Act: Okay, I added a fourth one... but this is crucial. Pick at least three things off that intolerable "tolerate" list that you are going to tackle in a certain amount of time, like a week. Don't put it off too long, or you won't do it. Start with the easy stuff. Clean out your underwear drawer. Create order out of chaos. Take on an assistant. Hire a house cleaner to get into the places you don't want to get into. Or just invest in garbage bags and dig in.
Next, tackle those conversations you want to have. Plan them. Start from a place of "I feel" or "I'd prefer" instead of from a position of attack. You will avoid a defensive response if you come from a place of your own power and without anger.
More from YourTango: The Blind Spot
Remember that first scenario above, where you listed all your grievances? Here is another scenario that will be more productive:
Scenario #2 Hmm. It seems I'm allowing my boundaries to be crossed. Where is that happening?
Problem: Well, when my husband requests my attention, I give it to him, but when I ask for the same, he tells me he's too busy. How can I solve this problem?
Solution: "I think I'll find a time when neither of us is stressed and it feels like a good time to share my feelings." And then you can plan the conversation in your head. "I will ask him how he feels about this, so I can get his take on it. There's a very good chance he's not even aware of how I am feeling, so I will start from that place." (As opposed to the assumption that he is selfish and doesn't respect you.) "I deserve to be heard, and our relationship deserves the respect of knowing where I am." (In other words, stand in your power.)
Problem: I feel like my kids take advantage of me.
More from YourTango: Do You Have the Disease to Please?
Solution: "I'm going to call a family meeting. We are going to talk about responsibility in the community of our family. I am going to state my requests honestly, clearly and without emotion. I will listen to what everyone has to say, as well. We will create a 'task list' and rotate obligations. I will state calmly what I will and won't tolerate. I will also talk about responsibility and consequences for not following through. I deserve and honor my boundaries."
Remember, staying calm and being honest and objective are key.
You can do this!