It's not HOW you flirt ... it's WHO you flirt with.
We agreed that there are tons of tips available about the "how" of flirting — make eye contact for 2 seconds, dress for the occasion, use a brief touch on the arm, etc. — but there's very little advice on WHO to flirt with.
With a multitude of single people out, flirting with everyone is a big waste of time and energy.
So, I give my clients one key rule when picking who to focus flirtatious attention on and it's this — flirt with someone of similar attractiveness.
Why? Because research tells us that most successful relationships are between partners of more or less equal good looks. There is some leeway, of course, and other qualities are also important, but statistically, relationships where one partner is much more attractive than the other tend to be less successful. This will also give you the best chance at compatibility, which is a requirement for a new relationship to last long term.
So. here are 3 key things to remember when looking for people of similar attractiveness to flirt with:
1. Attractiveness is not just about good looks or someone’s physical features
Attractiveness is also about one’s attitude and energy, influenced by personality and experiences. Some attitudes are positive and productive, others are negative and unproductive.
Here are a few examples of positive attitudes that can support you in looking for people of similar attractiveness to flirt with:
- "I focus on connecting. A partner is someone to love, not an object or a goal."
- "I take responsibility for my outcomes by taking initiative in my life and relationships."
- "I strive to take the necessary risks, overcome my fears, and stretch my comfort level to reach my goals."
2. Avoid "the attraction trap"
You interpret a strong physical attraction to someone as a sure sign that the relationship is a good choice and "meant to be." This happens when our intention to flirt turns into instant infatuation and your choices become unconscious and result in repeating unproductive past patterns.
Your attraction to someone is like a radar system that helps you find your target, but the attraction trap occurs when you mindlessly, blindly follow this radar. You are then no longer flirting for fun, you've slipped into the zone of infatuation.
There is nothing wrong with infatuation, however, in the process of finding new love, it can cause you to lose yourself or compromise your goals and values. Thus sabotaging any chance of that flirtatious connection turning into a long-term relationship.
3. Don't fall into the mindset that there's only a limited supply of equally attractive partners
If you adopt the "I need to take what I can get" mindset, you're tempted to settle for less right away because you believe you can’t get what you really want. Flirting is fun and fundamental to dating, it is not a numbers game. When you expect less, you get less.
Trust that if you apply yourself, you can get what you really want in your love life. Happiness is absolutely available to you, but must go after what you really want in life and choose to flirt with people of similar attractiveness as you.
What might go wrong while people practice this advice? Well, you won’t get it right every time and you'll most likely end up attracting some duds who you initially thought had greater potential. But don’t worry, this is part of the dating process.
Use your feelings of attraction as information. The chemistry must exist, you can't just get together with someone you're not attracted to. But, please remember that flirting based solely on physical attraction often results in repeating unproductive past patterns and failed relationships.
I invite you to stop and ask yourself, "Why am I attracted to this person?"
Continue to put yourself out there with the intention to find new love through flirting with someone of similar attractiveness. Doing so actually increases your chances of finding compatibility.
Teena Evert is a licensed marriage and family therapist and love relationship coach helping proactive, savvy women design the life they want and find the love they deserve. Make sure to sign up for Teena’s FREE Dating Mastery 101 5-day ecourse.