The Conversational Kiss


The Conversational Kiss
The dynamics of a great kiss are multi-layered and complex

“A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That’s basic spelling that every woman ought to know.” -Jeanne Bourgeois



If ever there was a communication mechanism that predicted the destiny and longevity of a romantic interlude, it is the kiss. What we say with our kisses, as well as how they are received and understood is the basis for all the sexual conversations that they initiate. The dynamics of a great kiss are multi-layered and complex, as the moment our lips meet a cascade of neural messages and chemicals are released in the brain that transmit multiple messages of intimate connection, sexual potential and even euphoria. Indeed, when we kiss deeply, our hearts beat faster and our breathing becomes deep and irregular, mimicking the response of intense exercise.

Indeed, the human art form of kissing has developed over millennia and our ancestors believed that the kiss carried the power to unite their souls, as they presumed that the spirit was carried on the breath. This is not surprising as our urge to kiss is at the root of our biological imperative to procreate. Our human form of kissing is related to some of the most primitive animal behaviors that we share with all mammals, which allow us to smell our mates to determine genetic compatibility. This is why it is impossible to imagine kissing someone who smells offensive to you. The primal scent attraction that happens or doesn’t in a first kiss is actually a biological safety mechanism that deters us from poor genetic matches.

Still, even where compatibility exists, many go unaware of the subtleties, which can turn kissing into the passionate art form that it is. One secret that transforms every kiss is the power of intention that every kiss holds. Kisses that are insincere or are demanding intimacy that doesn’t exist are visible for what they are. Whether it is a first kiss or the five thousandth kiss good bye, your kiss reveals you. You cannot hide your ambivalence inside of a kiss. There is no forcing in a kiss; although most of us can remember the unwelcome thrust of an un-invited tongue shoving its way in. The use of unnecessary force or the urge to pull away speaks volumes.

Approaching the art of kissing with the same goals we bring to cultivating meaningful conversation, clarifies both technique and intent. In fact, if you think of kissing as a way of communicating in ways that words can’t come close, the subtlety of good kissing technique comes clear. There are three primary elements that turn on a kissing conversation: breath, lips and tongue. One of the first essential discoveries in the art of kissing is that it should not be rushed. Just as a real conversation opens with the capacity to listen, the patient kisser is curious and their kisses demonstrate their sensitivity and understanding. Rushing in and trying to take control of the kiss screams amateur and pushes people away more often than pulling them in.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
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