Whether they are married or in long-term relationships, women clients often tell me how full of dread and frustration they are when it comes to sex with their partners. Resentment has accumulated over years, and the frustration comes from trying so hard for so long to have great sex to no avail. They want better sex ... amazing sex, but their minds are full of negativity. The dread comes from not wanting to have to face the disappointment again, so sex becomes less and less frequent. They just have sex for their partner's sake ... to keep the peace and make sure he is happy at least once a month. There is no joy in sex for these women.
Although every couple is different, here are three techniques I've found especially effective across the board for couples facing problems with sex:
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- First, if a husband who has agreed to take part in the sex life coaching process, that's huge. So many men can't banish the voice of the male ego screaming in their heads. Many say no to sexual growth and walk away. At worst, they choose infidelity as their answer. I bring this up because my woman clients have said how anger clouds their approach to learning and getting better with the men in their lives born by the resentments I mentioned. I remind them of how huge a deal it is for a man to turn his back on culture-enforced male ego. That he didn't refuse to do coaching, nor did he cheat on you. You may have a few issues, but he's a good man who thinks of more than just himself. It can be easy to take these things for granted sometimes. Becoming aware of this and honoring it is a great first step to healing and leaving behind old resentments. Similar things go for husbands with resentments toward their wives. 7 Suggestions For Saving Your Sinking Relationship
- Second, there's the dread ... the belief that things won't get any better infused with the expectation of failure. These are recurring thoughts that pop in out of nowhere like her own mind is picketing against this new direction she's taking. A big part of the answer lies in acknowledging that your present reality, right now, is different from the patterns of the past. It is a brand new reality. Sometimes you have to think to yourself and tell your mind to stand down as if it is a being of its own free will. Many times in life, it is, in effect, precisely that. Say to the part of your mind that pickets you that if the old way was still in place, then its protests would be valid. As of this moment, it turns to a wait and see. Wait and watch for change. You have to give it a chance and consciously acknowledge the difference in your new reality from the old one. Once you've done this, keep your focus on this because the mind has a nasty drawback of keeping up the picketing for a while despite your decision. When she's having better sex, the mind will often drop its proverbial picket signs unless there are other issues at hand.
- Third, and the most fun of them all, I tell clients to set an intention to enjoy the new things I teach the two of them — the new pleasures your husband/partner is creating and attention he's giving to your body. Lay down and enjoy them the same way you enjoy a massage or a quality chocolate bar or ice cream. Savor his touch the very same way. You can try a trick to make it easier to get into that mode.