“Passion is the quickest to develop and the quickest to fade. Intimacy develops more slowly, and commitment more gradually still.” — Robert Sternberg The question of whether intimacy and love-making should be spontaneous or planned is one that gets between many couples. The essence of the issue is that many believe that spontaneous combustion sex, the kind that drives the very early phases of biological pairing, is the real McCoy and that other types of planned intimacy are somehow less than.
According to the 22,000 people who took the Power of Attraction survey, men and women have pretty similar view on how to reignite attraction in a relationship. Both genders say talking about the relationship and going on a date are the top methods or rekindling the spark. But as we continued to analyze the results, we found that there were some significant differences in what guys and gals thought would turn up the heat. “I can’t imagine ever being like that with you,” John said. He meant it... for the first few months. The new couple went to concerts, museums and took long walks around the city. But less than a year into the relationship, a familiar pattern emerged. “Our relationship had become the dreaded ‘dinner and sex,’” says Amy. “Well, no. Dinner and watching a mind-numbing amount of TV and sex.” And fighting about how they “never did anything anymore.” So what happened? Was John growing boring, because he was already bored?
Research shows that less than about 40% of women can actually achieve orgasm during intercourse alone. This may give rise to sexual frustration and may have a negative impact on a relationship. If you are among women who fail to achieve orgasm during intercourse, you are definitely not alone. For those men who are able to make their female partners orgasm during sex, this does not mean you are not performing well or are at fault.
In our intimate relationships, it's easy to get emotionally triggered, and this often descends into unhappiness and arguments. It doesn't have to, though. Here's a quick and effective way to avoid getting into quarrels with your partner: the "do-over." Here's how it works: let's say your partner says or does something that triggers you. For instance, you say, "I'll do the dishes today," and he (or she) responds with "Good!" Not the answer you were hoping for, right? So what are your options?
A colleague, Wendy Strgar, has written a book -- really more a collection of short essays -- called Love That Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy. While it's a soulful, thoughtful and very worthwhile work, I'm not mentioning it here to plug it so much as to note the delightful double meaning of the subtitle: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy. As in, how to make intimacy last, and how to tolerate all that pain!
I'll start with a radical statement: we are delusional, each and every one of us. Culturally delusional, too. How so? Because we have this notion of a single, unitary self when that's not actually what we are. This has profound and subtle effects on how we are, and who we are, in our intimate relationships.
"Intimacy freak-out." You've seen it before. You've probably encountered it during your dating escapades. It happens when things seem to be going famously with that special guy you've been dating, and when things start getting just a little bit serious, BAM! He disappears, never to be heard from again, for no apparent reason. Or those men who will have sex with you, but they refuse to kiss you during foreplay and then they're immediately clothed and out the door faster than a speeding bullet after they've had their climax.
I like to think of myself as a strong woman, a tough cookie, if you will. Even when it comes to my marriage and my husband, I tend to play the role of Ms.Do-it-All-Handle-it-All-Without-Complaint. In this way, now that I am pregnant, it’s tough to suddenly admit that I just can’t do it. And by it, I mean a lot. This is where an unexpected benefit of childbirth classes comes in.
Beloved, you are the love of my life and I'm grateful for each day with you. Our relationship is the most important part of my life and I am committed to being together forever. Though we are surrounded by cynicism and challenges, I resolve to love you and be with you for the rest of my life. Through our relationship we will nurture each other and make the world a more loving and positive place for ourselves, our family, and everyone we share this planet with. Five Promises to My Beloved
She interrupted my talk to tell me that I should say the word differently to make its meaning clear. Instead of intimacy, I should say it into-me-see. She had a great point. The Dictionary defines intimacy as “a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.” In the social sciences we think of it as closeness, openness, vulnerability, and transparency. Pronouncing it into-me-see does a great job of giving the meaning in the way the word sounds.
It's exciting to move in together, but once you're under the same roof and spending every single night together, will your sex life land in the dumps? Will the proximity take the heat out of the relationship and breed boredom? Will illusions be shattered when you've seen each other in your least attractive moments?
Is your sex life steamy, or could you stand to turn it up? A lot of couples fall into the latter category. It's easy to get in a rut in the bedroom. If both partners don't communicate what they want, sex loses its luster and can become, well… boring. And no one wants that. Maybe you know your sexy time is in need of a serious pick-me-up, but are feeling a little tentative about opening that "Let's turn up the heat" discussion with your S.O. Well, no more! We've found just what you need to start chatting it up about "glazed donuts" and "money shots." Infuse a healthy dose of fun and games into your love life, all aimed at communication and discovery, with a great read from authors Christi Smith Scofield and Ted Scofield. Sexy Slang's Bedroom Challenges: 69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life will help you along, and put the playfulness back into your intimacy.
Thirty-two-year-old restaurant critic Marcus was starving for affection and physical contact. His partner twenty-nine-year-old copy writer Angelina had not been in the mood for physical intimacy since she had the baby. Patience is Running Out They had talked about it, and Marcus had agreed to be patient. Now his patience was running out. It had been almost seven months since they had made out with each other.
I tell my clients that you need to fight more! Research has shown that people who fight tend to be happier because you are talking to your partner about things that really matter to you. In this video, I tell you how to have a fight that will actually improve your intimacy.
I was listening to Alicia Keys, “A Woman’s Worth” and heard “a man always comes first”. Even though Alicia is one of my favorite artists, I disagree with that statement. It’s my belief and experience that a man makes sure that the woman is taken care of prior to coming. Of course it helps it the woman is thoroughly involved.