When I was single, the reason I couldn’t find a good man was my habit of “wishful hoping.” I am long past that now, but as a coach I find “wishful hoping” is probably one of the key factors that make finding your true love take so long. “Wishful hoping” is very similar to being in a state of longing. You may understand it better if I share with you this definition of longing by Gay Hendricks:
FINDING MR. RIGHT
I made this mistake throughout most of my dating life, as did most of my friends – in fact I think nearly all of us have. You see, I looked at dating as serving one purpose, and one purpose only: To start a relationship with a guy that I thought could be Mr. Right. You're probably thinking right now "But that is the purpose of dating, right?" Well, yes and no.
Looking back, it seems so obvious to me. Of all the qualities I was looking for in a guy, of all my “must haves” on my quest for finding Mr. Right, I didn’t pay nearly enough attention to the three things that actually really mattered. 1. He's available, both physically and emotionally.
Record numbers of boomer couples are opting out of unsatisfactory marriages and starting over. The Wall Street Journal recently posted an article about the impact of the soaring divorce rate for those over fifty. Unlike those of previous generations who divorced later in life, newly single boomers expect to date, find love, and possibly remarry.
We’ve all read articles or heard about the supposedly great places to meet men – places like the gym, the supermarket, the dog park, and of course the age old meeting place, the bar. In my dating days, if I saw one of these lists with something on there I hadn’t tried yet I immediately made plans to try it the next chance I got.
With the start of 2012, it’s time for New Year’s resolutions and new beginnings. It might also be the perfect time to set some goals for your love life and learn how to identify the kind of man you want to date. I like to call him Mr. Boyfriend Material. Like you, Mr. Boyfriend Material dates with dignity and is interested in finding a partner who is confident, independent, and has the skills necessary to communicate in MANglish.
Do you want to find love this year? Have you ever wished you could “have it all?” This is your year! Follow these steps to finally find love in 2012: Step 1: Get completely clear about who you desire. “The List” or not “The List?” That is the question. The answer is … absolutely The List. Make a list of 100 qualities you desire in your mate. Then, make a list of the 100 amazing qualities about you. Are you afraid to ask for what you really desire?
This is the story of Mike, the fire fighter. And me. And our relationship. Now we all know there’s just something about a firefighter, right? The big strong hero, who lives to save people, and is coming to save us too. They’re special. And if they like us, then we’re really special. We’ve really been chosen. Or so we think. Or so I thought. After all, it was the beach. Where better for fate to bring him and me together. Sand, surf, sun and all of the endless romantic possibilities they represent.
The key to improving one's social love life, whether dating or in a relationship, is to treat it like any other important project. Determine your long-term social/dating goals. Break each goal down into specific, measurable, attainable, relevant objectives. Select activities that can accomplish your objectives.
That said, one strategy I highly recommend during the dating process for bringing in “the one” is a master list of positive qualities. This means every guy or gal you go out on a date with that isn’t the one, the goal is to figure out what all of their positive qualities are that you really appreciated. Basically you milk them for every positive quality that you can get from them and then if they aren’t the one and you move on, you move on happily, inspired by their best.
You are in a state. "Pangs of love," you say as you roll over on the couch, pantomiming stab motions to the heart. Your roommate looks bemused. It's the third or fourth date, and lately you've been struggling to hold off sending those late-night, inappropriate text messages. "Head. Heels. You. Me." (send--no wait, delete.) Instead, you're on your knees, head in hands, summoning the forces of the universe to carry your love cry out to the one you desire. Does he hear? Maybe. Will it be returned? The silence of everything you feel and everything that has not been communicated is deafening. Surely he feels it, too? Why do you not pick up the phone and call? Why did you cancel on Friday? Why are you still not Facebook friends? Why? Because Beth Wareham says so.
Buzzfeed posted a great list from Tiny Cartridge of "Boyfriend Criteria," including the usual "smart," "cute," "funny," and the more unusual like "did not pick Charmander as first Pokémon." There's also a list of pluses ("glasses," "good shoes," "good tattoo") and minuses ("annoying," "too tight pants," "think you're sooo smart"). Since I'm getting married in three days (!!!), the list got me thinking about my "husband criteria" and how well my fiancé fits my list. After the jump, see how he does.