There really is no shortage of men and no man is worth that kind of hurt and humiliation. In another lifetime ago, as many of my readers know, I was married to a man that never stopped dating. Let’s just say he had more then one affair. Many of them were one nighters or little flings. One was a full blown relationship on the side. When I found out about this relationship, we agreed to get counseling. I agreed to stay. He agreed to call it off. However, it didn’t take long before all signs pointed to the fact that he was still seeing her. We’ll call her Kelly.
You can't depend on anyone else to maintain your boundaries. That's an inside job. I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine, Kelsy, who was beside herself because her recent ex-boyfriend was not respecting her boundaries. She was laying them down very clearly, but he kept crossing the line. Sometimes he was stepping on the line, sometimes he was only one foot over the line. However, quite recently he was way over the line. It wasn’t like he was stalking her exactly. However he certainly wasn’t respecting her requests for space and privacy.
An interesting life is incredibly attractive whether you want to attract or keep a man. When I was fifteen I had a break up I thought would kill me. Sadness descended in our home with such fierceness that my father still calls it the “semester of the never ending dark night.” Finally one day my mother braved her way into my room, where I was listening to my Rick Springfield cassette tape for the 10,000th time, with a piece of inspiration I’ve carried with me all these years.
Lately, I’ve really started to pay attention to the little things, especially in movies and television and even books. I have been trying to zero in on the little throwaway lines that are used. These lines are usually spoken in an offhanded manor and quickly dismissed to go onto another part of the conversation. And one line keeps coming up over and over and it is starting to really irritate me.
When did lace ankle socks, white patent leather mary jane’s, a new pastel spring dress, kid gloves, and a new Easter bonnet that complementarily matched your grandma, mom, and sister fade out of style? When did waking up early before the birds as your family got ready for Easter sunrise service go out of style? Why do we wistfully look to kids to bring back the nostalgia of our own childhood, and what each new spring brings to a sleeping world: a chance to begin anew? When is the last time you wore an Easter bonnet?
Warning: The following statement may not make sense at first glance. The worst time to fight is when you’re mad. I know that might seem like a contradictory thought. However, when anger comes up it’s usually because there is an issue that needs addressing or a problem that needs solving. Anyone who’s ever had a fight, (which is pretty much anyone at all) knows the energy of anger itself is not conducive to problem solving.
They say that if you take care of your money, it will eventually take care of you. Sounds simple enough, doesn't it? It raises the question, though: How strong a caregiver are you? I like to think of it this way: In the giddy, blissful early days of a new relationship, the stars seems to align and everything in the relationship flows. We're in looove. We are constantly thinking about one another, calling all the time, checking in frequently, delighting in each other's tiniest quirks and relishing every moment spent together.
How often do you talk yourself out of taking action? How often do you say to yourself: "Yeah, I suppose I could start working on a new career, BUT.....," "I guess I could finally tackle the clutter in this apartment, BUT.....," "I know I could make more of an effort to be healthy, BUT....". What's up with that? Why so quick with the 'but'?
I know I shouldn’t watch, but I am watching the Charley Sheen thing play out. I admit it, I’m guilty. I can’t take my eyes off of it. It’s drama at it’s best because it’s real life and it’s happening to someone else. There are so many aspects to this story that catch my attention. However, for me, as a relationship coach, it’s the Goddesses. I am fascinated with the dynamics behind the scenes that are fueling this fire. These two very young women have a front row seat for the what appears to be a train wreck.
So much of our contact with other people these days is completely virtual. Text messaging, instant messaging, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, e-mail, and the list goes on. There are an infinite number of ways to communicate in the virtual world. Most of us are pretty good at it. However, face-to-face, girl meets boy flirting is getting to be a lost art. I recently had a client tell me she'd forgotten how to actually flirt, and I believe it. I think most people feel awkward flirting. That said, practice makes perfect.
I recently did short interviews with approximately 50 married men. I asked one simple question. "How did you know she was the one?" Two answers came to the top over and over again. 1. There was something about her that knocked my socks off from the very beginning, some undefinable quality that caught my attention. 2. I knew I'd have to work to get her.
I AM IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING OUT OF A REALLY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WHERE I PRACTICALLY WORSHIPPED THE MAN AND WAS BASICALLY AT HIS BECK AND CALL. HE WALKED AWAY FROM HIS 2ND WIFE AND 3 CHILDREN AND HE IS REFUSING TO MOVE ON AND WANTS ME TO WAIT UNTIL HE CAN OVERCOME HIS GRIEF ABOUT THIS. AND, HONESTLY I DON'T THINK HE IS EVER GOING TO MOVE ON AND I AM WASTING MY TIME BY WAITING FOR HIM. HE SAYS THAT HE LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY BUT HOW CAN HE WHEN POINT BLANK...HE IS ALL SCREWED IN HIS HEAD. AND, I THINK HE IS REALLY MY FIRST LOVE BUT I CANNOT SAVE HIM A
Best case most men are intimidated by Valentines Day. Worst case they resent it. A lot of men feel like Valentines Day is a lose, lose proposition. Expectations for romance are sky high and men as a species are not super comfortable with their ability to deliver. Some men feel high-jacked by a “Hallmark” holiday.
I work with a lot of clients going through major life change, often divorce. I was recently asked in an interview how long it takes to get over that kind of a break up. The traditional psycho-answer is one month for every one year of the relationship. However, I don’t think the standard formula works in a standard way in very many cases. Upon reflection, I realize there are typically two kinds of recovery, the fast recovery, and the recovery that drags on forever, or even worse never really takes hold at all.
I have heard it at least a dozen times this week. A woman explaining to me that she doesn’t feel like being intimate with her husband, meaning she’s not down for having sex, until she feels a stronger emotional connection with him. Maybe he’s distant and stressed. Maybe there’s been hurt that has left lingering resentment. Maybe communication is stalled and misunderstandings are plentiful. That said, for whatever reason, or no reason at all, she isn’t feeling “connected” and she isn’t putting out.
My mother is a consummate story teller. Put a kid in front of her and she transforms into some odd rendition of Dr. Seuss. Put her in a room of adults she only tones it down a little bit. She has a story in her head for every imaginable occasion and to illustrate any given point. Just about every time I call her she will start the conversation by saying, “ I’ve got a story/poem/article I’d like to tell/read you.” Based on this love of stories, my mother is the keeper of the history of our family.