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You've found a chronically difficult chameleon.
By Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Last updated on Jan 26, 2024
Chronically difficult people are chameleons. I like to call them "Hijackals" because that's exactly what they do: manipulate everything around them and do it with charm and skill (at least at first.)
They will be just what you want them to be, and that’s the beginning of the path to feeling trapped. It’s like they can read your soul and give you the love, attention, and understanding you have longed for.
They scooped you up, engaged you fully, and stole your heart. Then, when secure that you were completely enthralled, they shed the "nice" and showed you true colors you could not believe you were seeing. You feel trapped.
That’s why it’s not your fault if you find yourself with someone like this.
Who are these creatures? They are people who hijack relationships for their purposes while relentlessly scavenging them for power, status, and control.
When those true colors start to show, you are so shocked that you are certain you must have misunderstood. You turn on yourself and question what you have done. Did I cause this? You dismiss the behavior as a one-time thing caused by stress. You do anything to put the picture back together and make it fit. Again, that leads you to be trapped in that mindset, avoiding facing what’s happening.
That’s where the trap begins to show up.
Yes, it is wise to ask yourself if something you did contributed to the conflict. That’s self-awareness. The problem is that you found your partner’s behavior so shocking that it did not fit the pattern you had made for them. You, then, tried to make it fit by taking on the issue or dismissing it as a momentary slip. The jaws of the trap began to close at that moment.
This type of person must win in every moment.
It’s a win for them when they make you second-guess yourself. It’s a win when you take the blame as they are so sure you will. It’s a win for a chronically difficult person when they can get you to question your sanity rather than theirs. Why? Because you were carefully chosen.
They have innate sensors for possible prey, people who:
- accept blame … readily.
- give them the benefit of the doubt … repeatedly.
- want to be in a relationship … badly.
- do not question their reasons, excuses, or manipulations … ever.
They troll for their prey; their radar is always on. Once they find them, they pounce gently at first. Then they get their claws into you, under your skin. You cannot believe they would do that, and soon you are trapped.
If this sounds or feels familiar, stop now and learn more. It will save your sanity and your self-confidence!
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Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor, has provided urgent and ongoing care for relationships in crisis for more than 30 years. She also hosts the Save Your Sanity Podcast.
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This article was originally published at For Relationship Help: The Relationship Help Blog. Reprinted with permission from the author.