Last night marked the second telechat in our four-week, Girls' Night In teleseries (the first featured Lori Gottlieb, author of Marry Him, and set the tone for a month filled with fabulous, free love advice). Our guest of honor was Lisa Steadman, the author of If He's Not the One, Who Is? and It's a Breakup, Not a Breakdown and, after kicking back with glasses of wine, our phones glued to our ears, we settled in to learn about how to manifest Mr. Right.
A lot of people have been asking about what inspired my latest book If He’s Not The One, Who Is?: What Went Wrong – and What It Takes to Find Mr. Right. Here’s how it all started… I’m single. Again. I’m 32 and single again. There, I’d confessed my darkest sins. Wait. I’m 32 and single again and I feel like a total failure at love.
Last week, we clued you in to 10 dating deal breakers that really aren't—and could be keeping you from the One. Some of you agreed. An awful lot of you thought we were raving lunatic nut jobs. But bear with us. We're only looking out for your best interests—which is why we wanted to bring you 10 more dating deal breakers that, under most circumstances, shouldn't really be considered deal breakers. Because beneath that nervous tic or that crustache or that really ugly shirt is the man of your dreams. You just have to look past superficial details and find out who he really is.
I love Dean, but in the bright light of wedding planning I found myself picking him apart. I watched eHarmony.com commercials and wondered how I could know that we were meant to be together if we were never paired by experts based on the nine dimensions of compatibility. I spun myself up more than a dozen times weighing all the pros and cons (in an Excel spreadsheet, no less) and fretting over the unknowns. Read about how I overcame my fears.
The problem with a list, I realized, is that it’s hard to translate the bullet points into a real, live human being. The fact is, you can’t make a list that doesn’t either oversimplify or take things out of context. For instance, even if you make a list of qualities you want, they aren’t all weighted equally (is height as important as honesty?), and with many qualities you want, it’s not like people have them or they don’t. Often, they have some degree of that quality—like sense of humor or financial stability—which may not be exactly what you had in mind when you wrote it down. Lori Gottlieb tells us why dating Mr. Good Enough might be a better idea than dating Mr. Right.
The exact arithmetical chances of finding your perfect partner? 1 in 285,000. A math tutor at a U.K. university used the same formula that was used to determine how many civilizations might exist in our galaxy and applied it on a much smaller scale to his hometown of London. It turns out that on any given night there are probably 26 girls in the U.K. who might make a suitable partner for him.
Some people say they "just knew" that they were dating their future spouse. But what about the rest of us? What happens when you're not sure if he's The One? If you're considering long-term commitment or marriage, it's time to ask yourself some tough questions. Below, ten signs that may indicate he's not the one for you.
Is there really a Mr. Right? If so, how do you find him? Dr. Diana Kirschner gives some great advice and urges everyone to keep an open mind when seeking "the one." Give advice and read what others had to say here: Does Mr. Right Exist? Got a question? Ask it now at http://www.yourtango.com/questions
You are in a state. "Pangs of love," you say as you roll over on the couch, pantomiming stab motions to the heart. Your roommate looks bemused. It's the third or fourth date, and lately you've been struggling to hold off sending those late-night, inappropriate text messages. "Head. Heels. You. Me." (send--no wait, delete.) Instead, you're on your knees, head in hands, summoning the forces of the universe to carry your love cry out to the one you desire. Does he hear? Maybe. Will it be returned? The silence of everything you feel and everything that has not been communicated is deafening. Surely he feels it, too? Why do you not pick up the phone and call? Why did you cancel on Friday? Why are you still not Facebook friends? Why? Because Beth Wareham says so.
Buzzfeed posted a great list from Tiny Cartridge of "Boyfriend Criteria," including the usual "smart," "cute," "funny," and the more unusual like "did not pick Charmander as first Pokémon." There's also a list of pluses ("glasses," "good shoes," "good tattoo") and minuses ("annoying," "too tight pants," "think you're sooo smart"). Since I'm getting married in three days (!!!), the list got me thinking about my "husband criteria" and how well my fiancé fits my list. After the jump, see how he does.
We each attract a certain type of man, depending on how we carry ourselves. Don't expect to have a respectful man if you, for instance, curse like a sailor. Such behavior always reflects more negatively upon you than it does to those you're cursing. As for other important aspects of your life, if you don't have any goals, principles, power, or worth, then what makes you believe you can attract a man who has any of those qualities? You are what you attract, whether you like it or not. Contrary to what you may believe, we are not designed to follow the lead of men. They are made to follow us, at least when it comes to male and female relations.
Amy Borkowsky, who lists her age as "somewhere between Carrie and Samantha," is looking for Mr. Right, and what better way to reach a large pool of potential mates than during the XY's must-see televised event? She's been campaigning on her website SuperBowlSingleGirl hoping to raise approximately $3 million for the ad spot. Borkowsky has so far raised a mere thousand dollars and only a few open slots during the big game remain, but the innovative singleton is hopeful an advertiser might like her cause and feature her in an ad, if she's unable to buy one herself.
One man reveals where and how to find a good man, the man of your dreams. And guess what? It's not as hard as it sounds. Finding a good man boils down to defining "good" on your own terms, finding your passions and living a life that makes you feel happy. Join clubs and organizations around your hobbies and interests, live your life and don't worry too much about it. Guys are attracted to women who seem relaxed and happy. And keep an open mind. While you should know what a "good man" means to you, don’t get so set in your expectations that you miss the opportunities right in front of you.