Is Your Marriage Feeling Dead This Valentine's Day?


Is Your Marriage Feeling Dead This Valentine's Day?
Understanding your "dead spouse" is the key to bringing your relationship back to life again!

“Let’s have sex.” For the offended, “live person” in the marriage, you will feel an incredible need to connect in your way that usually works every single time by making love. This however is the last thing you would do with a dying person you are giving CPR to, right? Please don’t think having sex with a dead person will be helpful to them, the relationship and especially not you.

“Do you need to get your hormones checked?” or “Have you taken your medication lately?” A dead person will not respond to medical questions. Asking such questions only confirms that you do not get how very gone they are. “I just want things back like they were,” spoken in a very needy, whiny, tone of voice. This question will invoke a lot of anger in your “dead spouse.” This is precisely the problem! They will not go back to how things were. They want life not death and they will not in any way go back to the “old ways.” The old ways are what resulted in their death. Why would they choose to go back to this place?

Something that will begin the heart beat for your spouse again will be for you to “get it.” Just your simple understanding of how dead they are will be the starting place. When a loved one dies what is one thing we do? We begin quiet reflection about who that person was. We remember precious moments about their character, their heart. We think about special unique attributes of our lost one that we’ll miss. We ponder their value, we think of the questions we wished we would have asked them.

Examining all the positive things about your spouse and cultivating a desire to “really” know them will move your spouse from their self-imposed casket to the hospital ICU unit. It is in the ICU where you tend them and listen to hear their heart beating that you absolutely swear that “if only” you could have a few more hours, a few more days, just a couple of years, that you would love them in a whole new way.

Before the resurrection, there may be a lot of pain. Bringing a “dead spouse” back to life can be one of the most frustrating and scary undertakings (so to speak) a person might ever do. It is a matter of understanding how desperate your spouse is for you to really know them experientially. It will be both of your journeys to have “new eyes to see” each other and find new ways of connection, communicating and cultivating a life-filled
relationship. 6 Tips For A More Compassionate Relationship

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Trudy Johnson


Trudy M. Johnson, M.A., LMFT, CSPII

Helping women process grief after voluntary pregnancy termination without fear.

Bringing abortion after-care into the 21st century by educating professionals.

Location: Buena Vista, CO
Credentials: LMFT, MA, Non-Profit
Specialties: Abortion Issues
Other Articles/News by Trudy Johnson:

"I Had No Clue I'd Be This Sad," Part 2


Last week I talked with a 20-something woman about the grief she was feeling after her voluntary pregnancy termination. In her quest to find relief for her situation, she never dreamed she would be struck with an overwhelming sadness that she couldn't shake. Only a little less shocking than the news of the pregnancy (she was on birth control pills) was ... Read more

"I Had No Clue I'd Be This Sad"


The voice on the other end of the line was hesitant. I could tell this was a woman who wasn't sure she could trust her own instincts, much less trust me. I tried to re-assure her that I am a safe person to talk with about unexpected grief after voluntarily terminating a pregnancy. As we talked, I realized how many times I'd heard this ... Read more

Had An Abortion? 4 Tips For Surviving Mother’s Day


For women who once made the decision to terminate a pregnancy, Mother's Day can be an emotional and difficult day. Particularly, if you never told those closest to you about your abortion. In such cases, you may feel like you have no one to talk to about your sadness because you are afraid of condemnation. Despite the fact that an abortion can weigh ... Read more

See More

Latest Expert Videos
Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Most Popular