David Schnarch, PhD, founder of Crucible Therapy and author of Passionate Marriage, wrote about the two choice dilemma. I have to confess that when I read about it, I thought it was redundant. Of course a dilemma involves choosing between two things. Schnarch coined the phrase over a decade ago. He used the phrase to define what happens when you want two things to happen, but only one can actually happen.
are wired to talk about it. For men, acting on a strong emotion often has consequences. The potential for violence is always present, so they have a shut off valve to prevent them from experiencing emotions as deeply as women feel them. This shut off valve prevents things like domestic violence and breaking household items. It also makes women think that men have the emotional range of a teaspoon, but I think if women understood how men process emotions, they'd be more sympathetic.
Divorce is rampant in America; 50% of first marriages end in divorce, and over 70% of subsequent marriages fail as well. Even with those staggering statistics, some people stay in marriages that should have ended years, if not decades, ago. At the same time, many of the divorces that do happen could be prevented. I don’t judge people who’ve gotten divorced; I believe that everything happens in divine order.
The other day my husband and I were talking about cheating. His first serious girlfriend cheated on him repeatedly, so he takes a hard line approach. In his mind, if I cheated, our relationship would be over. It doesn’t matter if it was a one night stand, someone I never wanted to see again, or if it was someone I wanted a relationship with.
Our romantic relationships help us see all aspects of our personalities. All of our relationships do this, but romantic relationships do it in the most intense way. Romantic partners are mirrors, reflecting back parts of your personality that you may or many not want to look at. Romantic relationships offer the opportunity to heal wounded parts of yourself. Any conflict you have, especially if it’s a conflict that comes back repeatedly, is showing you where you have a wounded part of yourself that wants to be healed.
Everyone knows that divorce is rampant in America; what they don’t know is that many of those divorces could be avoided. Here are seven steps you can take to divorce proof your marriage. Talk more often, more openly and more honestly. Be courageous about this. It takes a willingness to be vulnerable with your partner to speak openly and honestly about your needs, but the rewards are great. You can’t expect to have your needs met by your partner if they don’t understand what you need.
Last week I wrote about the three layers of trust in relationships. Since then I’ve been noticing how and when I trust people and situations, as well as how and whether others trust me in our interactions. What I’ve noticed is that my own ability to trust runs deep, and that my deep trust is contagious. It’s not universally contagious, but it has the potential to be. This deep trust carries with it a strong sense of peace and well-being, as if all is right with the world, even when appearances seem to deny it.
I often say that if you don’t have trust in your relationship, you don’t have a relationship. The ironic thing about that statement is that trust is the biggest lesson we learn in romantic relationships. We learn to trust by experiencing its lack first, navigating our emotions and thoughts through the murky waters of mistrust. A more accurate statement might be that the pinnacle of a romantic relationship happens when we learn to deeply trust our partner and ourselves.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the basic philosophical difference between people who think in terms of “either/or” and those who think in terms of “both/and”. The latter is the (albeit in its most simplistic form) basis of Tantric philosophy. In a non-dual world view such as Tantra, either/or doesn’t usually make sense. Either/or supports a belief that one must choose between two things; as if the world were not infinitely abundant with enough room for “both”.