part is, in reality, it only has the opposite effect – it brings the relationship crashing down even faster than before.