By Kate Evans — Written on Oct 24, 2018
When a friend is grieving the loss of a loved one, it's easy to feel helpless. Sometimes we think we're doing the right thing by trying to cheer them up, pointing out the positives or letting them know that they should try to move on.
Well-intentioned as we may be, those efforts tend to put pressure on them and leave them feeling invalidated. Instead, here's how to comfort someone and support your friend in times of need.
The person grieving may struggle for longer than expected. If this happens, regardless of how frustrating or frightening it may be for you, let them grieve for however long they need, knowing you won't judge them for it.
Most people suffering a loss will go through these stages, often in no particular order and sometimes repeating stages: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. Each one is healthy and necessary.
The more familiar you are with these stages, the better equipped you'll be in learning how to help a grieving friend and offer support.
One person's grief is never the same as another's. Variables include the cause and length of death, the personal resiliency of the grieving person, what their previous experiences have been, how large their support network is and their relationship to the person lost.
Be understanding of how this can change their experience of grief from your own or someone else you have known.
We are often inclined to praise the person who appears to be coping stoically with a loss. The problem is that we need to allow them to be human and vulnerable sometimes, too. After all, there's strength in letting out your emotions from time to time.
Funerals and memorial services work to give support and closure to the bereaved. We can also memorialize in other ways, like planting trees, writing letters or having remembrance gatherings.
It's normal to feel you can guess what your friend needs based on what you might need in their position. Because we're all different, it's best to ask them what it is that you can do for them.
If they say, "I don't know" or "nothing," resist the desire to walk away in your frustration or worry. Just offer your support in whatever way you can and let them know that you will be there when they think of something.
At the time of a funeral, many people offer help and support to the grieving person. As the weeks and months pass, everyone's lives move forward and they generally forget to follow up on their offerings of help and support.
Be the person who follows up. You don't have to give all of your energy, but your caring will be appreciated and will provide untold comfort.
There's only so much a friend or family member can offer to someone who is grieving without putting too much strain on themselves. Gently suggest seeking therapeutic help to give them a special place to cope with their loss.
Keep in mind that loss isn't just felt through death. It can be the loss of a job, a divorce, the loss of an ideal or expectation and so much more. Loss is a difficult thing to work through and your role as a supporter is both unique and vital.
Kate Evans specializes in women's support and providing individual, group and couples therapy for teens and adults. She also specializes in Sex Therapy, helping individuals and couples rediscover intimacy and overcome obstacles in this delicate area of life.
