Listening to my 65-year-old, single mother talk about finding love, and sharing the first dance at her wedding, warms my heart and breaks it at the same time. It makes me realize that everyone, no matter what age, deeply longs for a fairytale romance. Every month, over a million people search Google for the words: How can I find a good man? Has John Mayer finally become a Gentleman?
FINDING THE ONE
Is there such a thing as a soulmate? Yes. Well, that’s good news. But here’s even better news. There is not just one lonely soul out there waiting to find you. There are thousands, maybe even hundreds of thousands that will fit the bill for what you believe may be your soulmate. Should Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth breakup or are they soulmates?
So, you've finally met a guy who is husband material, marriage-minded and wants to make a commitment to you. Wow. Now that you have this unpolished gemstone in your hand, you can either bring out the brilliance, or you can seriously waste the opportunity.
In the early years of my dating life, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, and I was absolutely sure I was going to get it: a charming, great looking, well-built guy that dressed well, made plenty of money and drove me around to nice places in a nice car.
Many times I talk to people who ask the questions: "Why can’t I find a good man/woman?" " Why do I keep making the same mistakes in my relationships?" When you are in between relationships, there is much introspective work to do. Without taking the time time to look at yourself, you are often in the position of repeating the same patterns over and over again.
While we are single in our twenties, most of us are still holding on to the dream of finding the perfect guy, having the perfect wedding, and creating the perfect family. By the time we reach our thirties, we recognize the reality: relationships are difficult, and they require work and compromise. Nothing about it will be perfect. Upon this realization, the set of single women seemingly splits into two groups: the ones who can make significant compromises in order to be married, and the ones who can not.
You may not have pumped into one another at the Shakespeare and Company bookstore in Paris while you read Simone de Beauvoir and he browsed through Jean-Paul Sarte, or sat beside each other on a train bound to Rome, or had a kismet moment one night at a London nightclub, but it all began with a click and wink on POF.com but the rest is still history.
Several of my dating coaching clients have contacted me this week feeling crummy about online dating. They are tired of the emailing and the men disappearing. They are bored with guys who don’t follow through or ask for a second date. As a dating coach for women in midlife, I totally understand how disheartening it can be. I myself went through this at 40 to find the man who became my adorable husband of 12 years now.
Before you can fall in love with someone else, you need to fall in love with yourself. Only then will you be capable of loving someone else. Your willingness to look deeply and honestly at yourself is the key to unlocking the door to your own heart. The depth of the conversation you have with yourself will determine how deeply you will come to know and love yourself. This is a journey of the self and by the self. No one can do it for you.
Love can happen in an instant or it's a slow burn. Like any deep connection, the evolution of love is organic and does not follow reason. Converting an online wink to a full fledged off-line love is the same.I don't believe that love is a matter of timing because true love knows no time. Love trumps timing, circumstance, and even your own will. Such is the force of its impact. Love arrives and takes firm form in a person's life in response to a soul call.
Our culture tends to have a fairytale vision of what marriage should really be. Couples often enter into a marriage having had more discussion about the type of cake they want for their wedding rather than a conversation about their commitment and values in their relationship and marriage. So how do you know if you've found the one?
Like many, I grew up with Jennifer Aniston as my "friend" on TV. Like all of us, she has had a run of relationships. Some were good, some were bad, some were almost Mr. Right, and some were just Mr. Right Now. So, what makes Justin Theroux "the one?"