You're walking down the street and you see a gorgeous man smile at you. His once-over gives you a little thrill and you imagine what a first date might be like with him. But wait! You're in a committed relationship with a man that you adore. There will be no first date for you.
Last week I wrote about the three layers of trust in relationships. Since then I’ve been noticing how and when I trust people and situations, as well as how and whether others trust me in our interactions. What I’ve noticed is that my own ability to trust runs deep, and that my deep trust is contagious. It’s not universally contagious, but it has the potential to be. This deep trust carries with it a strong sense of peace and well-being, as if all is right with the world, even when appearances seem to deny it.
Erica Jong, known best for her book “Fear of Flying” is waxing poetic in the Sunday New York Times about what has happened to the sex lives of the younger generation. According to Jong, younger women are yearning for the nostalgia of a 50’s era happily ever after notion of monogamy, marriage and motherhood. Jong says it’s a kind of rebellion and a desire for control.
With each new sex scandal splashed across headlines, it's become impossible to hide from the realities of marriage, i.e., monogamy is hard. And with so many high-profile persons seemingly shirking fidelity, it's easier for couples unsatisfied in their relationship to start wondering if these cheating politicians just may have the right idea. It's these concerns and questions that The New York Times Magazine took on when reaching out to leading sex-advice columnist, Dan Savage for their recent exploration of monogamy and marriage.
I often say that if you don’t have trust in your relationship, you don’t have a relationship. The ironic thing about that statement is that trust is the biggest lesson we learn in romantic relationships. We learn to trust by experiencing its lack first, navigating our emotions and thoughts through the murky waters of mistrust. A more accurate statement might be that the pinnacle of a romantic relationship happens when we learn to deeply trust our partner and ourselves.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the basic philosophical difference between people who think in terms of “either/or” and those who think in terms of “both/and”. The latter is the (albeit in its most simplistic form) basis of Tantric philosophy. In a non-dual world view such as Tantra, either/or doesn’t usually make sense. Either/or supports a belief that one must choose between two things; as if the world were not infinitely abundant with enough room for “both”.
Is it cheating if its online and in photos, texts and emails? By Tammy Nelson, PhD If your husband was sending texts of his penis to other women would you feel like he was cheating? Probably. Most women feel betrayed when their partner has any kind of sexual contact with other women. The internet is no different. By Tammy Nelson, PhD
We've all been talking about the marriage of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver. Arnold cheated on Maria with his housekeeper and perhaps other women as well. Why do people like Arnold cheat? He's rich, famous and has a beautiful wife and family. Isn't that supposed to be enough? Maybe it's not about Maria and Arnold. Maybe it's about marriage in general. Is there a natural expiration date for monogamy? Couples today marry for love. They marry someone they desire, and that they believe they will desire for the rest of their lives. But sometimes, love and desire don't really seem to be a strong enough glue to keep couples together and monogamous.
Unfaithful politicians and celebrities have been blowing up the news lately, thanks to the wandering eyes of a certain former action star—ahem, Schwarzenegger! But high status men and women aren't the only ones who cheat, and no matter where you are in the world, acts of infidelity are hard to ignore.
I'll start with a radical statement: we are delusional, each and every one of us. Culturally delusional, too. How so? Because we have this notion of a single, unitary self when that's not actually what we are. This has profound and subtle effects on how we are, and who we are, in our intimate relationships.
We'll say it: After you've been with your S.O. for a fair amount of time, the glow wears off just a bit. You no longer feel like jumping him wherever there's a flat surface and your sex life isn't always super-steamy. If you're not careful, the word "monogamy" will eventually become synonymous with "ho-hum." But, that doesn't have to happen! There are totally ways to keep the fire o' love burning for a very long while. The fine people at Men's Health and Women's Health have a few fabulous tips to make lust last in their Big Book of Sex. Here, we let you in on some of our favorites.
Despite what many women may believe, men work really hard at "relationship maintenance." Even on a subconscious level. "It seems the men were truly trying to ward off any temptation they felt toward the ovulating woman," Dr. Jon Maner told the New York Times. "They were trying to convince themselves that she was undesirable. I suspect some men really came to believe what they said. Others might still have felt the undercurrent of their forbidden desire, but I bet just voicing their lack of attraction helped them suppress it."
Going into Hall Pass, the latest Farrelly brothers comedy, I was prepared for gross-out humor, full-frontal nudity, and some new sexual slang. And I got it. But the same men responsible for Dumb and Dumber and There's Something About Mary also offer some interesting insight into long-term relationships. I'm not saying they've earned YourTango Expert status, but there's some food for thought in that soup of gags and groans.
Pinkee here~ Ok, now I am about to say something that is potentially very controversial (but you know I thrive on that kind of thing). God did not invent monogamy or, for that matter, marriage- humans did. I’m not telling you not to be monogamous. You surely can and may choose that if it is what feels good and right to you and your partner. I’m simply suggesting that you make the choice (and, well, all of your choices) from a place on consciousness rather than default.
Ah, young love. So sweet, so charming and... not quite so innocent. It seems plenty of youthful couples are dropping the ball in the monogamy department. If recent research is any indication, they may need to be schooled on the true meaning of an exclusive relationship. In an Oregon State University study of over 400 couples ages 18-25, 40 percent of the time only one partner had agreed to be in a "sexually exclusive" relationship. The other said no such deal was made.
Can you stay monogamous for the long haul? In 2011 we are wondering about this question, as divorce rates have not changed that dramatically for almost 30 years. Fifty percent of all married couples will trade in their spouse for a new model at least once and sometimes twice in their lifetime. And 35% to 50% of everyone will cheat at some point in their marriage. Why is it so difficult to stay married
Just as we saw the evolution of bigger beaks in Galápagos finches so they could break seeds for eating, we're seeing an evolution in how humans engage in relationships. Monogamy, unfortunately, isn’t natural for primates and mammals. When Natalie Portman's character in the upcoming movie, "No Strings Attached," said, "I think monogamy goes against basic biology," she was, unfortunately, correct.