Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

Show Me Heaven

Girl in Field

The woman who thought she loved him doesn't exist any longer.

I believed that he was on the same page as me.  It felt so great when we were together.  He told me he wanted to be with me and I believed him.  I loved his embrace and how he touched me.  We talked about everything and laughed about nothing.  Our time together explored and opened places in me I didn’t know.  When our evening ended or our weekend was over he vanished.  There wasn’t connection and I was left alone.  I made excuses for him in my mind and to my friends.  I knew how busy he was in his life.  He wouldn’t call and days would disappear.  I would call or text him and he would be polite.  I felt him gone.  He was not available, I continued to hope.   

He would finally make a plan and he would approach my world once again with a delicious comfort that would whisk me away into a present state of bliss.  I was fooled or should I say I was the fool…again I was left in a puddle of sadness wanting more.

Our time together was always amazing when the stars aligned and he chose me.  I started to see a future with him.  I dreamed of a life with this man and I started to feel safe enough to tell him I wanted more.  He would explain to me nicely that this was all he could give me right now…and I said to “myself I will be patient.”  I was hopeful that he would change his mind.

This pattern of acceptance and then of asking for more and then waiting became our dance that moved into weeks of discomfort and months of emotional stretching.  I wanted to have a voice and ask for my needs to be met, but I also wanted to be understanding that he too was being stretched into a relationship.  Like a new pair of shoes he was uncomfortable and I held the space for him someday to grow into it.  I would say to myself “he doesn’t know how to meet my needs.”  In hindsight we were in totally different places.

Suddenly it was over!!!  He couldn’t give me more and I couldn’t settle for less.

So why was this so hard to accept?  My whole being went into shock.  This romantic relationship illusion was shattered and I was devastated.  I couldn’t face the pain that was tormenting me.  My Self Worth was ripping away and my fear was paralyzing every cell of my body.  Tears released every minute I had with this man… The man I thought I loved.

I cried and cried until I sank into a puddle of self-pity.  I was grieving the loss of the dream with him.  Buckets of tears washed me clean.  I released the pain of rejection, disappointment, judgment, anger, hurt and a lifetime of old emotional pain that was lodged deep within me.  


My heart has been broken open to feel this incredible gift of getting to know who I really am.  I’m not the woman who thought she loved him, she doesn't exist any longer.  I’m not the woman who is alone.  I’m not the woman who believes she is not worthy of love.  I’m not the woman who is abandoned because I can connect to Source…to Myself.
I remembered that the Source of Love is available to all of us inside our own heart and forgiveness sets us free to connect.

I AM not weak, but strong.
I AM not helpless, but all powerful.
I AM not limited, but unlimited.
I AM not doubtful, but certain.
I AM not an illusion, but a reality. (From The Course In Miracles)

I know now that Heaven is in me as I feel the happiness, joy and kindness of love that wants to be.  If I show you heaven you cannot join me there unless you know it in you.  Living Heaven on earth in this lifetime is an authentic place within that loves unconditionally.

I am grateful to practice each day living and loving heavenly.  I am responsible for my heart and I will take care of it.  I will not give it to anyone, yet I will share it with everyone.  I am safe here within.  My love is much more than I knew.  I have expanded into my relationship with myself again.  I am here and If you are ready I can show you Heaven.

Colleen Hoffman Smith is an author, facilitator, emotional intuitive and developer of The Inner Workout™ Program. Click here to visit her website or here to email Colleen.

Explore YourTango