For years, little pieces of me got lost in the cracks, in between the details of everyday life. I had this feeling of uncertainty, of something being off. I just knew there was more for me. I searched everywhere for myself. And then I released something, and that's when it happened.
I tried over-educating myself (to prove I was smart.) I tried being a small healthy-foods caterer (to prove I could take care of and nurture people). I tried creating a childbirth services business called Birth Renaissance, teaching childbirth classes, attending births as a doula, etc. (which was closer to my unique abilities, but not quite right yet). I learned hypnosis (pretty cool, but still bypassed what I considered consciousness too much). Next came four years of graduate school in Chinese medicine (closer still and I still love it, but the passion trickled out after 12 years when I realized there was a piece missing for me).
Then, I discovered coaching and mentoring women. Ahhh, it fit like a glove.
When I coach, it is effortless. I end my sessions feeling better than when I started. Not because I'm doing something for myself, but because I'm in my unique abilities and out of my own way. It feels like I am "in the vortex" of what I am supposed to be doing. It just feels so damned right. My intuition runs the show and gives my busy brain a rest. Aaahhh! Resonating with all that is my authentic self.
Don't get me wrong. All of those other careers fed me in some way, and I loved parts of them. I learned so much from each of them, and they still inform my coaching to a large extent. Some of them were to alleviate my insecurities and made me feel better about myself. In others, I was grasping at straws to prove my worth. Others resonated with me and my abilities in a more deeply connected way. I prayed, meditated, yogaed my way through to finding myself.
I "efforted" a lot.
And then I learned the art of surrender.
It was one particular day, when things were pretty bad, when I simply got on my hands and knees (on the advice of a shaman I was training with - oh, did I mention my two-year training with a shaman?) and asked mother earth to take away whatever was hurting and blocking me... and I cried like a baby. I gave it up. I will never forget that moment, because the beauty in that surrender cracked me open in a way nothing ever has.
What I realized is that one's biggest struggle is one's best teacher. Your pain creates your gifts. Or at least it opens you to them, because they are already there. I am grateful for the struggles and pain ~ they brought me the gifts I use to help other women discover their gifts and beauty.
And so, I learned. And now I give back.
I mean, how cool is it that now I help women fall in love with their lives again?
To be a conduit for another's transformation is the most joyful experience. When I lead a class, I am truly in awe of the women I work with: they are honest, vulnerable, authentic, open, and eager to grow. They take risks. They move forward in their lives.
I know that I have what I call sacred contracts with the people I work with, and they will work with me when they're ready. I know that's not everyone, and that's okay. I feel truly blessed to be able to do what I do, and I don't take it for granted, ever.