Does constant fighting mean that you two are headed for a split?
All you and your husband seem to do is fight. You fight over breakfast, over the phone, when you come home from work, and before you go to bed. Will it ever stop? Is this a sign that your marriage is crumbling?
In this video, Coach, Healer and YourTango Expert Louann Schwager Tung helps a reader who's been having this problem in her relationship. She and her husband can't stop bickering, and she's worried they're on the fast track to a split. What does Louann suggest?
Louann says she's on the right track just by recognizing that their fighting is damaging their connection. By changing some of their behavior and taking themselves out of a situation filled with anger, this reader and her husband may be able to break their fighting habit for good. Find out exactly what Louann suggests by watching the video above.
Hi this is Louann Tung with Ask an Expert answering your love and relationship questions. Today’s question is: Dear Louann, My husband and I seem to be fighting over and over again. Is this a sign my marriage is failing? Is there a way I can fix it?
Well the fact that you are even caring that you could fix it is a good sign, but the patterns of fighting over and over again have to be changed. What happens when you fight over and over again? Let’s go into the physiology of it. When you’re really upset and you’re frustrated and you’re angry your heart has chaotic rhythms, and this causes reduced blood-flow to the thinking brain. So this is really the worst time that you can be having an argument, when you’re upset. So it’s really important to change the pattern and if you feel the same old fight coming up over and over again, walk away from it. Walk around the block. Do something to break the pattern until you feel calm again and then have a discussion.
Patterns that we have in conversations with one another, especially with our partners, often come from patterns that we saw growing up with our parents. And so, first you have to recognize that there’s a pattern that’s just not working, and then you have to figure out what to do about it. So again this is about coming from the place of heart. And one thing that I’ve done that seems to work really well, and this is really kind of fun- when you find that after you’ve had such an argument, and you’re replaying that pattern over and over again, that angry pattern in your head, preparing for the next fight, stop yourself and actually do something silly. Like make silly sounds that don’t make any sense. Gibberish. You just go “blaguhblaguhblaguh”, like that. And what will happen is you’ll actually start to laugh and it actually dissipates all that anger energy so that you can view the situation in a different light. So I hope this helps. Thank you.
I’m available to personally work with you to hardwire new patterns for stress-free living. Connect with me at YourTango.com/