I would remind Elin that Tiger's actions have nothing to do with HER,
his actions are about HIM. Easily said, right? But that's true for all of us, all of the time.
I am a fully-functioning, adult human being, and I bear ultimate
responsibility for my actions because I have something called Choice
and an ability called impulse control. Tiger chose to cheat and to hide
(I SO wish he hadn't), and actions have consequences. But they are his
choices, and his actions, and as a sane adult, he doesn't get to blame
them on her, and neither should she.
I don't know what went on in their home... How was their sex life? Has
parenting changed their desires? How long was he gone at a stretch? How
did they connect intimately over the distance? Was he happy in their
monogamous relationship when they got married, or did he agree because
it was expected of him? Did they ever discuss other options? We just
don't know, so I'd advise everyone who's not them to stop blaming and get a grip.
Oops, I slipped into the tirade again... back to the matter at hand.
on that note, while it's supportive to have a family that's always on
your side, I'd advise Elin not to buy into the story that she married a
monster who should be punished, no matter what her family and friends
say. Their's are not the voices of reason, and may not lead to her
let's assume that Tiger has now told the truth and that Elin has
allowed herself to hear it without taking it personally. He did what he
did, and didn't do what he didn't do. The same goes for her, and
there's no changing the past. It might take some time and a lot of work
to get there, but let's assume that they've stuck it out to this point.
question in my mind becomes, are they willing to consider building a
new relationship that honors them BOTH? Is the love they've shared
worth that consideration? It may or may not be. Being willing doesn't
mean that they promise to stay together, only that they're willing to
look newly, to ask and answer the hard questions, and then to choose
whether they are ultimately compatible as life partners. They may not
be, or they could create a relationships that far exceeds what they
ever dreamt was possible. Only they can make that determination.
every individual is different, and coaching always follows the client's
agenda, so it's unlikely that my conversations with them would directly
follow the path I've laid out above. Nonetheless, as a specialist in
non-traditional relationships, here are some of the questions I'd love
to pose to them separately...