ProConnect

Are You In A "Pay As You Go" Relationship?

By

Are You In A "Pay As You Go" Relationship?
Warning signs you're giving too much.

Have you ever blamed yourself for giving too much in a relationship? If you have, you've probably felt resentment for not getting back what you feel is owed for all your effort. On top of that, if the man you gave so much to has moved on to someone else, it feels like that woman is now getting the benefits that should have gone to you.

Thinking about how you gave so much can keep you awake at night, beating yourself up for being so foolish.

But a better use of that time would be to ask yourself why you let yourself give so much and get so little in return? What drove you settle for crumbs when you were feeding him the whole cake?

The answer is simple. You were in a "pay as you go" relationship.

How does that happen? Most likely the relationship started out strong and it seemed like he really cared. But most relationships (unless you're with "The One") start to fizzle and burn out and that's when we women panic. We start to feel that it's up to us to get that "loving feeling" back.

We might suspect that this man isn't our Mr. Right, but the fear of being alone or starting over again drives us to try and make it work. We get the crazy idea that if we show him how much we love him and how good we can be, they'll naturally respond back to us in kind. But it doesn't work that way, in fact it's the opposite.

So how do we show them how we feel? We start "to pay" for love. For example: we'll do laundry, clean the house, shop and cook, buy presents and treats, give money, or generally go out of our way to tend to their needs. None of these actions are wrong, but it's the intention behind them that counts.

We put effort, time and money into getting a man's interest back but we're killing ourselves in the process. We pay and pay, and pay, and get little to nothing in return.

In a healthy relationship both partners have to give their all. They have to be 100 percent invested. If you're "paying as you go" you've tipped the scales and not in your favor.

So ask yourself if you're feeling resentful that you're "owed" something in your relationship. If you are, it's a good indication that the feelings between the two of you are no longer mutual. If you keep "paying" that feeling is just going to get stronger and things will get worse. It's a signal to stop giving and pull back.

If stopping causes him to step up and start giving back, the balance is restored. But if nothing changes, it means you're still in a "pay as you go" relationship. It's a sign that what you had is no more and it's probably time to walk away.

More relationship advice from YourTango:

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Virginia Clark

Relationship Coach

My book,  "It's Never Too Late To Marry: How to Have the Man and the Marriage of Your Dreams" is available for instant download. It will teach you the 6 essential steps you need to go from single to married to the right man for you!

Join my email community and recieve my free MP3 "Letting Love In."

Apply for your complimentary "Attract the Love of Your Life Breakthrough Session."

 

Location: Phoenix, AZ
Credentials: CHT
Other Articles/News by Virginia Clark:

How To Move On From Fear To Find The Love You Deserve

By

We all have fears. Some are obvious and easy to identify, but others can hide just below the surface of our awareness. Nothing will bring out our hidden fears faster than when we are in a relationship. When given the possibility of falling in love they can take over, and many times we don't recognize what's going on. When fears play out in our ... Read more

Stop Making Excuses And Start Finding Love

By

I've heard many excuses from women telling why they can't find a man to love. I understand where they're coming from; there was a time when I had plenty of excuses myself. But making excuses for why you can't find a partner is dangerous to your love life. It will not only keep love away from you, it will cause you a lot of unhappiness. Here ... Read more

My First Kiss: What Went Wrong

By

I'd like to share a section from my book, “It’s Never Too Late To Marry: How to Have the Man and The Marriage of Your Dreams.” Let it lead you to explore your first interactions with men; there may be a gold mine of information waiting for you to discover! My First Kiss Not all of your behaviors can be traced back to personal ... Read more

See More

Recent Expert Posts
Om Girl

Waiting with Intention

Whether you are waiting to adopt or for the relationship of your dreams, waiting can be HARD.

Cocktail Lady

Pick The Right Guy Why Hot Guys Don't Last

How to tell the difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Last Night. Find out when you're getting warm.

Gay Dating

7 Things I've Learned About Men As a Matchmaker

You'll be surprised to see which myths about men have been busted!

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Resources
How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>
HOT STUFF!
FROM OUR PARTNERS